Thursday, June 16, 2005

My eyes are green for a reason

Today I decided to confess a sin of mine to all of you so that I can get it out in more than one way. I prayed this morning about this specific sin/hurt/problem and it really captivated me and made me realize that it's something I have to get rid of. The title of today's blog is "My eyes are green for a reason" because well my eyes ARE green and green is a color often associated with envy and jealousy. I am having a hard time with this and have for my entire life. I can put a little sense into it right now for you and I will. I will also tell you what kinds of things I am jealous and envious of.

It all probably started with the fact that I have a horrible family life. I would go to school each day and was happy to do so because no one screamed at me, hit me, or degraded me at school. I made friends very easily because of my humor and natural social abilities, however, I was always envious and jealous because my friends looked like they had better lives than me. I was living the perfect life in front of them. I rode to school each day in a limosuine because my grandpa insisted. We had enough clothes, food, etc...because my grandparents had money. I looked like a well-adjusted child because I was happy and laughed all the time while maintaining a great academic record. What could be wrong?

Every person I came in contact with was my enemy because they had the home life I wanted...or so I thought! Later on it was an issue of weight as well. As I started to gain weight and eventually reached about 350 lbs...I hated any girl that was under 200 lbs. I begin to hate anyone who didn't have the exact problems I did. I then decided I would get into things that weren't good for me because they brought me worth. I felt good when I did them and they made me forget what I didn't have.

Things haven't changed much since I have become an adult. At age 21, I had my wedding cancelled the day before it. Since then I have been jealous and envious of anyone who has a wedding. I don't care if they married the biggest loser of all times, at least they had their dream wedding. I know it doesn't make sense, I am just being honest. I am jealous of every woman in my life and those who aren't even in my life because they can get the attention of a man I love and not me. I am jealous of my friends who have normal bodies, normal lives, and better home lives. I am jealous of people who don't have to work themselves out of debt beyond their control. I am jealous of people who have parents they can run to when they are in trouble.

Just recently I realized that I HAVE to deal with this jealousy. It's hindering my sucess in life because I think, "oh well..I'll never be as good as her." My dreams get overshadowed by other people when my dreams are just that...MINE. I love the thought of being a therapist and a good one at that but something in me makes me jealous of everyone else and their dreams and the way they can get to theirs without dealing with all of this baggage. I don't understand what God's purpose is in all of these struggles but I need to start trusting that I can find purpose in it and grow. I know that I am a great person and there is probably someone out there..who is envious of me and all that I have and accomplished. I need to get some perspective.

Thank you for listening to my confession today and please pray that with GOd's help, I can grow to understand and get this sin out of my life. Thanks everyone and God bless you all!


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