Thursday, June 02, 2005

no excuses, weight joke or profound life lesson?

Not too many years back I was a junior high kid. I went to the local department store (Wal-mart and the such) and purchased jeans from the juniors department that were a little bigger because I have always had a big rear-end. (I knew you all needed to know that) Before you ask, yes, I actually shopped at Wal-mart at one point in my life. I really didn't care where my jeans came from because back really didn't matter. That is beside the point. There was a brand of jeans, and other clothes I am sure, called No Excuses. I don't know if it was spelled correctly or not but again, beside the point. I wonder now, was "no excuses" meaning there is no excuse to have a butt that big or was it some profound life lesson to be learned. Today, I am learning the life lesson.

Today I thought about my life and the way I usually work things and that phrase, no excuses, came to mind. I was thinking about my fears and how I usually really allow my fears to win. My biggest fear at the current moment is that I won't be accepted into the graduate school program that I really want to go to. This idea makes me so sad and really makes me think about not even applying. This is why I say I allow my fears to win at times. I also think about maybe not working very hard on my application so that when I don't get accepted I can just shrug my shoulders and say "Well, I really didn't work that hard on it!" and then it won't feel like failure. My fear is working very hard on the application, putting effort into it, and not getting in. I fear rejection in the worst way.

I decided today that I have to use the phrase "no excuses" to get me through the hardest times of my life, which seem to be right now. I have to use that phrase when I apply to grad school. Next week (monday to be exact) I am going to start working on grad school. I am going to look into all of my options and start to work on applications and application additions like curriculum vitas and the such. I am very nervous about the application process and knowing which grad school to get into and which program to choose but I know this, God is with me and there is going to be no excuse because I am going to put 110% into these applications. I will not hex myself by not working hard on the things I want to do with my life.

I am also starting monday on my GRE preparations. For those of you who are not aware, the GRE is the Graduate Records Examination which is given to schools in which you want to attend Graduate School in order to make the decision. This is an important test in the sense that SOME schools use it to make a decision about your admission or lack thereof. In the same sense, I should note that my # 1 school does not require it. My first step in getting this underway is to look into when the test is being offered in the next year. I have one year before applying to grad school and this is a great time to get started. I would like to be a grad student in Fall 2006. The next step to this process is to buy a preparation book and start studying for this exam. This is a very hard task for me because I tend to not do well on standarized testing. My SATs were mediocre and my ACT was above average but I felt like it was hell to take it. I don't test well under the standarized testing umbrella.

Normally I would use this as an excuse but there are a few factors to consider when I make this generalization. The last standarized test I took was when I was 17 years old and completely and utterly irresponsible and lazy. I took the test with no sleep the night before and completely wasn't prepared in any way. I had not taken any practice tests or even considered studying and that was the ACT. You can see how I hexed myself into doing mediocre so that I didn't risk actual failure. These are not good patterns to see in yourself.

I am now 24 years old and completely in love with my major. I am passionate about psychology and I want to do it for the rest of my life. I can't do this without a masters in clinical psychology. I can't get an MFT without that masters and I surely can't get a PhD without the Masters! I really have a passion to do therapy as well as possibly teach collegiate level cognitive psychology...possibly at my favorite school on Earth..Vanguard University! I also have a passion to work with young women with eating disorders and coach them into healing. I also want to write psychological literature and work within the Dr. Phil Foundation for kids who are in bad situations and want to become something. I have such amazing dreams and I believe that I can do them. I can't live in the excuse bubble anymore. I am a very smart woman with amazing support and the possibilities are truly endless. I am going to live the next year of my life thinking NO EXCUSES!

Please join with me in prayer on this mission of getting my Grad School applications finished, turned in, and to 110%. Also please pray that I can take the GRE and do well on it and prove myself to be a great tester with the right preparation. I know that God has equipped me with the tools, if I stop making excuses! Have a great day ya'll and I love you dearly!


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