Friday, June 10, 2005

I'm looking forward to it!

Today I was reading again in the scriptures and came across a rather popular verse in Phillipians 3:13 that says...

"Brothers, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead,"

This is great advice on how to live life. I have been a person who has literally grown up and matured (and I use the term loosely) continuing to look back. I have spent most of my life looking backwards at the horrible past that I have and it has made me think I can't have a great future. I have done in this almost every area of my life. I think that since my whole family is overweight and I have always struggled with it...I have to always be overweight and struggle with it. I think that since my family has never gotten a masters degree that I can't get a masters degree. I think that since everyone in my family is either single or divorced...I will have to be either single or divorced. This is the saddest realization to come to.

It seems I am always looking the wrong way. I always look to the future when looking at my accomplishments and I feel overwhelmed by my own dreams and goals. I always look to the past when I think about my dreams and goals in the sense of whether I can do them or not. I need to start looking in the right direction. I am going to start looking forward when it comes to my life. I need to stop looking back at the past and comparing myself with my family. I am a different person with a different sense of drive and motivation.

This verse helped me to get some perspective on my first boulder today. As you all know, I am working through 3 distinct boulders in my life in order to reach my goals, find my dreams, and most importantly please the Lord and become mentally healthy. I wanted to go ahead and update you all on these boulders and confess a little bit as to how things are going.

I am working really hard on accepting my family and understanding what I am capable of. I have been working all week on Grad School and Gre preparations. In order to pray, I am taking my GRE probably at the end of September and I am taking the GRE subject test in Psychology on November 12th. Instead of hexing myself and not preparing, I am spending the next several months working on these tests and going into the test fully prepared and realizing that I could be the first person in my family to do great on the GRE! Actually I will be the first to even take it. I am feeling really excited about grad school and should be working on applications throughout the rest of the year. My first application is due in January and I think the last is due in April. I have picked out 7 schools so far that I would like to apply to. Please pray about God taking me in the right direction as well as financial provision for the GRE and application fees to graduate programs.

Secondly I have been working on my attention issue by spending more time alone and realizing that people have different love languages than my own. I am really missing some people in my life and I feel neglected by them. I know that isn't the case because they are just busy and have a lot of stuff going on but it hurts me so much. I have to really look into those feelings and figure out why it bothers me to not hear from people in my life for a week or so. I am frustrated with myself for getting scared and emotional and thinking that these people don't love me or have abandoned me or love others more than me. It's so hard for me to understand and I need so much and I have to figure out why I need so much.

Lastly, I am really struggling with my eating/health/weight issue right now. The only day I took my shots this week was Monday and I only took one of the two. I am very frustrated with myself as I am back to binging on a normal basis. Lately it has been Krispy Kreme donuts and tacos from Taco Bell or Del Taco. I have been eating these items really late at night and that isn't good for me. I am putting a lot of extra calories in my body and overall, haven't exercised in months. If I don't get it together, I am going to gain a whole lot of weight back and make myself sick again. Sometimes I wonder if this is an area that connects to attention as well. I mean, the weight gets me attention..even if it's bad attention. Also, sickness gets me attention although not good attention. It's so hard to understand why I just don't pick up the syringe and take the shot and why I can't just stop eating. I wish I understood and these are things I want to be working on. To start with on Monday I am going to start back up with my exercise plan and possibly recording what I eat or something regarding my diet. I am really worried about my behavior. The good thing that I need to report this week in this boulder is...I actually called the doctor and made an appointment to talk more about diabetes on July 5th. Please pray for this appointment.

On Monday I would also like to start recording my blood sugars and possibly my intake of insulin so I can see what the real trend is in my blood sugars. I am nervous about the precise dose of insulin I need and feel frustrated with the whole process. Please keep me in prayer as I know I am putting myself in danger but can't seem to get a handle on the facts. I appreciate all of your prayers and concern and mostly your care through this hard time. I love you all dearly and I hope to hear from you all soon!


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