The Black Elephant in the Room

So the other night, Anthony and I were in the car and discussing some things that we have noticed about our marriage. I noticed that I have never really taken the time to write about what my irritations are in being in a biracial relationship. Now, most people will automatically assume that my irritations are about being married to Anthony and all of our cultural differences and on and on. No, not at all actually. My irritations are with white people in my life who say really thoughtless things and do really thoughtless things. This post is going to feel passive aggressive and for that, I apologize. There is no one specifically that I am pointing out for doing the following things but there are corporately a ton of people who have done these things. If you are one of the people who feels like this list may include you, I mean no harm but I hope that it helps you become a tad bit more sensitive to other's feelings on their privacy and their marital relationship.

Irritation # 1: The Myths!

I have heard this sentence from men and women alike and from people who know me very well and people who hardly know me at all..."Erica, are the myths true?" First of all, I will not begin to act like an idiot and not know what the "myths" they are talking about are yet I still make people voice them. If you are bold enough to get into my bedroom with my husband and myself, prepare to have a red face when you ask me if he is well endowed!! Secondly, I will not be answering that question. I would like you to take a moment and ask yourself how you would feel if I (a woman) came up to you (presumably a woman) and asked you what kind of heat your husband was packing??!! Do you want to slap me yet? Exactly! Also, please do not get mad when I do not let you in on whether black men perform oral sex or not. I have no intention upon putting visual images into your head about me or my husband in the privacy of our bedroom. This is not something you would ask a person married to a white man, so please don't ask me!

Irritation # 2: The second thing that really burns my biscuits and to be quite honest, makes me incredibly sad is when someone asks me or my parents "Are you okay with Erica marrying a black man?" Are you serious? I know a number of white women who are now divorced from their white husbands because that man has hit them, cheated on them, hit their children, etc... and yet they don't get asked that question. My mom has always told me it did not matter who I fell in love with as long as they treated me right because she was smart enough and street wise enough to know that there are awful people in every race plain and simple and Erica wasn't raised by a fool. I picked a man who makes my heart melt and treats me with so much respect, I start to think I am pretty great stuff! I wish all of my friends could have an Anthony....if only everyone in the world would figure out, my parents don't need to give me approval and they don't need yours either.

Irritation # 3: Here is a little hint, if every time I see you, you tell me how great it is that I married a black man and how "okay" you are with it. You are not okay with it! PERIOD. I will leave this one alone from here.

Irritation #4: I will just put the sentence here and speak on it for a minute "I worry about your kids, that they will be confused." This sentence translates to "I am confused and worried because you are threatening the way I think and feel...your kids are not even on my radar." First of all, please worry about your own kids and the ignorance you may be spreading and don't worry...kids learn how colors mix in kindergarten. Dark Brown and White...makes lighter brown. NUFF SAID!

I am sure I have more, but I just had to put it out there. If you are offended or feel hurt by anything I have said, I wish I could say I am sorry...but I have been getting offended by these things for a long time.

Main Ideas:

(As Anthony would say) Stay out from under our clothes

My parents don't need your approval

I don't need my parents approval

NO you aren't okay with it

P.S. Thank you to those friends who just take Anthony as Anthony and never tell me they are okay with it. I know you are because of that! We love you right back!

The End!

Finding a new place in life

We moved to Indiana over 2 months ago now and we are settling in nicely. I am learning that I am in a different place in my life right now. For the last, oh let's say 13 years I have been all about my career for the most part in finishing my Bachelor's degree, my Masters Degree, getting hours for a license as a Marriage/Family Therapist, and beyond. When we decided to leave California, I just assumed that I would continue to be consumed with my career, just in a different zip code. That could not be further from the truth. My whole heart has changed since moving here. Maybe this is what God had in mind?

This is not to say that I still don't have passions/dreams/goals for my career. It just seems like the importance they used to hold is not quite there right now. I have been having a really hard 2 years in dealing with the loss of our child and thinking about when I would like to proceed in trying to have another baby. I have NEVER came to a place where I felt like I was completely ready and would go forward. I am still not there to be honest, but I am way further than I was in California. I am at least focused on my health here and doing the right thing by my body to prepare for having another child.

The doctor and I have agreed entirely on the plan and I am moving toward those goals that we have set out. I am still working in the meantime by tutoring, coaching, and pursuing my associates number here to finish hours for Indiana licensure but it just isn't the thing at the forefront of my mind. I think daily about what it takes to be a good parent. I think about what it means to take care of yourself and really get your body in a good place to not only carry a child but raise one. I think about my marriage and how I could be a better wife each day. My priorities seem to have shifted and in my opinion, are beginning to be clear and in order.

I am getting so excited for our first holidays in Indiana. We are hosting Thanksgiving at our house so it should be a blast. I love to entertain. I am also having a big birthday bash for Anthony in December for his 31st! These kinds of things are really making me happy in the midst of a very uncertain and waiting time. I am enjoying being around my family and seeing my nieces and nephew so much. It is such a blessing to be able to watch their daily lives and growth. I do miss California in some ways but to be honest, mostly the people I left there and not the state itself. I feel so much more peaceful here and my blood pressure has come down to normal on a daily basis. That can't be a coincidence!

Anthony and I both feel happier, more well rested, and less stressed than we have for the last 5 years! I am hoping that my blog will also be something I now have time for as it has always been a great friend to me.

I hope you are all well and check back in often for updates! Happy Thanksgiving in advance!

Don't take it personal

Yesterday, I spent a bit of time with my gorgeous nephew Shawn and he served as a great reminder to me of things I need to learn. He is 2 years and 5 months old and full of energy and curiosity. He loves to get into things, try things out, and experiment. He comes to my house and every item I own becomes his next big interest, for a few minutes. Yesterday he was playing with my refrigerator magnets and learning that they stick to each other, to the fridge, and not to certain other areas in my house. Neither Hilliary or I got to him in time to keep the magnets from their swim in Nika's water dish. These are things he is doing now on a minute by minute basis and of course driving his mama crazy!

Hilliary and I were talking and she was feeling overwhelmed by his sudden new need to try everything and not listen very well either. I was reminding her about where he is in his development and saying to her "Don't take it personally" when I realized I need to take my own advice. Reminding Hilliary that Shawn is simply a two year old with a lot of world questions and not a child who really wants his mother to be near insanity is when I realized that I take so many things personally in my life and allow them to be hindrances to my walk with Christ, my relationship with my husband, and even my self-care.

I take it personally when a bill is overdue and we can't figure out how to make ends meet. I blame God and feel like he doesn't love me because all things don't fall in place easily. I take it personally when my husband forgets to do something I have asked him to do yet don't want him to take it personally when the same thing happens to me because I have overbooked myself with things to do. I take it personally when I feel awful and people do not stop needing me, instead of drawing boundaries and taking care of myself so I can feel better. I can truly take a lesson from Mr. Shawn Lee and not take it personally!

--E--

A month in

The last time I wrote in my blog it was 25 days before we were going to leave for Southern Indiana. So much has happened since that blog was written and it feels a million miles away. Technically we have only lived in Indiana for a month and 11 days and it has been absolutely crazy. Before we left for Indiana we had planned to have a large yard sale to get rid of some of our belongings to make our move much easier. Well, on August 7th I was admitted to the hospital for Gallbladder issues and was treated for a few days before having my Gallbladder removed on August 10th. I turned 31 years old on August 9th and that same day, Anthony and I were married three years. I spend my birthday and our anniversary on heavy medication and in serious pain. The next day, I was one organ down.

As you can imagine, that is not the ending we had planned for our time in California. The move was made very hectic due to this as I could not lift anything and really was no help to Anthony at all in the packing of the truck. Also, I wasn't able to drive my car so we had to leave a lot of our belongings in storage in California and my car is still parked there as well. What a bummer! I am, however, grateful that my Gallbladder has now been removed and I feel so much better from that nonsense.

The trip across the United States was incredibly fast due to us moving our cat as well. The trip went very well and was uneventful and we appreciated that so much. Nika really liked to travel and spent most of her time sleeping underneath the seat or looking out the windows when we made pit stops. She is really adjusting to Indiana nicely but then again, she is an indoor cat so I don't know if she would even notice anyway.

As we were about a state away from Indiana, my little sister (Brittany) went into Labor with my second niece. She was not really scheduled to be delivered until September but she had other ideas. She was born at 10:56 am on the day I arrived, August 27th. I was only hours from being able to be there. Luckily I was over at the hospital by that night and got to see my beautiful new niece, Madelyn Mae Marie Chastain.

I spent the first couple of weeks here doing what any other person who just moved does. I saw my nieces and nephew as many times as possible and started to unload boxes. A few weeks into September, in my hometown they have what is called "The Persimmon Festival" I come from the Persimmon Capital of the world and this festival has been going on for 65 years and it is always a big thing for my home town. I was determined to go a few days this year and enjoy it and remember what I loved about it as a kid.

The first day of the festival or the "kick-off" is the Candlelight Tour at Spring Mill State Park. I went down there with Hilliary, Robert (her husband), and my nephew Shawn and really enjoyed the whole event. I remembered how beautiful Indiana can really be and was able to catch up with a few high school/youth group friends. It was a great night. That afternoon I also went to watch my best Indiana Friend's little girl, Riley participate in the Mini Miss Persimmon contest. She was fantastic and ended up being crowned a princess in the pageant. So cute!

I went to the festival on Monday and really enjoyed seeing people and eating Persimmon Pudding and hanging out with Anthony and my family. Tuesday it seemed like my time here just changed drastically. We were having a great time at the festival and decided to call it quits for the night and headed over to the Mitchell Library where we had parked our car. My mom was riding home with us as well as my nieces Kaylea and Madelyn. A quick review, my mom had a stroke a few years ago and started to have problems walking. Last year she started using a cane and lost significant balance. So, we were walking to the car and my mom slipped on a small bottle in the road and lost her balance and fell.

The next several hours seemed to fly by as we called the paramedics, met her at the hospital, found out her hip was broken, and scheduled surgery for the next morning. Surgery was a success and she was released from the hospital a few days later, into a rehabilitation facility in my hometown. She is still there and it is presumed she will be for 6 weeks. Since then I have established Power of Attorney and have handled all of her business as well as my own. I am happy to help her and I know she needs it but I think we are both pretty exhausted. The good news is her rehab is going very well and she is doing everything the doctors are asking. I appreciate that more than she will ever know.

In our home, things are going pretty stressful as well. About a week after we moved here, Anthony started his new job at the Starbucks in a neighboring town. He really loves everyone he works with and just like Anthony, loves his job. We are very grateful with how easy the move was in terms of establishing employment for him. We found out upon getting here however that he was going to take a pay cut due to it being a different state. We thought that he would not be getting a pay cut due to his recent evaluation in California but we are not sure what is going on with that. On top of that, the store he works at has significantly less business than the one he came from so he often gets cut from work a 1/2 hour to an hour early and that loses money of course.

I have already started working here doing some Life Coaching as well as tutoring local students. I have not established a full time position yet due to helping my mom out and the fact that we are operating on one vehicle in a place with no public transportation. I also have to register with the Board here and that requires testing and a LARGE fee (Over $300). Overall, I am sure that with time we will be able to catch up our finances from the very expensive move and be able to find our niche but we are certainly in a very stressful situation starting out.

We love our new apartment and love the price that we pay for it. We are really happy with our neighborhood and location. We are more than excited to see the kids so much and we are looking forward to the holidays with them. It has just been a very hard month.

I have been sick the whole time we have lived here with what seems like the common cold but it won't go away so now I have to find some money to see a doctor so that I can get some antibiotics. Diabetic meds have been difficult to come up with since money has been so difficult starting out here and I have to establish all new doctors. I forgot how hard it is to move across the country and start over entirely.

I am hoping by the new year to feel settled and not miss California so badly. I don't miss the expenses, the stress, or the schedule. I don't miss hurting over not seeing my babies and having so much to do I could hardly sleep. I miss my friends, the weather, and knowing what was next for the most part. I know we made the right decision but I am struggling with all of the realities of this move. I am tired, sick, and stressed. I pray it all stops soon and I can see better health, better finances, and brighter horizons for me and my whole family.

I appreciate you reading and hope you are all well

--Erica

25 days until life changes completely

So some big changes are happening in my world. I have had this blog since I was in my undergraduate program in 2004 and it is so weird to me that I am 7 years down the road and looking at another huge change in my life. This blog has seen me through a huge break up, two years of single-hood and searching for myself, dating Anthony, going to graduate school, getting married to my sweet Anthony, graduating with my Masters, traveling, getting pregnant, losing my child, Anthony losing his job, and now it is going to see me over 2500 miles of moving back to my home state of Indiana. This decision comes at just the right time and I have watched God bless the decision over and over and I am looking forward to him continuing to bless it in 25 days when our car pulls out of California in pursuit of our new home in Indiana.

This move is a drastic change for Anthony who has always lived in Southern California and pretty big to me as I have grown very used to living here for the last 9 years. I have these beautiful nieces and a gorgeous nephew though that I refuse to miss growing up. Our financial struggles in California have been excruciating and although our marriage has stayed incredibly stable and happy, that is not a good reason to continue to struggle when we could be really thriving and enjoying our lives somewhere more affordable.

I wonder every day what this change is going to bring to us. Will we have a child soon? Will we buy a home in the next five years? What jobs will we end up with? What adventures will the Lord takes us on now. This blog has seen many adventures, heartbreaks, and celebrations and I am sure it is bound to see even more. I decided to blog today about what I look forward to in the next year of our lives with the move coming up.

-- I look forward to being a better wife because I won't have to work three jobs in order to survive.

-- I look forward to traveling more because we can afford to

--I look forward to focusing on my health

-- I look forward to time with my sisters, parents, and my babies

--I look forward to being healthy enough to try to get pregnant and start our family.

-- I look forward to building better relationships with all family members.

-- I look forward to every day being married to Anthony Lewis (as I always do)

As this change comes around the bend, I am excited yet nervous. Overwhelmed yet overjoyed. Here we go blog followers...another journey to embark on together.

--E--

It's time to talk

I have been silent for what seems like forever on my blog and I have missed the outlet but sometimes, it is just time to be silent. For the last few months, I have been working on a lot of issues. Anthony and I moved out of our apartment in February and that has been an adjustment as we moved to less space and a better place overall. Our financial status for the last year has been so hard due to him losing his job so we are feeling less and less stress daily. It takes so much longer to crawl out of that hole than you would imagine. My health has taken the top spot in my life lately and that has been something new that has required me to do a lot more personal journaling and therapy work than I would like to admit.

I found out this last couple of months that I have the first few signs of impending glaucoma and renal failure. As you can imagine, that really threw me into some sadness and annoyance but this time, it also threw me into action. I have been doing so well with my diabetes and am now in control. I know that I have the ability to reverse the damage I have done to myself and I will. I have been working towards health goals that I have never cared enough to even look at so it's been a few interesting months.

I am getting really excited as in just a few weeks I will be heading to Indiana to celebrate my nephew's 2nd birthday and see my family. My sister, Britt is pregnant with her second baby, a little girl Madelyn Mae. I can't wait to meet her! I love being an aunt and that has been a huge motivating factor in my decision to treat my body better....heck..treat myself better. I am still working diligently toward building my private practice client base, selling Avon, tutoring, and just finished up a semester at Vanguard helping out with the Cog B Lab.

Anthony just enrolled in college and is working at Starbucks. He would love to work on his business degree and work toward corporate Starbucks. He loves the company and really believes in it. I love to see that in him. We are currently NOT trying to have a baby until my health is fully on task. That is the right decision and we are happy to be doing it. Sometimes being great parents is prolonging your own desires until they line up with what is best for your little ones!

Overall, we are doing well and I would love to write longer but it is time to stop for today. I hope you are all doing well. Thanks for stopping in to read! :)

Erica

How is my life going?

I listen to a lot of Podcasts and I enjoy a lot of self-help ones and things that challenge me to be better. I am constantly in process and find myself continuing to change every single day. Today I was listening to one and the question that was posed was "How is my life going?"

I thought the blog would be a great place to talk about how my life is really going. There are so many areas of life but overall, you have one life. Here is how my life is going...

My life is certainly better than it ever was in my 20's. In my 20's I was disorganized, undisciplined, horrible within relationships, unsuccessful, selfish, a bad friend, and the list goes on. I decided how I would talk about my life is that I would take a moment to describe myself. I have never done this and it feels sort of awkward so ...here goes....

I am a wife. I am the kind of wife that doesn't do everything perfectly. I love my husband very much and value his position in my life. I often fall through on daily tasks but do a decent job of loving him and supporting him through life's trials. I am the kind of wife that never talks bad about my husband to anyone. I seek advice from a mentor couple and other than that, I speak kindly of Anthony and treat him with respect. I am incredibly faithful to Anthony not only in deed but in words and in private. Sometimes I lean back on old habits like speaking harshly or being selfish but in this 3rd year of marriage, I am doing better than I have in the past.

I am a woman. It used to feel weak for me to be feminine and often I would simply avoid that part of my personality. I am not afraid to be a woman anymore. I embrace my girly side and completely love wearing makeup, getting dressed up, selling Avon, and being the feminine part of my home. I love that I am not only in love with jewelry and purses but also have a mind that is intuitive and strong. I embrace my ability to talk through issues and have empathy in most situations easily.

I am unhealthy. I have battled my health for years not just because I am a type I diabetic but also overweight. Over the years, there have been times when I haven't cared what goes into my body or even what my body is going through daily. I now take all of my medications faithfully and see my doctor's whenever possible. I also think much more about what I eat and do. I think consciously about my health each and every day and if you knew where I was coming from, you would be amazed.

I am a therapist. One of the things that makes me who I am is my deep calling and desire to help hurting people. Yes, sure I am also intrigued and amazed by the human condition but overall, I like the look of relief on someone's face when they have been battling depression for years and suddenly they don't want to die. I come from a long line of mentally unhealthy people and for that reason, my heart is burdened. I believe with everything in me that God created me with this purpose in mind.

I am happy. This one has so much meaning for me. My life has been full of heartache, tragedy, loss, and pain....but God has redeemed so much. I am married to the love of my life. I had a short time to be a mother to my son Jamie and lost him while pregnant but some people don't even get weeks. I have a beautiful family that includes a niece and nephew and I love them dearly as well as the sisters who made them. I have a beautiful nephew in heaven who only 13 days here but I still love and look forward to the day I meet him. I am overall satisfied with my life with a desire to always be better.

How is life going? Pretty stinking good...maybe more than I thought when I started this post!

Avon Giveaway

Hi everyone,

I am using my personal blog to give the rules/guidelines for my current Avon giveaway.

Here are the rules:

For every $25.00 that you spend, you will be entered into a drawing only open to my customers for a makeup bag full of over $200 worth of product. There are no limits to how many entries you can have, that is completely up to you. This drawing will be open for Campaign # 3 and # 4 so get your orders in.

** As a special incentive, if you have friends who might like to order, if you get them to become a customer and they only spend $10, you will get two extra entries into the drawing. Make sure and let your friends know that if they put in a $25 order, they will also get an entry!

Go

HERE.

to shop and get your entries! :)

Happily Married

If there is one thing that I have learned about marriage in my last 2.5 years is that you can NOT be selfish and happy at the same time. I think I started out in Marriage incredibly selfish and kind of had it in my mind that Anthony's job was to make me happy. I quickly learned that there is no way that works. The marriage that works and is happy is where both people have a servant's heart and want to help the other.

Lately God has really been dealing with me on being selfish. We have had a very hard last year and a lot has changed in our plans for our life. Anthony lost his job in February of last year and everything sort of changed. Our plans to have a child got drastically put on hold and even living in California is up in the air at this point. My dream was to stay in California and try to have a child in the next couple of years. I am not sure what God's plan is but I have learned that my plans are not necessarily in conjunction with His.

Lately, I have really been thinking about my issues that make marriage harder. I am a control freak. Growing up in a home where things were unpredictable to say the very least made me someone who hates change and hates not being in control. I try not to use my blog as a place to blast my parents or tell the world what I think they did wrong. I have learned that parenting is literally THE hardest job in the whole world and so, I will no longer throw stones. I would do things very differently than both of my parents did them but what is done is done.

I also do things very differently in my marriage than I have seen married people do. My grandparents were married for over 40 years, however, it didn't seem that they really liked each other. I think there was love for sure but there was so much ignoring, bickering, and lack of intimacy. In my home, my mom and dad divorced when I was 1.5 years old so I don't remember ever having a nuclear family. My mom remarried when I was 5 and had my little sister so things were very different and chaotic in our house. My dad remarried when I was 4 and had my other little sister and at that point, I felt like I completely disappeared.

The step-parents were worlds apart. My step-father was in my home and had a lot of say in what I did, said, and how my life was. Again, this isn't the place to talk about things that went wrong but I'll just say, they went wrong. My step-mother was one of the most genuinely good people I have ever known. She really treated Hilliary and I like a priority and never tried to be our mother which was paramount to my respect for her. She passed away in 2007 and I truly miss her.

We went through another divorce when my mom and step-dad divorced when I was 16. I mostly saw their marriage in action and what I recall was hiding things, a lack of respect on both sides, inappropriate behavior, and totally forgetting how to parent. I guess for me, I am so afraid if I am not in control that these types of things will happen in my home.

The new year is bringing me new awareness. The number one awareness it is bringing is that Anthony CAN BE TRUSTED. I have known that for the last 5 ish years but somehow it has not translated to my behavior. I think I am beginning to see that God picked him in mind of all that my heart had to go through as a little one.

Thank you Jesus for loving me through this and through my past!

I pray you all are Happily Married! :)

What is rest?

Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while.

Mark 6:31

One thing that has always been difficult for me for a long time is rest. The definition says that it means "a state of inaction." For me, that is the hardest thing to read although I know that the truth is that rest is essential for well being and health. One of my resolutions is to have a daily quiet time and also to do more self care. This year I want to learn how to rest. Today I am going to do just that.

I want to get myself a cup of tea or coffee and sit/lay on my couch in my most comfy pj's for 30 minutes uninterrupted today. That includes silencing the cell phone, not having the TV on, and not getting on the computer. No books either...just rest. A state of inactivity!

Resolutions n such

I haven't written on my blog for a while but it isn't due to a lack of thoughts, just a lack of motivation to write. I thought I had better write today about resolutions being the new year is here. 2010 was extremely hard for me and my family so I am looking forward to 2011 being a bit easier and having much more opportunity. In the spirit of the "holiday" here are my 2011 resolutions!

My resolutions are sectioned into categories with five resolutions in each category that are of utmost importance this year.

Health:

1. Get under a new diabetic doctor or the old one and find a diabetic medication regime that works to get my sugars under control.
2. Get my Hemoglobin A1C to a 7 or lower.
3. Lose a reasonable amount of weight per month (between 10-12 lbs) with a goal for the year of 120-144 lbs
4. Incorporate exercise into my life where I do at least 150 minutes per week
5. Eat at least 2-4 servings of fruits/vegetables a day until it is a habit.

Marriage:

1. Use all five love languages on my husband each day to make sure I am doing my best to give him what he needs to feel loved.
2. Pray for my marriage each and every day
3. Each week do something tangible to show my husband I love and appreciate him (a card, note, small gift, act of service, etc...)
4. Do my part to complete my household responsibilities on time to show dedication to my marriage/husband.
5. Take time each day to talk with Anthony face to face and without distraction for at least 30 minutes.

Spiritual:

1. Take time to pray each day (no time limit)
2. Read Bible each day (no limits)
3. Spend at least 10 minutes in quiet time each day
4. Find a church to go to and go faithfully
5. Find a way to do service and get involved each week

Career:

1. Maintain work blog each day
2. Keep notes/files up to date with clients
3. Do 1 hour of marketing for therapy job each day
4. Bring all things up to date (MFTI, Insurance, memberships, etc...)
5. Keep all hours documented and copied well

Avon:

1. Build a large customer base
2. Keep up with customers via email, Facebook, calls, etc...
3. Do at least one giveaway a month to elicit new business
4. Spend 1 hour each day working on Avon goals
5. Go to all available meetings/opportunities that Avon allows.

Friendships/Family Relationships:

1. Be in better contact with all friends by trying to call three friends each week to catch up
2. Send one card/letter each week to friends/family
3. Pray for friends and family daily
4. Call every two days to check in with Kaylea and Shawn
5. Have at least two friend outings per month to invest in friendships

Finances:

1. Move out of apartment to a better situation by Feb. 1st in order to save money
2. Work on getting all bills to current that are monthly and maintaining a monthly budget that works.
3. Try to make $1,000 over what we need each month in order to pay off debts/save/etc...
4. Save 10% of our income each month to create a better emergency situation
5. Fully research moving out of state and decide if it is financially feasible.

Personal:

1. Be more organized with paperwork and try to deal with mail immediately and file/trash/deal with whatever needs to be done
2. Clean out email entirely once per week and do not let it get overwhelming
3. Keep space neat and tidy (car, table, etc...) to be most productive
4. Do one day of self care per week in order to de-stress
5. Read one book for pleasure each week :)

I am sure there is much more I would like to accomplish in 2011 but these are the beginnings. I try to set realistic goals in several categories of life and I never get down on myself if I don't meet one. I just try to do as much as I can. I would rather reach for the highest level and get half way there than reach low and get all of the way there. I pray that you all have a wonderful 2011 and hopefully I will be blogging much more to keep you up on changes and growth.

Happy New Years~

Erica

Desperate..not so housewives

This week in the news there seem to be an extraordinary amount of divorces. Eva Longoria (From Desperate Housewives) and Tony Parker (NBA player) have announced their divorce.




Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman (Music Executive) have also called it quits.





I know that this is not terribly surprising in Hollywood but for some reason, it is really disturbing to me this time. I think because Eva and Tony got married in July of 2007 which is dangerously close to my August 2008 wedding. Also, Christina and Jordan got together 5 years ago which Anthony and I did as well. I think it just cuts too close to home.

I mean, if you read anything in the news at all or watch Ellen, like I do, there are obvious reasons for these marriages ending. Infidelity is always the word we hear thrown around in the rumor mill of Hollywood, however, is that easier than saying "we just don't get along?" Does it seem more socially acceptable to say that someone cheated or was seen with someone else? I secretly wonder if anyone actually cheated and if there is just the issue of marriage being incredibly hard. I sure didn't know it would require this much work when I got married.

I remember being single only a few years ago and praying to God saying things like "God, if you just bring my husband, everything will be alright." I can't believe I actually uttered those words and mostly I can't believe how gullible I was. I should note that in my opinion I have a very good marriage. I love my husband very much and appreciate him while also feeling incredibly loved and appreciated. I would still say that Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Marriage is a collage of things I never expected at all in life. I never realized how selfish I was until I was married. I never realized how anal retentive and how much of a perfectionist I was until I was married. I never realized how incredibly stubborn I was until I was married. Marriage is like a holding a mirror up against the content of your character and sometimes what you see is worse than one of those scary Bloody Mary Horror movies in the 80's. I was not pleased to really truly see myself in marriage.

I wonder quite frequently if that is the reason so many marriages fail. I think it is hard to see oneself as you truly are. I think it's hard to see all of your fears, failures, and weaknesses displayed daily by watching someone you love be disappointed. I think it is super easy to be single and think about all of the ways that you will love your spouse and then the marriage comes and you realize that the things that you thought you would be good at, you fail miserably at daily. You learn that your expectations of what it would be like to be a husband or wife are vastly different from what your husband or wife thought you would be like. You learn that the person that matters the most to you and is closest to your heart, can make you homicidal by leaving their socks in the same place over and over and over and not considering that you are the one picking them up and there is no sock fairy.

I say that after doing 1 and 1/2 years of premarital therapy. I know some who get married with no more than a couple of months of dating and expect to not have a moment of disillusionment. I am not trying to dump on marriage or even to make people not want to be married but it is vastly different than dating and there really is no way to know what it is like until you are married. I don't care if you have lived together before marriage or not..it is different. I say that and feel sad today that marriages are ending around me right and left. Not just in Hollywood but in my friend's lives. It is hard to see people break up when you got married around the same time. It is hard to imagine for me being able to stay married without feeling that my vow to God was important. I vowed so many things to Anthony and to Jesus and letting them down is just not an option.

All of this to say today...I am sad about divorces...Hollywood or not, they are marriages and they bring grief with their ends. Stay married people...I bet it gets easier! :)

30 days and almost 3 months

Well here I am 3 months in to being thirty and so far, it's been the best year of my life. I have gained so much perspective on being an adult, a wife, and a mother that I can hardly contain all of my growth. In October, I headed to Indiana to see my niece turn a year old and that was such a pleasure. I stayed with my older sister, her husband, and my precious nephew Shawn and I really had a great time there. I also was able to catch up with a few friends and really enjoy time with my babies. I think I learned so much about being a mother just watching Hilliary and the way she so selflessly gives to Shawn and the struggles that come with being a single mom (Britt) and how that must be overwhelming. I gained a sense of real gratitude for Anthony and our marriage and all of the ways that he helps me in our lives.

When I got back I headed to the women's retreat I wrote about in my last post where I centered my attention and prayers on healing over the baby and how that was for me. I had so many fears after losing Jamie that I would never give birth to a child and every pregnancy would end the same way. I know that I have zero control over this issue and that really brought me to a place of healing on the retreat and I was able to come home and begin Operation Baby Lewis yet again. This year it means something different to me. One of the things that I realize upon having these precious babies (Kaylea & Shawn) in my life is that there are things about me that I would never want to teach a child.

I won't go into specific detail about most of them as they are far too vulnerable to share, however, I will say that there are days that I remind myself of someone that I do not admire. I don't appreciate that I have taken on characteristics that I do not admire in myself as a wife, a friend, a sister, a Christian, and a woman overall. There are things that I really want to be in life and some of those are crucial to raising a child. I don't plan to get "perfect" before conceiving again but while I wait for God to give us our little one, I want to be in progress as I have been the entire journey of this blog. This blog has traveled with me since 2004 and I am proud of the person I have become, but I am not a finished product.

There was a certain level of health that I wanted to have in my life before I got married and for the most part, I attained that. I have certainly grown in multiple ways since marrying Anthony but I did feel entirely ready to be married. I am glad I did feel ready and did a lot of prep work because our loss of Jamie and Anthony's loss of his job really took a toll on us personally and luckily the strength of our marriage has gotten us through it. We are not entirely out of the woods from the repercussions of the job loss or the baby loss but...we are certainly farther than we were. Overall, we are stronger than we were when we started this journey and I pray that each year of our marriage...actually each day of our marriage makes us more dedicated to this journey together.

The way that Anthony and I have decided to proceed into the baby territory is just to allow God to do his will. (chuckle) As if we have a choice! :) I really like control of situations and I like charting my own path and knowing exactly when something is going to happen. In my life, I have been able to accomplish that for the most part with my career, my marriage, my health, my relationships, etc...but this area is one that I can NOT control and I have given my desire away to do so. Anthony and I deeply want a child (biological or otherwise) and are taking one step at a time towards that. The main goals for us both are to have a VERY happy and healthy marriage and healthy bodies as those are great assets for parents to have.

I will go ahead and address this question as it always comes up to me, I will not be telling anyone when we are "trying" so we could be right now..and maybe we aren't. We have also chosen not to disclose to anyone about a pregnancy until we are able to know a gender, unless for some reason there is a desperate need to tell (like I am as big as a house!) These decisions are not to hide anything from anyone or to avoid conversation about it, it is simply for Anthony and I to get through the scariest part of the process (conceiving and the first trimester) so that we feel a sense of peace and security with how things are going. You can never feel entirely secure in pregnancy in general and even more so after losing a child but...we are going to get the peace we both need through the process and ask that everyone understands our desire to hold this by ourselves.

We are also not going to disclose when and if we pursue adoption or other such options. We are just trying to navigate this as married people and we find that the pressure that comes from our loved ones knowing is overwhelming given our circumstances. We understand that a lot of the questions, concerns, and curiosity is out of love for us and we are truly thankful for your love and for the way our family and friends held us up in prayer during the loss of Jamie. It literally saved our lives so many times. We both feel a great sense of peace and feel led to do this in this manner so we appreciate in advance all of the respect we know that we will feel with our decision. We just ask that the day that we do disclose any info, that you will understand that our love for you is real and we never mean to withhold information but to simply wait until its proper season.

In saying that, I have started Operation Baby Lewis in our home and that is simply Anthony and I joining together to get healthy physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, and otherwise so Baby Lewis is in the best home he/she can possibly be. We both feel a need to get physically healthy including eating better, taking better care of our health concerns, and exercising as if we like it! :) We both also feel a need to make sure we are on sure footing spiritually to bring another life into this house and mold their lives. It is a huge responsibility and it is one we definitely don't want to take without God's leading. We are both pursuing financial maturity through this process of job loss and learning what it means to be a good steward and to make wise financial decisions. Overall, we are spending a lot of time fostering our marriage in date nights, intimacy, and working on our communication constantly so that the home is the most happy home we can make it be.

Anthony and I both come from very different homes but equally there were things we would like to do differently than our parents. Both of our parents are divorced and have remarried. We are really concerned about that aspect first because parents who are happily married and in love and work together create secure kids who know they have a safe place to fall. That is hugely important to us and we are very dedicated to that part our lives. We both feel that many couples have children well before they are ready to and in turn don't have their own relationship solidified and everyone suffers from that decision. We know we can't entirely ready for the challenges that children bring into a marriage but we can know ourselves and our relationship enough to be highly invested and as ready as we can be.

Anthony grew up in a saving home while I grew up in a spending home and we really want to be somewhere in between financially. We don't want to be so concerned with saving money that we forget to enjoy life and see the world but we also don't want to spend so much that money stresses create an unhappy, overextended home. We are beginning to work on this balance and we are really happy with how far we have come.

In saying all of this, we are seeking God's face on Baby Lewis and are excited to have you all pray with us through this journey. We both appreciate all of the support you have given us and we overly appreciate the lack of questions like "when are you going to try again" or "Have you decided not to have children now?" These questions are hard from any avenue during this process but it was nice that the people who love us and know us best have not even gotten near them. Thank you for respecting my grief, pain, and loss. You will never know how truly valuable it has been to not be afraid of these questions with my dearest friends. I will also speak for Anthony in saying thank you for understanding that although a woman goes through the actual miscarriage, Anthony is Jamie's daddy and his pain is very real as well. We have been through a lot together and we have really been so lucky to have the friends we have in this process.

We can't wait until we can give you news but in the mean time, please pray for Operation Baby Lewis 2010 -- ????

Thanks everyone for reading,

E & A

Retreat fostering seeking first the Kingdom

This weekend I went to a women's retreat with my church. I went last year as well and really loved it so I decided it was imperative to attend again this year. I have been thirty now for about 2 months and 9 days so I have been really focused on making Christ the center of my life. I am decent most days at spending time with Him in the morning and reading my bible on a semi-ordinary basis. I was beginning to lose steam when the retreat came up. This weekend was a good booster shot for my time with the Lord.

The first night of retreat I went out with a friend to the beach and just looked at the things he has created and prayed about some things that have been difficult recently. I then went to dinner with the same friend at a fantastic restaurant and just was really mindful of all the things HE has blessed me with. After dinner, we went back to the hotel and just relaxed.

The second day we had a morning session where the speaker spoke about how majestic God is and it was a fantastic reminder of just a portion of his character. I was really moved in my relationship with him and spend the rest of the day in a workshop about forgiveness. That was a big difference since I was working on forgiving myself and moving toward forgiveness of others a well. I found quickly that I was finding a place where God was tugging at my heart. It was certainly a good day.

On Sunday I went to a service in the morning and the worship was fantastic and I was able to pray with some ladies from my church and they really helped me gain perspective on how incredible God has planned my life and been there for me and will continue to be in my endeavors to be a good wife and a good mother. I came home and decided that things are going to continue to be different in my 30th year and I will continue to press in and abide in him to make sure my life reflects his majesty.

Dear Jesus,

Change my heart each and every day by teaching me about your character and how to press in to you more and embrace all that you have for me. I don't want control over my life anymore. You are my inspiration to be better Lord. I love you and praise you. Amen.

19 days...

In 19 short days, I will hit a major milestone in my life. I will turn thirty years old. It's hard to believe this is already here when I feel like I just turned 20 a few moments ago. As I mentioned before in the blog, thirty has me really thinking. It has me thinking about the things I wanted to accomplish by thirty, taking stock of what I have, in reality, accomplished, and what I hope to accomplish in the next year of my life. I am one of those people that wakes up every day hoping to be better than I was the day before in whatever aspects I can. I try to make sure I am staying true to my priorities and that I am constantly working on being closer to the image of Christ. I don't always achieve this and I often fall flat on my face to be honest, but I don't want to ever be okay with that and stop pursuing the new/fresh/better me.

One of the projects I have taken on for my 30th year is something I am calling "My 30 at 30" project. I am choosing 30 things that I want to really work on/change in my 30th year and am going to stay accountable to get them accomplished or at least worked on. We all say something every single year in our resolutions that never get done so I am using this time to treat this as a MUST DO list. I am in full belief that if we really want something, we will do it and not until. That being said, my list is full of things that I have been wanting to do for years but have never really committed to and I am using my 30th year as a jumping off point for actually getting these things worked on.

Some of them are personal and won't be shared completely on the blog, some of them are smaller and just need to be a breaking or creating of habits, and some of them are paramount to me being the healthiest I can be in every aspect and must be committed to beyond what I have ever been before. I would tell you at any given point if you asked that my first priority in life is my relationship with Jesus. I would follow that up with my relationship with my Husband. My third priority, I would tell you is my health. On and on the list goes sounding oh so noble and correct. I would tell all of those things but what the reality would be is that I want my first priority to be my relationship with Jesus. I want my second priority to be my relationship with Anthony. I want my third priority to be my health and relationship with my self. Are those things true?

NO!

It goes more something like this:

1. Facebook
2. Television Shows
3. Eating what I want
4. Career
5. Worrying about all of the priorities that aren't getting paid attention to.

As you can see, I have some work to do! I think if we were all very honest, we say that things are a priority but often times, they just aren't. In our minds, hearts, and souls..they really are important but not until they are suffering unfortunately. I have decided that to start this project, that is the place to begin. My priorities are very simple yet they are not being paid attention to.

So...

I am starting at the very beginning, a very good place to start! As I said before, my first priority is (I want it to be) my relationship with Jesus. This doesn't just mean going through spiritual motions and doing meaningless rituals to feel better about my relationship with Christ. It means legitimately making it the first thing in my life every single day.

Now you may ask yourself what that looks like to me. For me, it is a fairly simple equation.

Matthew 6:33 says "Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all of these things will be given to you as well.

I figure if that's true, then the other 29 items on the list will be easy if I am seeking first the Kingdom. Yeah right! Unfortunately, anything we are supposed to do is not designed to build comfort, but character. So the first item on my list is going to stem right from seeking first His Kingdom and His righteousness. If we want to be exactly like someone else, what do we do?

I would think we do the following:

• Spend time with them
• Study them and their character
• Spend time with those that know them
• Act out what they do

Since this is true, I decided my first step of spending time with HIM will be my prayer life. We all, as Christians need time with our heavenly Father. Not just to list the many things we need help with although that is okay too but to just BE with Him! I decided that each step of my thirty at thirty will be written in the same manner of committing to do something concrete and solid so that I am not feeling tempted to "technically" do anything.

So...without further ado...

1. In my 30th year, I will spend my first moments in prayer each morning when I wake up and my last moments of my day before bed in prayer.

I do not want to put a time limit on my prayer life just for the sake of keeping it fluid so that as I grow more in discipline to spend time with Jesus, that I don't watch the clock. I would just like it to naturally progress. The main idea in this endeavor is to make sure I make Jesus my first thought of the day and my last thought of the day and spending time with Him will help me be more like HIM!

Let the games begin!

Baby Steps

Well, let's talk about the elephant in the room. Babies. We are coming up on the anniversary of our first child's death. July 16th of last year I was in severe pain both emotionally and physically and watching one of my biggest dreams die. I really went through so much the last year in terms of my own healing and even seeing the ugliness in myself. It is so hard sometimes to feel happiness and joy for others when they find out they are pregnant, when they have children, and when they tell me what their baby's gender is. I try so hard to keep a smile firmly planted on my face but overall, I am just happy to get through it.

Although the year has brought many sad and difficult moments, it has also brought a lot of happy moments. I have not lived a horrible existence from what happened to me. I have hurt at times and I have had joy at times. I decided that when this happened, I would still serve God, love Him and trust him with my life. I also chose that I would still delight in the things that he has blessed me with like a wonderful husband, an awesome niece and nephew, great sisters, my awesome kitty cat Nika, and various other people and things in my life. So, although it has been a hard year, it has been a year I wouldn't take back.

Now, onto the topic. Everyone asks me and Anthony when we are going to have children and although we never really have an answer, I think I can finally answer it. I am not ready just yet. Although I have grieved for a full year and feel confident about trying to have a child again, I want to be in the best health I can be. So, I have started (about 2 months ago) to work out on a regular basis and trade in my old processed foods for whole foods and try to lose some weight. I have not been successful in losing any weight but I do feel a whole lot better. I am not sure what is holding back the weight loss but I will press on and continue to strive for better health.

My diabetes is in the best place it has EVER been in because for once in my life I have taken my shots for about 6 months straight with no failing. It has been the best I have felt in years. I have no idea if God is going to be bless us with a little one of our own but we do know that we want children so I just wanted to address this on the blog because I have been asked so much.

Yes I will try again

Yes, I do want children

Yes, Anthony still wants children

No, we have not been trying

Yes, we are considering adoption

Yes, I am scared to death of losing another child

but....

God has this in his hands and until I am healthy (by a doctor's standards) I will not try to have a child. If I get pregnant while NOT trying, then we will take the best care of my pregnant body but as for actively trying to get pregnant, WE ARE NOT.

I pray that as each day passes of this second year, I can get more and more healing over my heart and that my body becomes a great vessel to bring Baby Lewis # 2 into the world.

I appreciate all of your love, support, and prayers over the last year and will never forget the heart felt words you have all shared with me.

I can't wait to be a mom but...I will to be the best one possible!

--E--

Gladiator and Pride & Prejudice

I am not feeling too good today so I took advantage of the time down and watched Gladiator and read some Pride and Prejudice. Here are my thoughts on both. I am not quite done with the book but the movie was excellent. I really loved Russell Crowe's Character however, I really wanted to punch Joaquin Phoenix in the face by the end too! I have to give it to him though, the acting was phenomenal. You always know if you love or hate someone ...or feel strongly about them at all by the end of a movie, they must have done a good job portraying their character. I can understand why this movie is one to see before you kick the bucket.

The only criticism I have for it is that I am a bit squeamish when it comes to blood and guts and it was a tad bit much for me at some points but completely necessary for the material being presented. Good movie, I liked it a lot!

Onto Pride and Prejudice. I already just love the sarcasm that Eliza and Mr. Darcy have with one another and in general. Even though the language is not what I speak on a day to day basis, it is not lost on me how witty and awesome this writing is. I have wanted to read this for years and never made the time. I am glad I am making the time now. It is so far amazing and I will continue reading and reporting back. How are your life lists coming? Have you made any goals yet?

By the way, I also worked on my Spanish for right around 2 hours yesterday! Not bad huh?

Yo Necessito Estudiar mucho mas.

E

Life List, Vol 2

Here are the next 20 items on my life list: Today's list is going to be themed toward one of my passions....food. These are some famous restaurants out here in Cali that I am dying to visit.

21. Dan Tana's Italian Food for the Stars

22. Musso & Frank

23. Nate & Als Jewish Deli in Beverly Hills

24. Engine Co. # 28

25. The pacific Dining car

26. Spago's

Here are some more things on my life list that are NOT about food, these are about another passion altogether...traveling. Things I want to see before I leave this planet.

27. Times Square.

28. Graceland.

29. Central Park.

30. Pearl Harbor.

31. Art Institute of Chicago

32. Statue Of Liberty.

33. Lincoln Memorial

34. Metropolitan Museum of Art.

35. Freedom Trail.

36. Gateway Arch. (I have seen this but would like to go up in it)

37. Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and Museum.

38. Greenwich Village.

39. National Civil Rights Museum.

40. Space Needle

I love touristy stuff and want to see it all! There are plenty more where those came from.

1001 Movies...

So Anthony and I just made it through the entire Godfather series this evening. We made it part of our date night since we had Italian food and it was awesome. We had watched Godfather I and II over the past couple of weeks and the third one was no letdown. I loved every single second of all three movies and they got me that much closer to the 1001 movies to see before I die. The next is line is.....



I have to admit that in the past I probably would not have watched this movie so it will be a stretch for me and probably rewarding and the greatest part, it is absolute guaranteed time with the hubs because he loves movies and this one especially. I will let you know how it goes. I am excited about my life list.

I should also make you aware that I am currently reading ...



since it is on the list of books I should read before I die and although it has been sitting on my shelf for some time, I have never gotten around to reading it. I will also let everyone know my thoughts on that one.

I hope you all are working your way through your list and enjoy my thoughts on mine!

The Life List

So I was reading a blog I have recently become very into called Mighty Girl and found that she did a "Life List" and it totally inspired me. Although she has chosen many things I would not choose myself, it made me think about the things I would really want to do before I leave this planet. There are so many that I think this could really span several blog entries. For tonight, I decided to just do 20 and see where that takes me. I hope this inspires to not only write your list but also achieve the things on your list. Let's all live while we are here.



1. Learn to speak Spanish fluently

2. Learn to play an instrument well (I like guitar, drums, piano)

3. Watch the 1001 movies that I should see before I die from the aptly named book.

4. Read the 1001 books that I should read before I die from list on the internet (I have read a ton of these)

5. Learn to ballroom dance

6. Get to my goal weight and stay there.

7. Fall in love with exercise

8. Learn a new recipe every month of my life.

9. Own a home that I truly love.

10. Own a Ford Mustang (brand new) and do with it what I want.

11. Visit all 50 states and see the things that are truly remarkable in each.

12. Go to Vegas every six months of my life and stand where I married my husband.

13. Write a devotional for therapists

14. Write a novel

15. Visit Italy and France and enjoy the awesome food and sights.

16. Scrapbook my niece and nephew's life until they are 18 and give them books on their 18th birthdays.

17. Play softball on a league again.

18. Buy a dress I love myself in and go out on the town with my hubby in it.

19. Wear a bikini and look great in it.

20. Try 100 new foods.

That is it for tonight but I know there are millions where those came from. I love the idea of a life list. It makes me want to get up tomorrow and start on it! :)