Sunday, June 19, 2005

Things that are good about me????

Yesterday was a therapy session for me and as always, it was very good for me. We discussed a lot of things centered around my self-worth. I have been struggling about the GRE and Grad School in general just thinking I am not good enough to go or to get a great score. I don't know what would tell me this as all of the evidence of my past work would say that I am going to do very well. Another area I have been having a hard time with is marriage. I fear that I am not able to have a happy marriage with a man I adore. I am so scared that my choices will be to have a marriage with a guy I tolerate and/or be single. I am the kind of girl who would NEVER get married to someone I don't adore so it's kind of hard for me to think about being single for life.

Another area to think about is friendships. Sometimes I don't think I am worth the best friends in the world. I think I have to put up with abuse from their hands and/or using me to keep them. I think I have to entertain them, be there for them, and sacrifice my own time and efforts at their expense to keep a good friend. Why can't I just see the worth that I have and that God sees? I want to grow to love me more and realize what I am worth and settle for nothing less. Often times I crave attention and it gets completely out of hand and I lose my trust in God to run to someone who isn't worth my time. It's scary and hopelessly out of control.

My therapist felt I really needed to do an exercise to see myself. She told me to make a list of things I like about myself. She also said to immediately write the thought that counteracts that good thing. For example if someone said they had a great body and then their mind said "Except you have big hips!" that would be the process. I wanted to share this with my blog as this is journey of self-discovery anyway and I thought you would enjoy it. Have a great time reading the inner thoughts of my distorted mind. I have decided not to put a number on it but rather just do them as they come to me.

1. I have a great sense of humor --- sometimes my humor is inappropriate.
2. I do well in school -- I just work really hard and I am not naturally intelligent.
3. I am very organized -- I procrastinate entirely too much.
4. I am strong emotionally -- I have had to be since I have suffered so much.

ok that is all I have for today. This is a depressing task as you realize that you shoot down any and all traits that are good about you. Please write me if you have anything to add to this little problem I have. Have a great Sunday everyone and God bless you all!


No comments: