Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Trust and why I can't!

Last night I was having a very difficult night. I was in a state of complete grief and it was about a number of things. I was hurting because I feel like this weight loss battle will NEVER get over, I will never meet the man I am supposed to marry, and perhaps that God has just gotten fed up with my chaos and has decided to let me just be sad and not really do any healing. I should note here that I feel that would be very fair of God to do that to me because I have really messed my life up. I have made decisions that I knew were wrong and that I knew would damage me and I really do deserve to live my life alone with 75 cats. Don't we all deserve that?!

I know that I didn't deserve my salvation and I don't deserve HIS constant interacation in my daily life and I certainly don't deserve how he always provides for EVERYTHING I need. I know that I am just thinking in a self-destructive manner and it's harmful to me and to others as they come into my life. Last night I was literally having such a hard time and I exhausted everything I knew to do biblically. I started by praying and just telling God that my heart was troubled and that I was feeling lonely and depressed. I was weeping before him and decided I should journal a bit. I journaled all of my crazy thoughts and then counter acted each one of them by looking into scripture at what is truth and what goes against my initial thoughts. I did that and it brought some peace.

All of the sudden I decided to call my friend Jason because it was his birthday and I wanted to say Happy Birthday as well as see how his day went. Jason has the ability to get things out of me in the weirdest ways. I began to tell him how I was feeling until I was weeping again. He really spoke truth into my life by simply telling me to look in the mirror and see what he and God saw. He also told me I need to forgive myself since God so freely does! I then got off the phone and cried into my pillow asking God to help me forgive ME! I am working on it today and realizing that God DOES have a plan for my life and wants to strengthen me, establish me, heal me, and provide a hope and a future. I hope you can cling to these truths today also. Forgive yourselves..because God clearly does! I love you all and hope you have a great grace filled day!


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