Monday, April 18, 2005

Does it matter?

Happy Monday everyone and I hope you have a great new week! I am starting mine right in thinking long and hard about life. This morning in my prayer time I started to ponder what really matters. This is a hard question and one I view to be very personal. I think everyone has things that they care about and they should really look into themselves to find out what those things are. This morning I was trying to get there in prayer where I could figure out what I care about. I thought and prayed long and hard and came up with relationships, family, and health. These encompass a lot of different aspects of course but that's what it comes down to.

My relationships in life haven't ever been really good. This includes relationships with friends and romantic endeavors. I know that this is due to my extreme dislike of myself in the past and my issues with control. I am very confident in the fact that lately my relationships have changed. I have started to really hear other people talk and be available to them in a new way. I have also started to replace my old controlling behaviors with boundaries that make me more comfortable. I think overall I am now living like relationships mean something to me when before I only said they did.

Family is a different aspect all together because a lot of the things that I grieve in my family, I can't really control. I have had to really allow myself to just let go of some of my family situations. A great example is my relationship with my father. I know that I have mentioned this before but my dad and I really didn't start getting to know each other until I turned 21. At which point, I have pushed for the relationship but he just isn't pushing for it. I have had to really let go and just pray about it and grieve the fact that I will never have the relationship I would have wanted with him. It's too late!

Now about health. Health is so multi-faceted in that I mean physical health, spiritual health, emotional health, and mental health. My physical health has been of prime importance lately as I battle an eating disorder. I have started to eat 3 meals a day with a snack or two and be very healthy in my relationship with food. I have also seen the phyisican to get rid of my kidney infection and I am going through my antibiotics now. I also am getting blood work done tomorrow regarding my diabetes and what damage it has currently done. I am very anxious about these if you could pray for me. I lost 6 lbs this week just due to the infection leaving and getting these binges out of my life. I am so happy about that. I am working on getting to a healthy weight for certain.

Spiritual health is very important to me as it's the basis of my life. It incorporates all the many things that I do and makes them into a whole of depending on God. I will not say I am doing perfectly at prayer, Bible Study, Church attendance, etc...but I am sincerely relying fully on God right now for my strength. I love being in this place of complete dependence upon Him.

Emotional health and mental health go hand in hand and this is where my heart lies. You all know that I am going to be a family/marriage therapist and for me to do that...I have to get my head on straight. I have to sort through my own stuff and be happy in my own skin. I am working on that day by day!

Overall, these are the things that matter to me. Most of all, you ALL matter to me! Have a great week everyone!

Learning April 18, 2005:

1. Your greatest support in life is so unlikely.

2. Friends are priceless and I love my friends!

3. Mondays are good because they go fast at work.

4. I have really learned some stuff at work

5. I love a salad with walnuts in it!

Thankfulness April 18, 2005:

I am thankful for learning new things about me. I am thankful for being acknowledged when I need to be acknowledged. I am thankful for friends who ask me about my eating disorder because they care. I am thankful for people who are rooting for me through this battle. I am thankful for control that God has and I don't have to!


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