Book of myself question # 3

This picture is Britt and Timmy! :) My dog nephew!

We had these pets or access to these animals growing up:

Cats:

Chi -- Chi was my first cat offically. He was a white persian who I absolutely hated. He would sit on the back of the toliet while I went to potty and eat my hair. This was not a loving relationship.

Ebony -- We had this cat next and she was black and did not live very long. I really liked her but she got pneumonia and ended up dying quickly.

Tasha: Tasha was my cat from age 5 or so until I was 25 or so. She was a beautiful little calico. She lived a long time and was the best cat ever. I loved her dearly.

Dogs:

Samantha: She was a cocker spaniel that we got when Brittany was a baby and she didn't seem to live long either.

Bull: Bull was a German shepherd that was Brian's dog and he brought it over when his parents moved away. He was a fun dog but had a lot of energy. He lived quite a while

Bart: My favorite dog, we got him when I was in junior high I think and he was the most beautiful Australian Shepherd. He was so much fun and loved me more than any animal has and I loved him right back

After childhood:

When I worked for Richard, he had a cat named Mimi and I was there with her for 4 years and she died right before I left the job. She was a great cat too. A gray tabby!

Brittany's chihuachua is a joy. His name is Timmy and he is blonde like Britt and he is absolutely the best dog ever. He is a very happy and friendly dog.

The book of myself question # 2

As I have mentioned before in the blog, I have been working on a book I grabbed to kind of learn about myself. It was a little journal like book where you answer questions about yourself. Today I am answering question # 2 in the book which is...

SOME of my favorite games, toys, or ways to entertain myself were:

-- My tape recorder -- I had this tape recorder and I have no idea who gave it to me but it was my favorite thing in the world. I would pretend to be a radio dj and have music, jokes, guest appearances from my family members, etc... and it was such a great place for me to escape when I was little.

--My ATV-- My dad gave me an ATV that looked like a 4 wheeler and it was just my size. I named it Evil Kinevil because my initials were EK. I rode that thing constantly and all of my friends loved it too and had such good times on it.

--Atari -- Hilliary and I had an atari when we were little and we would play frogger, fast food, and space invaders. It was a blast!

-- Pogo Ball/Skip it stick -- These were my favorite "active toys" I liked to jump rope and the skip it stick was a stick with a jump rope attached that counted your jumps. The pogo ball is the Saturn looking thing on this post where you put a foot on each side and jumped your life away. I loved these things!

--Books-- These were my ultimate favorite things in the world and really this hasn't changed. I escaped my troubles with books of all kinds when I was growing up. Some of my favorite titles were Charlotte's Web, The Boxcar children, the Babysitters Club series, and several others.

Overall, these were my most important items growing up and the things that entertained me most. I liked this question as it made me really think what made my childhood bearable. I had a rough one but these things made it something I could get through!

I hope that someone takes the challenge and answers these questions for themselves as it makes you think!

Sin City makes closer relationship to Jesus, says the Tabloid

So Anthony and I just back on Monday morning from Vegas for the weekend. We went to celebrate our 6 month married anniversary and God just really used Vegas to teach me some really important lessons. Things have been hard lately to say the very least. Anthony and I have been "trying" to get pregnant and that is the most anxiety ridden adventure I have ever had. In October when we decided that we wanted to start trying, I was so ready, excited, and completely into the idea. Then a few months passed with no "pregnant" on the pee test and I started to get very sad and down.

Well, when we went to Vegas this weekend it was after finding out that we weren't pregnant for the 4th month in a row. It was after I was 2 and 1/2 weeks late and really started to think it had finally happened. I went to Vegas with an agenda! My agenda was to GET OVER IT and stop wanting something so badly that I can not control. It didn't work. It's like when someone tells you not to think of a pink bunny. What are you thinking about right now? A pink bunny right?

All I could think about all weekend was being a mom since I saw numerous parents carrying children through the casinos with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other and thinking "why not me Lord?" What did I do to not deserve a baby and these people think casinos are kid friendly? As you can imagine it was a hard time.

It was the last day and I was going to bed because I am not one of those cool people who can not sleep! God kept me up all night teaching me about myself and showing me areas I can work on. The one that was brought to my attention so much more than the rest was materialism and having to keep up with everyone else. I live in this way so much and I can't blame it on Orange County, California when I was like this in Lawrence County, Indiana!

I am not saying that the reason that God is not giving me a baby is due to my sin life but...I am saying...maybe I would like to take care of this area first. Just a thought for today!

The book of myself starts here

So I picked up a book at Borders the other day called the book of myself. It has been pretty enlightening. I am learning about myself more and more and remembering things that I wasn't sure I even knew. I thought I would put a question a day on here so that I could record some of this on the blog and if you want to answer the questions so I can get to know you, that would be great. Here we go....


Question # 1:

This is how people described me as a child, and how I saw myself:

My mom often says that I never met a stranger and often entertained those around me. I was extremely outgoing and often got along well with adults and people my own age. I always had a large problem with constantly worrying. I was often referred to as "sensitive" and was said to wear my heart on my sleeve. I always had a large desire to be liked and I am and always have been a "people pleaser" I talked all of the time and often felt very self conscious.

I thought I would start to share these things with the blog and see if anyone wants to share with me. I love getting to know myself better and also know others better.

Hope you are all well!

Spread thin but trusting God

Over the past 3-5 years I have been spread thin on a consistent basis. This has been with working, going to grad school, etc... and this is my first year of truly learning to trust God in those times. Today marks 3 months exactly until my graduation day and I am so happy to know that one of my dreams is coming around the bend. I always dreamed of having an education and being able to be good at something. At least I'll finally have the education (joking)

I just took on a second practicum site as well and although I really like the people, the environment, and feel that I will learn so much it adds another dimension to being busy. For each practicum site, you have to have 1 hour of individual supervision or 2 hours of group supervision to every 5 hours that you spend with clients. Add this to 11 hours in class per week and several hours of reading and homework and you have my life in a nutshell. Often my sink has more than a few dishes in it, my mail and paperwork are often organized in stacks, and my DVR is full of tv shows that I would love to watch but just can't get "around to it." My husband and I use every spare minute to reconnect and have a meal together and it's hard to get through that.

Looking forward 3 months and knowing that this schedule is over and something new is beginning makes me feel quite a few emotions. One of them, happy! I am happy that I can focus on my family and my responsibilites at home and not think about the next paper being due or what reading assignment I am procrastinating away from. Another emotion that comes up is sad. I am sad that my life in school is over. I feel incredibly adult and yet feel like I am not ready for the "real world" while I have been living in it for a long time. The major emotional reaction I get is pure anxiety and fear. What comes next?? Who am I without school? What do I do when I am not overachieving in academics?

Anyway, that is what is on my mind today? What's on yours?

Those two harsh words

NOT PREGNANT!

Anthony and I have been trying to start our family for a few months. Although we are not concerned yet about fertility issues, it has been hard every month for me to see these two stinky words: NOT PREGNANT. I wanted to talk openly about this on my blog because I feel like I have always been honest on here and I have hestitated to talk about how deeply this is affecting me because it seems so silly. When I told the Doctor that we wanted to start trying to have a baby she was excited and made sure to tell me that it could take anywhere between 6-12 months for a 28 year old woman. I felt very excited that first month and also quite positive. We started trying in October so that means we have been trying for 3-4 cycles or so. I know that isn't a lot and to be honest, there have been a lot of other things going on as well but something inside me feels inadequate as each month brings those same words on the test, NOT PREGNANT!

Anthony assures me that everything will be fine and that we shouldn't even worry about it and maybe "not trying" would be more affective. I feel like the most useless person no matter what he says. I deeply desire being able to tell him we are pregnant, buying baby stuff, and planning for our little one. Right now, I am so tired of being disappointed and so tired of academia I am completely and utterly over it. On top of everything else, this has been plaguing my heart. I don't want to continue avoiding my blog so I don't have to talk about this. My blog is this safe place for me to express what is going on in my heart without censoring and there I was hiding from it. SO, here I am now admitting that this is the hardest thing for me because I am used to wanting something, going after it, and getting it. God seems to have a different plan this time and I am frustrated and sad.

Also, there is the issue of the family pregnancies that are continuing to be both happy news and sad news for me. Am I horrible because I can't get this out of my head and my desires are over riding my happiness for others? :( I would love feedback but mostly, thanks for reading.

Everything in moderation

Last night Anthony and I had a great date night and it was so peaceful, enjoyable, and romantic. I'll spare you the details of that but I wanted to talk about how we did things different last night. We decided to share our dinner and enjoy a night out without feeling badly about what we ate or how much we paid. We went to Olive garden and shared an appetizer and then got one dinner and shared it as well. It was nice to know that we were eating the same thing, enjoying the same atmosphere, and working together to be healthier and more frugal. It was nice to go out on a date and pay less than $25.00. We hardly ever go out because dining out costs more than our budget allows but we were given a gift card for Christmas that served us well last night.

There were a couple of things that may sound corny but that I learned last night while out with my husband.

1. Food tastes better when you truly appreciate it.

2. Food also tastes better when you don't have to go broke to eat it.

3. Food tastes better when you don't overstuff yourselves

4. Everything is better when I'm with Anthony and relaxed.

Lately I have worked really hard to relax and enjoy every moment of life, and it has been easily the best month of my life. Things are high stress right now but I will not allow it to overtake me and steal precious moments like date night with my husband.

Just like I titled this post, everything in moderation, except for happiness!

Are we done yet?

Anthony and I watched "Are we done yet" with Ice Cube the other night and it was pretty funny and a good moral to the movie. I like family movies because I don't have to think too much or feel awkward due to language or content. I try not to put junk in so junk won't come out. I noticed that the movie made my anxiety come up a little bit because things keep going wrong for the main character but after talking through it myself and noticing, I stopped worrying and started laughing. I think it's so sad that for me it is a process to actually enjoy a movie and not take on the anxiety of the characters. I don't know if this makes any sense or if I sound enormously crazy!

Yesterday I decided to talk to a close friend about the struggles I was having with anxiety. He is a strong man of God and a great friend to me so we talked about my lack of trust for God in most areas of my life. This is something I want so badly is to be completely trusting in God and his power in my life so today I started by just taking the time to pray about things that bother me even slightly. I noticed it first during breakfast. I know that is crazy but I worry so much about my health with diabetes and so I just began to pray about the food going into my body and doing what it should. Most girls worry about calories but I worry about my internal organs.

It's completely overwhelming the problem I have with anxiety so I just started taking it one bite at a time lately. It's been so much easier when I do it that way. Tonight I start back to school and I have two classes and I have some stress and worry. I am determined to let God take these worries and make them his own. Thanks for stopping in! Have a lovely day!

Responsibility

Today I had my own personal therapy and we have been working for a long time on perfectionism since it led to depression in me for so long. When I got married it got entirely worse because I gained yet another responsibility. Today the therapist challenged me to 1. give myself permission to do things that are not responsibilities, 2. decide what is my responsibility and what isn't, and 3. be observant of what I have gotten done instead of what I did not get done, and 4. give myself short term goals only and NOT long term right now.

These are so important to me right now since school starts again this Wednesday. I have a very high anxiety level and school brings out the worst in me. When I get into school I start to look around at everyone else and think that they have it together and I don't. I start to worry about deadlines and responsibilities and feel like a failure if everything isn't perfect and that means I always feel like a failure.

I have decided that this next and last semester of my life, I will not do that to myself. So, in preparation for this week I am going to blog my worries, concerns, etc... and try to chart out using my therapist's suggestions what I really need to be concerned with.

Worries/Anxieties:

1. I can't afford my books until I get my money back from school so I have no books to start school with.

2. I haven't found a second practicum site yet so I have to be ultra busy these first weeks to find a second site.

3. I have to start recording all of my sessions so that I have sessions to choose from for exit.

Those are my biggest worries and anxieties however when I wrote them down I realized they weren't even that big of a deal. Here are the steps I want to take for myself in order to be healthy.

Things I will do that are NOT responsibilites:

1. Practice my guitar

2. Watch movies that I enjoy

3. Read books that I enjoy

4. Work on Christmas gifts for next year. (This is fun for me)

What are my responsibilities for this week:

1. Do practicum hours on Tuesday between 7:30 am and 1:00 pm

2. Do case notes over clients on Tuesday.

3. Attend all classes on Wednesday

4. Attend class on Thursday

5. Attend diabetic education class on Friday

6. Attend supervision hours on Friday

7. Take care of my health daily

8. Care for my marriage daily

9. Research practicum sites and make calls to schedule interviews.

What are NOT my responsibilites for this week:

1. To be perfect with my clients.

2. To have everything in perfect order for classes that start this week.

3. To have a perfectly kept house during the first week of school.

4. To have perfect blood sugar levels when I go to diabetic education.

5. To find a practicum site on the first phone call.

6. To exercise for an hour and half each day and make sure and burn X number of calories.

Short term goals for this week:

1. Call 5-10 practicum sites to seek hours.

2. Attend all scheduled appointments

3. Do something enjoyable for at least an hour a day to relax

As sad as it is, this is what my semester is going to look like due to my natural problem with anxiety and depression. I am fighting this and really trying to focus on perfectionism becoming a thing of the past. I would appreciate any prayers you could throw my way.

Have a lovely week,

--e--

Memory Lane

This is another day of enjoying something from the past. If you are anything like me you had a nice little crush on Dylan McKay and Brandon Walsh and if you are lost right now, you clearly did not watch Beverly Hills 90210. I decided to put on Season One tonight and enjoy Brandon and Brenda's journey from Minnesota from the beginning. It was so funny to see their clothes, hear their insults (In the first episode Kelly calls David a "Dork Meyer," and look at the guys I thought were hot back in the day with their mini-mullets.

I was just thinking how funny it is to know that when I first watched this I lived in Indiana which might as well have been 4 billion miles away from Beverly Hills and now I am no more than 45 minutes away and can relate when they talk about certain streets and now I know people who actually live on the streets they talk about. Crazy! Life sure brings you far in a few years. I would never have dreamed that one day I would see the high school that Brandon Walsh went to (It's in Torrance by the way, not Beverly Hills) or that I would actually know someone who lives on Doheny which is where Steve lived.

Anyway, all of that to say it was nice to take a stroll down memory lane tonight and enjoy some good old 90's memories. Life sure goes fast! My older sister who watched this show religiously during high school is now a wife and soon to be mommy. I am feeling nostalgic tonight I guess. I hope I haven't bored you!

Then she found me

Ok, so one of my main Jewish loves is Bette Midler. I love her in everything she is in and one of my goals is to see her show in Vegas. I watched a movie today called "Then she found me" with Bette Midler, Helen Hunt, Matthew Broderick, and Colin Firth. It was really good. It had a great story line and it was really moving. The main themes were marriage, divorce, love, adoption, and reuniting. I liked it a lot!

My favorite character in the movie was Frank played by Colin Firth. First of all, Colin Firth has such a great accent and he is funny in a really quirky way! This movie is no exception. I am enjoying my movie viewing lately and today's movie was really good!

Check it out if you love Bette and a good story!

--e--

Tall, Dark, and handsome

That's my batman! Tonight Anthony and I decided to watch one of our Christmas gifts, "The Dark Knight." Anthony's brother David got us the dvd for Christmas and this is the first time we have gotten around to watching it. It was stinkin amazing. I should note that my husband loves these kinds of movies and I love batman so there we have a match made in heaven. Here are my thoughts on the dark knight.

First of all, it was so sad to see such brillance in the joker and think about Heath Ledger no longer being able to portray him. I think that Christian Bale is a magnificent Batman although I have to admit that Michael Keaton will always be batman to me. I also love that they chose Michael Caine to portray Alfred Pennyworth. I have loved Michael Caine in so many films and he was a perfect Alfred.

There are so many great choices that they made for this movie and Batman's toys are completely amazing. I wanted to drive that batman motorcyle thing the minute it came out of the main batmobile. It was just the best movie I have seen for a long time. I would love to hear what everyone else thinks about it! I admit that it was very dark and sometimes a bit scary but again, great film.

The movie quest

I have always really liked watching movies but I never made the time to do so. I enjoy all types of movies...well except for kung fu movies and I decided it was high time that I did more things that I enjoy so I have started watching movies. I went online and looked through the top movies since 1960 and I have quite the list of movies that I want to see. Then there are of course the list of movies that are guilty pleasures that I just want to see because I am female and enjoy sappy stories and funny characters. My favorite movies are southern movies like Steel Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes, Forrest Gump, Driving Miss Daisy, etc...

I like a story. I like a well developed story with well developed characters. I like drama, passion, quirky characters, and not too fancy graphics. My husband is the exact opposite. He likes superhero movies with great graphics. I like a movie that makes me think. I like a movie that can make me smile, laugh hard, cry, feel overwhelmed, nervous, and makes me think about it for nights and nights later. I like a movie that I can analyze about whether it is for children or not. I like a movie that makes me look at the relationships and marriage and observe patterns.

I just really enjoy cuddling up on my comfy couch these days and taking in a flick. Today, I decided to watch a movie that came out in 2006 starring Heather Graham as Gray Baldwin, Bridget Moynahan as Charlie Kelsey, and Thomas Cavanaugh as Sam Baldwin. The reason I wanted to see it was that Heather Graham plays a really quirky character who likes things a certain way and I am kind of like that. I have differences with the character for certain. If you know the story, there is one obvious difference but I enjoyed the movie nonetheless.

I also love Molly Shannon's humor and she is in this movie as well as a really off beat character. I just love her! There are a lot of really great moments in this movie. I would not recommend it if you are uncomfortable with homosexuality at all. It has a bit of inappropriate content so it's not appropriate for children. I really enjoyed the movie although it is not one you just HAVE to see!

The facts of life.

If you are anywhere near my age you probably remember a little show called "The Facts of Life." Lately I have been using one of my favorite things, my netflix account, to watch old episodes of the Facts of Life. It's been enlightening as I did not remember that so many deep issues were discussed on the show. I just watched the one where Blair found out there her grandfather, who she loved and admired, was a member of the Ku Klux Klan. It has really amazed me to find that this show that I thought was mindless and fun when I was little was actually teaching amazing lessons. I am enjoying my stroll down memory lane. I wish tv were this good still!

So, as a smooth transition, I have truly been learning the facts of life lately. There is a part of me that believes that I have never truly known what life was about until about 3-4 months ago. Anthony and I embarked on a new adventure pretty soon after we got married when we started discussing having a family. Anthony and I never really do anything without thinking, praying, and talking the heck out of things. We have really talked about our desires for a family, our ideals for raising that family, and how we will have the best marriage we can have through steps of growth and work.

As I made my 2009 "resolutions" I really thought about this goal and how powerful it is to have a good marriage these days. It's disturbing to see how many people take marriage so lightly and just want to have that day where they wear a big dress and look pretty just to have an ugly marriage. I have really made a concerted effort lately to connect fully with Anthony each day and I got to tell you, it has been so powerful. I have enjoyed every single minute of those connections no matter what we are doing. Last night we played quite a few games of Scene it and we had such a good time just being competitive and eating popcorn and discussing great movies that we both enjoy. The facts of life are these:

1. Being married is absolutely fantastic if you take the time to really connect with your spouse!

2. Being married is really hard work and requires actual awareness of what you are doing each day. It sounds lame but you have to think about what you are doing or you will forget to just BE in the marriage and forget about the meaningless details of life.

3. Loving your family is the most important thing in life and everything else is simply details and doesn't deserve the attention we usually give it. Yes, things are important like cleaning the house, doing well at your job, and being healthy in your body but being successful, healthy, and hygienic is only valuable when those you love are near and happy!

So to sum up this post..

sing it with me...

You take the good
You take the bad
You take them both
And there you have
The facts of life
The Facts of life

There's a time you gotta go
And show you're growing
Now you know about the
Facts of life
The Facts of life

When the world never seems
To be living
Up to your dreams
Suddenly your finding out
The facts of life are all about You
You.....

Have a lovely day everyone and I hope that you value your family above all else! :)

Perfectionism defined

In my quest to stop being a perfectionist, I decided to look up the actual definition of perfectionism and I was astounded at the definitions. Here are the various ones I found:

• a disposition to feel that anything less than perfect is unacceptable
  
• a person who is displeased by anything that does not meet very high standards
  
• The belief that a person can attain a state of sinlesslessness
  

These are so disturbing to me especially the last one being that with this belief, I don't need God. I obviously believe with all my heart that there is no way I could attain a state of sinlessness and God is the only way that I can even begin to be anything less than yucky! (Yes, yucky is an acceptable academic word) Upon reading this, I became not just tired of my ideas of perfectionism but absolutely disgusted by my attempts to take the place of a God who came to Earth for me as a human and took my place. I am DONE with perfectionism!

--e--

Rachel, my new friend.

So this year is going to be all about doing the things I love and being honest about them. Sometimes I don't do all the things I love because I try to do too much that I don't love. Well, I love to cook! I have been watching Rachel Ray pretty religiously for a few months and her recipes are always winners in my house. Tonight I am making something called a Ham & Cheese Strata. It's a recipe that Rachel showed using leftover ham and we have quite a bit of that from our New Years Dinner. If you want to check out what is in this little beauty than check out Ham & Cheese Strata on Rach's Website

I am working very hard on doing things I love and taking in each experience as I have them. I love cooking for my husband and other loved ones and seeing them smile and say "MMMM" That is very powerful for me and gives me what I need in my day. Well, I am off to clean my house. There are plenty of Christmas Decorations to be stored, dishes to be washed, and laundry to be sorted. I pray that you have a gorgeous January 2nd and that you do things that you love!

--e--

2009 My favorite year so far!

Hey everyone, I pray that your new year brings you many happy memories and joyous occasions. I titled this post my favorite year ever because I am determined to make it my favorite year no matter what happens. I am trying to learn how to roll with life and find peace and happiness in all things I do. Ever since I started graduate school I have really struggled with my own depression which I fully believe stems from a very unrealistic expectation level and perfectionism that is crippling. I am determined to give that up in 2009. I have been working really hard in my own therapy this year to try to eradicate that part of me that requires me to be perfect or to feel depressed. I refuse to live the rest of my life with that pain. Especially now that I am happily married and moving on toward goals and dreams that are powerful in my life.

I always write my annual resolution post and up to this year, it has been very indicative of my perfectionism and I always fall short and feel horrible so this year I am going to do something different. I am only going to write resolutions for things that are going to better me toward stopping this perfectionism stuff. Here are my resolutions for 2009:

1. Start each day with God; no rules...just seek HIM FIRST!

2. Do something each day that I truly enjoy (Options are endless; reading, puzzles, Wii, dancing, singing, playing guitar, sex (tee hee), scrapbooking, etc...)

3. Connect with my husband in some way each day and let nothing else distract me (no cell phone on, no computer, etc..)

4. Stop procrastinating so that things can be perfect and just do them and take my best as the best that can be.

5. Take care of myself first, my husband second, and everyone else after.

That's it, my five resolutions for the year.

Happy New Year to you!

--Erica--

Lucky

A long time ago I read a really awesome book called "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold. I literally read the whole book on one flight to Indiana so you can imagine that it was a pretty good read. It was heartbreaking but written in such a way that you couldn't stop reading it. First of all, I suggest that book but Alice also wrote a true story about her own life that I am really enjoying right now called "Lucky." Again, it's very hard to read but also very good writing. I also just spotted another fiction book of hers in borders so that is one of my goals for the holiday to buy that and read it. I should note that if you have been sexually victimized, Lucky is either exactly for you or not advised to read based on your own sensitivity.

A little bit more of Harry

I am a huge Harry Potter Fan and read every single book over and over and J.K. Rowling just came out with a new book called "The Tales of Beedle the Bard" and it was a book that was actually mentioned in the Harry Potter Series. This was a really cute fun easy read and let me have just a few more minutes with Harry!

On the bandwagon....

Well, I have done it. I got on the bandwagon and started reading the Twilight series. I am currently through the first two books. I am so far loving them! Let me just say I normally do NOT get into the Vampire type stories. I tried to watch Buffy and I just couldn't do it but I had to read this series because I heard that the writing was so good. I am here to confirm, it is good! :)