Wednesday, June 15, 2005

The machine won't take my dollar

Have you ever walked up to a soda machine just dying of thirst and you pull the only dollar you have out of your wallet only to find it's all crinkled? I sure have. You stand there waiting for your beloved bottled water and working hard to get the dollar to stop being all folded and messed up. You try everything, put it in every way and even slide it along the machines side to crispen it up. Nothing works, you walk away from the machine as thirsty as you came and your dollar is no longer worth a dollar...but worth nothing to you!

Today I have been feeling like this poor little dollar. Let me illustrate. I was thinking about how the dollar really is worth 1 US dollar, however, if you don't go the right place, it's worth nothing. It isn't worth anything to this machine because the machine can't accept it the way it is. That's exactly what God is showing me about people in my life who aren't accepting of who I am. I was really grieved yesterday and thinking about how my life will probably consist of singleness for a while or maybe forever. It really got me down and had me thinking about how sad it is that people out there wouldn't be able to accept who I am and not be intimated or scared of what I bring to the table.

I know that I have worth, just like the dollar but it's the same story. There are certain people who can't really accept me therefore I have no worth to them. I know that I really shouldn't worry about this knowing that I am a child of God and that he provides for me and will bring the man that is supposed to be in my life but I fear the very worst. I fear that I will have to be someone I am not to get him, change who I am to keep him, or stifle the amazing passions and goals I have to make him feel better or stronger than he is. I am saddened by this not because I am going to do it but rather because I won't and that could mean a lot of waiting for me.

I have talked to a few friends about this and their responses were similar. God has something amazing for me and I just need to wait, I need to start looking at more confident and healthy men, etc... I know all this but it doesn't stop me from feeling crinkled and worthless. I really can't wait until that person comes and I am worth what I am again. That dollar is worth a dollar in the store and you can get your bottled water, which is great! Someday, my store will come. Until then, please pray for me!


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