Shots, Shots, Shots...and I don't mean Jello

Lately my whole life has revolved around shots. I have pretty much had enough of feeling ill all of the time so I have decided to be angry about having diabetes but to just do what I have to do. I saw my doctor the other day and basically we are trying to get my diabetic regimen down since we have been off for so long. We lost our health insurance with Anthony's job so now we are paying out of pocket. For a bit, it was $600/month for all of the meds and supplies that I require. Now, we have it brought down to about $300/month or so. This was with the help of the doctor changing things, the pharmacy giving me discounts, and just working with what I have.

All of that is the logistics of this but there is still the emotional component. I have NEVER been ok with having this illness. Being diagnosed at 16 was a hard thing for me and I just sat in denial for the longest time and then when I really realized that I did indeed have it, I decided I was too pissed to actually do anything about it. Just recently I have come to the conclusion that I am almost 30 years old and being a big baby and it doesn't matter if I want to take care of it, if I believe that I have it, or whatever...I will die if I am not medicated. Guess this growing up stuff is hard.

Appreciating friends who get you.

Last night I got to spend about 3 hours with one of my best friends in the world. This is priceless whenever it gets to happen but for some reason it was especially priceless to me this time. It seems like for a long time I haven't really found friends who actually get me. I mean, they care about me, love me, laugh at my jokes, and spend time with me but they don't "Get" me. Josh gets me. He not only laughs at my jokes but appreciates my sense of humor for what it is, being able to get through life's difficulties with a minimum of scars.

He, in my opinion, is one of the few people in my life that truly experiences me the way that I know myself. Some people will tell me that I am "laid back" and I think "ya right..you don't know me!" Some people will tell me I am "Proverbs 31...an excellent wife" and I scoff at that too because they don't see my house most days nor know that I fail at most of my "wifely duties" pretty much on the hour. Some people say I am "genuine" when I know that I care so much about what others think. Josh just kinda gets all of that about me and totally accepts me either way.

It is truly a treasure to have that kind of friendship and I just wanted to write about it to remind myself of how blessed I really am to have him, Anthony of course, and Nick...the men in my life who absolutely just GET Erica! :)

Meeting him all over again

Today we went out to get Anthony some interview clothes. He had been working for AT&T for 3 years so his wardrobe included carpenter jeans, blue/Orange/White polo shirts, work boots and a baseball cap usually. I saw him like this about 6/7 days of the week. Today was a breath of fresh air. We went to this suit store and picked out some nice shirts, ties, and shoes and the other day we bought some new dress pants. He had an interview today and I gotta tell you, I was attracted all over again like it was new. I have always loved Anthony and always will but there is something for feeling that attraction come back more like the first couple of weeks of dating.

He is a handsome man and I am so lucky to have him. Pictures to follow! :)

one potato, two potato

**Disclaimer: As all of you probably know, there is not a racist bone in my body, however, if taken in an offensive manner this post could seem like a racist rant. It is NOT a racist rant but rather a rant about things that are not logical. I hope that you find comic relief in it and do not feel the least bit offended as it really is not about race whatsoever***

So I have a gripe to make. I am going to tell you a story about what happened to me and Anthony the other day when visiting a popular fast food restaurant in hopes of getting a quick lunch before heading to work. Here goes.

We walk into the restaurant which we will name "Cindy's" for the purposes of this blog. I really wanted to go there because they serve baked potatoes and that is my favorite way to eat a potato. I fully intended to purchase a value meal and trade out the fries for a baked potato and get it the way I wanted. I figure, I pay extra for all of these choices so it won't be hard to order this. Here is the run down of what happened.

Cashier (Spanish Speaking): Can I help you?

Erica looks at Anthony: Are you ready to order?

Anthony: Yeah, go ahead

Erica: Ok, I will have a #3 with a baked potato. I would like to have butter, sour cream, bacon, and cheese on that potato and could you please give me extra of all of that. (Extra toppings) I'll have a sprite with my meal as well.

Anthony: I will have a crispy chicken sandwich, fries, and a sprite also.

Cashier: Ok, $15.76

Erica gets into purse thinking of how crazy prices are when you order something special.

(Wait for order)

Cashier: Here (places two bags on the counter.

Anthony peers into first bag and Erica grabs second bag to check the order. (She has a feeling)

Erica: There are two baked potatoes in here?!

Cashier: Yes

Erica: There should only be one...and there seems to be only chives on one of them and only bacon and cheese on the other.

Cashier: Yes

Erica: No, I ordered one baked potato with butter, sour cream, bacon and cheese with extra toppings.

Cashier: Is in bag.

Erica looks in bag again to see two containers of butter and two of sour cream.

Erica: Ok, yes I see the butter and sour cream but there is no extra cheese and bacon and there are two potatoes and not one.

Cashier: Yes

Erica: There should only be one.

Cashier: Other one, in bag

Erica: I know but there should only be one and extra bacon and cheese.

Cashier: Yes

Erica is starting to get visibly irritated.

Erica: Here (takes baked potato out that only has chives on it) I do not need this one. Did you charge me for two.

Cashier: Yes.

Erica: Ok, well I only wanted ONE so I need my money back for this one.

Cashier: Yes

Erica: Thanks

Cashier returns potato and gives Erica back money that he owes her.

Erica: Ok, now I need extra bacon and cheese

Cashier: Yes (does not move)

Erica: OH FORGET IT (leaves restaurant feeling homicidal)

OK, now here is the thing. I don't mind people living in this country through means of immigration. I don't care who takes my order at "Cindy's." I don't care if people speak Spanish in their homes with their families but for goodness sakes...if you work for "Cindy's" know how to say the English words that are on YOUR MENU. I am so tired of having to be bilingual to order a burger. This is so illogical and quite tiring also. I appreciate all cultures but ordering burger and fries should not require me knowing Spanish when I live in America and our #1 language is English!

SIGH....anyone feel me out there?!!!

Lent update

Well I am officially half way through lent and it has gone great. There have been numerous opportunities to be tested and see what God would do through this time. For example, Anthony and I went out to dinner to celebrate an accomplishment of mine and sure enough, the waitress felt it was necessary to bring me a free hot fudge sundae to celebrate. I lovingly gave it to the hubby and remembered what Jesus did on the cross for me.

We went out of town for a few days the other day and went to a location that sells chocolate, chocolate, chocolate...so I bought some and popped it into the fridge and promised myself not to touch it until April 1st when lent is over. So far, so good. Also, our girl scout cookies arrived and the only ones I eat are thin mints so there they sit...in our freezer waiting on me.

God has really been changing my heart on a lot of matters and helping me with one specific area that has been difficult....my control issues. Thank you Jesus for helping me on this journey with no chocolate.

Lent

Hey everyone, I hope this beautiful Thursday finds you doing well. Anthony and I decided this year to observe Lent. We are not catholic and usually this is practiced by those who practice catholicism but since we are both really big Jesus followers we wanted to do this in rememberance of the 40 days before the crucifixition and give up something that was a sacrifice and use the time we would have eaten or done an activity to focus on our relationship with Jesus and having HIM search our hearts for things we could fix in our walks. It has already been powerful in just 24 hours.

Anthony decided to give up sleep. He is starting to get up at 5:30 am to spend his first hour of his day with Jesus in prayer or bible study. He said that his morning was powerful and God really showed him things that he could work on. I have a habit of eating at least one piece of dark chocolate a day and I love chocolate so much. I rarely go a day without having a piece of chocolate, chocolate cookies, chocolate flavor or something relating to chocolate. I count it as a piece of my mental health. Well, I guess you have concluded that I indeed gave up chocolate for 40 days! I am so excited to see how God uses this time for us to make us better. I am always looking to be a better Christ Follower.

I will keep the blog updated on our journey through Lent and what God does with it! Should be moving and enlightening!

Winter...even now in death...

Today is not just president's day in the Lewis house. It would have been Jamie's Due date. February 15th is a bittersweet day for Anthony and myself. It is bitter for obvious reasons but sweet because no matter what, we were parents. We valued every second of the weeks that Jamie was able to be alive. We realize that without me, he never was able to be alive but we are able to accept that now and know that although it was hard, we know that God still loves us and has our best interest at heart. Anthony and I are starting a tradition on this day of having a special dinner in honor of our little one. As I laid in bed, this song came to mind. I pray that I can continue to feel this way through my grief process and the movement to one day try again. Thank you all so much for your support through this and I would appreciate your prayers for continued healing over our hearts.

Just to make you aware

I know a lot of you are readers like myself so I thought I would use the blog to let you know that Paper Back Swap
is opening up a Market where you can buy books at a very reduced price. Also, I use Paper Back Swap on a regular basis to get rid of books that I have already read in exchange for points where I can get books I would like to read. They are allowing members to use not only cash to buy books at a very reduced price but also use a combonination of your points and cash to get books even cheaper. I love books on the cheap so I completely recommend you head on over and become a member of Paper Back Swap. It's free for membership and as you add books to your page, you get points to spend. If you have any questions, let me know. I would be glad to help you navigate their program. It has been a great asset to me.

And the Winners are....

Hey everyone, sorry it has been a few days and I haven't posted the winners of the giveaway yet. We have had the flu bug in our house and dealing with a few family issues so this is my first chance to announce my three winners of the 500th post giveaway...and the winners are....

Princessica, Terra, and Courtney

I am so glad that you are enjoying the blog and look foward to more giveaways on the blog. Here is what I need from the winners, please email me personally at mrsericalewis@hotmail.com and give me your mailing address. Thanks everyone for entering and keep posted for more coming up on Ericaland!

Down but not Out

Many of you who follow my blog have heard that today my husband lost his job. There has been a lot going on with his job lately and it seems like every day there is something else going on there that causes problems. Thirteen out of the sixteen techs that work at his yard are being disciplined regarding their new "standards" so there is clearly something wrong. Anthony has received tons of emails regarding the quality of his work and has a lot to stand on in fighting this termination. For now, he is NOT officially terminated as he chose to take his rights today and take some sick days and file for stress leave. We are trying to deal with this using the labor union but it is really stressful on us as he is the major bread winner in our home. I make money but not nearly enough to provide for us.

We are trying our best to trust God with what we need so we would really appreciate if you all could be in prayer for us if you are praying people! Thanks for all of your love and support through this. I will keep you posted as best I can.

**Make sure and enter our giveaway***

Dreams.

**Small reminder, if you have not entered the blog giveaway for the 500th post...read the next post down and get to entering. You have several chances to win if you do all of the things that I have listed. There will be a few prizes so get cracking. They are well worth your entries! Deadline is Saturday February 6,2010**

I have been thinking a lot about dreams lately. I don't mean the kind where a half dressed Jamie Foxx comes to you and asks you to massage him with hot oil. (Wait, you don't dream that too?) I mean the kind of dreams that you have when you are a little girl to get married and have a family. The kinds of dreams you have as a college student to change the world through your career. The kinds of dreams you have as a writer to write the Great American Novel. Those kinds of dreams.

Lately I have realized that a lot of my dreams have come true. It's hard to see that when you are in the middle of a loss of a dream or when you are going through challenging times. I have come to the conclusion that a ton of my dreams are now a reality. I thought it would be a good idea today to write a post about fulfilled dreams. Here is a list of dreams that I had that are now a reality and then a list of dreams that are still yet to be fulfilled but I have high hopes for:

Dreams that are fulfilled:

1. I moved out of the state of Indiana and made a life for myself elsewhere.


2. I graduated with my Bachelor's Degree in Psychology.


3. I married the man of my dreams.


4. I graduated with my Masters in Clinical Psychology.


5. I got a job in my field as a therapist in private practice.


6. I am teaching in the field of psychology (college level)


7. I live a happy life.

Dreams yet to be:

1. I still dream of having at least one child.


2. I dream of getting into shape and being at a healthy weight.


3. I dream about being a college professor (full time)


4. I dream about having a full caseload of clients in my practice.


5. I dream about writing a book.


6. I dream about getting that book published.


7. I dream about going to all 50 states and seeing noteworthy sites.


8. I dream about visiting Italy & France.


9. I dream about learning how to ballroom dance with Anthony.


10. I dream about having a succssful work and private blog.


11. I dream about being able to own a house.


12. I dream of owning a Mustang.


13. I dream of being debt free.


14. I dream of playing softball on a regular basis again.


15. I dream of celebrating 20 years married by having a wedding ceremony since we did not when we got married.

I am sure I can come up with several more dreams and I think this will be an unending post as I journey through life. I am curious...what are your dreams????!!!

It's a bird, It's a plane, It's the 500th Post!

Ok so here we are at the 500th post of Ericaland. Today, I thought I would open up the blog for its first ever giveaway. So here is the deal...if you are a reader of Ericaland you have until February 6, 2010 to enter the giveaway. The first thing you need to do is Answer the giveaway question which is....

What do you enjoy about Ericaland?

There are ways to get yourself more entries into the contest and here is how...

1. Sign on to follow my blog and let me know in the comments if you do or write me a comment and say "I already follow you" if you do.
2. Sign on as a follower of my work blog at http://www.fullhappyhealthylife.blogspot.com/ and let me know you did in the comments section or comment and say "I already follow you" if you do.
3. Refer one friend to each blog (Ericaland and the work blog) and receive an entry for each friend you refer who signs up. Let me know who you referred so I can give you your extra entries.

Remember the more entries you have the more likely you are to win the giveaway since each entry will equal one piece of paper with your name on it in the hat!!!! I will be choosing a few winners too so get to it...enter enter enter!

Have a lovely day and let the games begin!!!

Enjoying life regardless

Yes, it is post #499! I am so excited that the next post I write will be 500 posts. What a benchmark for having a blog for a LONG time. It feels good to be back writing on a consistent basis. Today I am writing about something I am learning to do...enjoy life regardless what is going on in it.

This morning I was reminded that this life is full of struggles, pain, and heartache but it really is about how we take it that makes all of the difference. My life over the past 29+ years has been full of tough stuff (losing those I love tragically, illness, family issues, etc...) and from what I can tell you...it makes so much difference in what you believe about life. Me, I believe life is to be enjoyed. Not only have I found that various places in scripture but it just doesn't seem worth all of the pain and suffering that we choose to put ourselves through.

Lately I have been taking opportunities to really enjoy life. I was doing a lot of worrying recently due to our financial status as well as Anthony's job seeming to always be in peril, my need to build a caseload, my diabetes being an issue, losing the baby, family having problems in various areas, etc.. and it was taking over my life. I would wake up just wishing to go back to sleep instead of having to face the day and it's issues. That my friends is called depression. I do NOT want to live my life is in this state of mind.

So here is the decision I made. I will not stop grieving what hurts. I will not act as if everything is peachy when it isn't but I will completely realize that everything that is bad is usually followed by a hundred things that are absolute blessings in life. Examples....

We never have enough money for everything we should have money for.....but I have a husband who works so hard and loves me every single day. I have all the love anyone could want.

I lost my first child in a very traumatic miscarriage ....but I have the ability to get pregnant and there is no permanent damage to me and I had the beautiful experience of being pregnant where as some do not have that ability.

I have diabetes and my whole life revolves around it...but I am alive and have lived through years of not taking care of myself properly. I have gotten 2nd, 3rd, and even 100th chances. :)

There are a million of these things I could do with every complaint I come up with. Again, I think it's so important to be honest about your feelings and truly grieve things but once you have done that...pick yourself up and realize that this life happens ONCE...so enjoy every second of it that you can.

Also, the main thing I am learning is not to let these seemingly huge issues really steal the joy of life and the things that mean the most....love, family, and passions/dreams. I am not going to let it steal mine. I hope you don't either.

Slow and Steady wins the race

Yes, this post is #498! Only two more posts until the big giveaway post. I hope you keep up on it so that you don't miss a chance to win!

You know that old saying "Slow and Steady Wins the race?" Well, it completely annoys me on so many levels. I might be one of the most impatient people that have ever walked this fine planet. The other night Anthony and I were doing our devotions before bed and the topic was "Love is Patient" and at the end of it, it said to ask ourselves the question "Are you patient?" The answer was a resounding NO from me and Yes from Anthony. I believe fully that Anthony is VERY patient and that I am the polar opposite.

This is NOT good for my life at all to be this impatient. There are reasons to numerous to fully list but here are a few...

-- I want a child yet it isn't time

-- I am building my caseload for work and it takes time

-- I need to lose weight and that will take time

--I am not in shape and it will take time to get there

-- I am a diabetic and taking care of myself takes so much time

Have you seen a pattern? Everything that is crucial to my survival and life are time consuming and I am a "get it done" kind of girl. Nothing that matters to me at all can be completed, accomplished, achieved, or mastered in the amount of time I want to spend which is negative minutes. I guess there is no escaping this lesson. I just need to go ahead and give the time it takes to learn it! ARGGGG

Baby Blues

First of all, if you are reading this...scroll down to the next post and make sure and be aware that on my 500th post I will be doing a giveaway in honor of my beautiful blog making it through 500 long posts!!! Now...onto my topic of the day...

So, life has been a bit difficult lately. As many of you know Anthony and I went through the loss of our first child (miscarriage) on July 16th of 2009. Well, this next couple of weeks are going to be especially difficult on this journey as our little guy would have been due on February 15th. As this day approaches we are tender hearted and sensitive about this issue. In just a few weeks we would have been walking out of the hospital with our first little one in new parent bliss and instead we are grieving the loss of one of our biggest dreams.

I know, I know...as you read this you are thinking "Oh Erica, you can try again" or "There is always next time" and to that I say "SHUT UP!" Just kidding..but seriously please don't say that to someone who has lost a little one. This is a loss just like any other...it hurts and breaks your heart. There is a dream attached to each pregnancy if the person carrying the baby is a human and I had dreams for my little Jamie. I dreamed of his first words being Mama. I dreamed about him playing with his cousins Shawn & Kaylea. I dreamed about him being like Anthony and having his beautiful Chocolate brown eyes. Most of all, I dreamed about loving him and tucking him into bed every night. My dreams have been destroyed. The only dreams I have for Jamie now is that when I get to be face to face with Jesus, he will hand me my little one and allow me to do what every mama wants to do ...HOLD THEIR CHILD. In saying that, I pray for that day...not in any suicidal way but in anticipation. I crave the way it would be to hold MINE and ANTHONY'S child.

So, as February 15th approaches I am feeling raw. I feel hopeful that one day (hopefully soon) I will want a child again. I feel hopeful that one day (hopefully not so soon) I will have another child. However, I will never have a first child. I already had one and he didn't get to meet his wonderful daddy who I respect more than any man on the entire planet. He won't get to play T-ball and experience the amazing feeling of falling in love. On the other hand, he gets to be with Jesus while my heart breaks. You can imagine my feeling torn. I am so happy he does not have to experience heart break, pain, and brokenness but I am selfish and wanted to experience being a mom to him.

Today, I just needed to write about my pain and I hope that my writing has helped someone else put words to a desperate place that every mom of a little one who is "too beautiful for Earth" has to deal with. I think I will end this post with a letter to my little angel.

Jamie,

I miss you terribly as your "birthday" gets near. I pray that you are enjoying every minute of being in Jesus' presence but my heart breaks in never getting to know you and seeing you grow up. Happy Birthday little one. We love you so much and as we grieve/celebrate who you were to us....I pray you can see how much we miss you.

Someday we'll be together my love,

Mama

Almost 500!!!!! GIVEAWAY!!!!!

I logged onto the blog today to kinda "vomit" my feelings on some stuff in my heart and realized that this is post #495 on my personal blog. Wow, I have almost written 500 posts in 6 years of having my blog. That is a lot of posts. I realize that a lot of people are WAY more consistent with their blogs but mine has been a friend for me over the last 6 years and I am so excited as I approach my 500th post. I decided that in honor of it...I will do a giveaway!!!! So, I am going to announce the giveaway on the 500th post so keep checking back in. I will have you all answer a question in the comments section and then will put all the names in a hat and randomly choose a winner for the giveaway! Get excited Ericaland readers!!! :)Now, I shall end this post and write another one of a less exciting nature!

Continuing to End 2009

As 2009 ends, I am still pondering the things that I want to change and work on in 2010. Here are a few that have come to my mind over the past few days....

-- Career Development--

I want to focus on building my therapy practice this year not to a point where it is the most important thing to me but to build it in a way that is professional, healthy, and profitable. I want to make sure I am not only taking clients for full fee but those at reduced fees and pro bono because I am called to this career and want to help those who need help. I want to keep up effectively with my supervision, paperwork, and learning so that I can be the best therapist possible to my clients.

--Home--

I want to be better about keeping the house clean, organizing the budget better, doing more to not waste in our household, make better decisions for the environment, stop wasting money, and being a good steward of what we have.

--Family--

I want to be able to visit my family at least 3 times this year. I also want to keep in better touch with extended family and build those relationships. I want to treat my family as I would want to be treated and forgive past offenses in the way God wants me to.

--Friends--

I want to do a better job this year of having time with the people I care deeply about. I want to make more of an effort to remember important events such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc...and do thoughtful gestures for those events. I want to write more hand written letters and do a better job of connecting with my friends.

--Giving back--

I want to make an effort this year to volunteer my time once per month to a charitable cause or something I believe in. In the past I have done soup kitchens, toy drives, etc...but this year I want to take that to a new level. I want to give back from the abundance that God has given me every single month in some way. I want to be creative in that giving and keep my eyes open to what God would want me to do with that time, money, and energy.

--Hobbies--

I want to further develop my hobbies and interests this year. I want to take the time to learn the guitar (since i have started), scrapbooking, other craft projects, knitting, learning to cook new things, exercise, sports, reading, movies, etc... I want to allow my life to be enjoyable and not just a series of obligations. I want to truly enjoy every day of my life by taking in all of the beauty and wonderful things that God has blessed me to be able to do and enjoy.

That's it for today....ongoing in the new year.

--E--

Ending 2009...

I just did an update on our "Lewis Family Blog" so I thought it was time to revisit my blog and write again. This is something I have kept since 2004 and lately I haven't given it much attention. Losing little Jamie really affected me and made me sort of disconnect from the outside world for a bit. Not in the literal sense as I still hang out with friends, work, and go out in the public but my blog has always been really personal and honest and that has seemed very difficult.

Today's post is going to address some changes that I want to make in my 30th year here on Earth. In August of 2010 I will turn 30 years old. Although I have no problem with that and view aging as a change to get more mature, wise, and even happier...I also view it as a milestone that deserves some serious attention as well.

I am not really looking at these things as "resolutions" although I am making them at the end of a calendar year and they are things to better me as a person or things I would like to give more of myself to. In saying that, I have always made resolutions and I usually shoot for the stars and make 50 to 100 a year. I usually meet about 25% of my resolutions and have always felt good about that. I think that they are things to give you focus and direction and they should last past february.

Here is the beginning of my "Focus list" and the reasons that I want to consider these. It will be a place to be accountable through the year to and may give some motivation to others who stumble upon this post.


--Spiritual Life: Maintain my relationship with God above all other relationships.

This is such an important one to me now that I am an adult. I have been a Christian for approximately 15 years now and I have always taken God very seriously however I have fumbled around at different times with different issues just as everyone who walks with Christ does. The goal this year isn't to read through the bible or pray 30 minutes a day but to be intimate with my God entirely and to stay consistent to my walk with him. Always paying attention to how I love others, give to others, or behave in situations that are not easy. Although bible reading, prayer, church attendance, service, etc... are hugely important disciplines...there is a greater discipline of love that I hope to work on this year in depth. While working on that love I will of course be focused on the word of God, prayer,etc... because only by pursuing WHO God is..can I be like HIM!

Marriage Relationship: Making my relationship with Anthony my FIRST ministry and FIRST job!

For so many years I cried and whined and begged God to bring my husband to me. Some of those years I was engaged to someone that was not good for me at all and I prayed that God would bring me someone who was compassionate, loving, attentive, sweet, strong, protective, good looking, hard working, naturely selfless, etc... and God delivered on every single prayer of my heart. He gave me the most wonderful husband that could ever be chosen for me. He was tailor made for me and I for him. God is so amazing for doing that and sometimes I take that gift for granted. This year I want to learn to talk sweeter to Anthony, treat Anthony with respect every single moment I talk with him, lift him up and help him in every way I know how, and to love him with such ferocity that he is awed by my level of love. I love to see my husband smile and I love the closeness that we share and every day that i am alive I want to bring that smile and closeness to a higher level...or die trying!

Personal Health: Being the best me possible physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, & socially

I have never been good at this. Over the years I have noticed that the women in my family DO NOT take care of themselves. Whether it be that they give and give and give and never take any time for themselves or whether it be that they carry around bitterness and anxiety instead of choosing forgiveness and peace...or whether they are simply overworked and underappreciated, they just don't care for themselves. I have been really led this year to change that about my family. I don't want my daughter to ever think it's ok to not get normal doctor check ups, eat correctly, or even to take a break in the day to catch her breath and enjoy life. My job this year is to change that about myself and therefore change the whole system of my family. This will occur by getting all appropriate check ups, focusing on health and weight loss, getting diabetes completely under control, listening to the physicians about the proper time to have children, Taking time each day to unravel and care for myself if only for 30 minutes a day, talking things out with friends and colleagues, getting appropriate supervision with clients and not "taking things home" and allowing intimacy to continue to develop in friendships and my marriage to be able to grow from these relationships even as I give.

This post is going to be an ongoing post until New Years day as I build on the things I want to work on. These were the ones weighing heavy on my mind today. 2010 is going to be the best year ever!!! :)

Totally in love.

Anthony and I met over three years ago in June of 2006 and I pretty much knew immediately that he was my husband. We dated for over 2 years before getting engaged and now have been married over a year. It has been a tough year for both of us with job issus, the loss of a child, and a few personal struggles on both of our ends. I also finished graduate school from August-May of our marriage so everything was always chaotic but nonetheless happy. Lately, we have been in one of the hardest times of our lives with losing the baby a little over 2 months ago and tons of financial concerns. I can honestly say that in three years, THIS is the most in love with my husband I have ever been.

Not only has he fully supported us for our entire marriage but also he has done it with a good attitude and a smile on his face. He has done over and above for us like giving me a great birthday and anniversary when the money was extra tight. He has loved me, put up with me, taken care of me, and been a great father to the little one that we had for only 11 weeks! :) I seriously am so lucky to have such a great husband and I can't get enough of him! It's crazy to actually fall in love with someone more every day...like we said in our vows! :)

Sigh...Just thought I would share that the 50% divorce rate is not present in this house..we work hard through hard times and love each other more through the toughness! Thank you Jesus for my Anthony!

Growing pains

Lately I have been learning so much and yet have been in more pain that I ever remember being in. We honestly have gotten through the miscarriage pretty well with God's grace, mercy, and healing. We have accepted what is and trust God with the timing of our child and/or children coming into the world. There is still pain but the pain is certainly manageable. Anthony's job also has been something that we have been able to release and trust God with. He was getting all of these notices that his productivity had to be higher or he would be put on disciplinary action and then out of nowwhere he started getting email after email from customers to manager and corporate people telling them how great Anthony's service was. We are so grateful to these people for their time and effort to write those emails when they were not asked to do so.

Just this week it seems like we are getting those straws happening that are rumored to have broken the camel's back. On Wednesday morning, Anthony went out in the morning to leave for work and my car would not start. Anthony's car has been on the fritz for months and we haven't had the money to fix it yet, so we have been relying entirely on my car that, although really well maintained, is 9 years old and has over 160,000 miles. I was not surprised that it needed something done because my car has been amazing to me over the 9 years I have owned it. Every mile except for 30 are miles I put on that vehicle and I have given a lot of energy to it to keep it running well. Lately we have been putting so many miles on it with Anthony's job that I figured normal wear and tear would happen. I started the day with a decent attitude about it and started problem solving. I quickly asked Anthony if a friend from work could pick him up and bring him home if we agreed to pay for 1/2 of his gas for the week. I kept a smile on my face and continued to say how blessed we truly are no matter what goes wrong.

Then, Anthony had a feeling he should check our bank account as we had a bill that needed to be paid. He looked and found that our account was in the red and quickly saw the culprit. We had been charged from the bank that holds his car loan twice. We quickly called them to disput the charge and they said "Nothing can be done" and blamed Anthony for authorizing the payment. They said we should call the bank and contest the charges which would take 30 days to correct. We were stuck! Suddenly the straw just broke that camel's spine....

I began to cry and almost scream how sick of all of this struggle I truly am. I am not by any means ungrateful for anything. I thank God daily for all that he does for us. That I have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, clothes to wear, food to eat, friends and family who love me etc.... I am grateful that my husband works so hard to keep us taken care of. I am grateful to have friends who are willing to help us with transportation but man...I am worn out!

I feel like such a baby by feeling this way but I feel beat up. I know that there are seasons in life and we are experiencing the dead of winter. I pray that spring is on the horizon because we are so tired. Please keep us in your prayers through this difficulties. Surely there is light at the end of the this tunnel that is not just the headlights of a locomotive! :)

I hope that you are all well. We miss everyone we haven't talked to and I missed my blog lately.