Saturday, April 16, 2005

Pray without ceasing.

Happy Saturday everyone. Today is weigh in day and after a gain up to 242 lbs last week, I am back down to 236 lbs this morning. It is good to be alive today because I have been making so many changes and doing so many things for me that I am feeling very healthy. Most of you know, if you have kept up on the blog, that I joined Overeaters Anonymous last week. Actually tomorrow will be a week of clean living so to speak. Anyway, today I thought I would go over the fact that I am doing the first 2 steps. I have had several people on the internet stop into my blog and write me an email telling me how helpful it was to them and if I can help someone with the same pain that I endure, I will do that.

First I will talk about the first step that led me into the doors of OA. The first step in the OA program is "We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable." There is no doubt that I knew that a week ago when I walked into the first meeting. I had realized that when it came to food, I could not say no to any craving. I gave into any feeling that I had and ate it away instead of feeling it. When I had voiced my pain to others, they had said, "You just need some will power." and "Just practice some self control." I thought there had to be something wrong with me because I could not use that advice.

My normal day was ok. I would eat a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I would get off of work at about 8:00 and head to the gym for a workout. I would exercise more than any human really should and then follow it up with a huge Jack in the box binge. I would fall into bed with way more sugar pulsing through my body than any diabetic should have and numb myself from feeling lonliness, rejection, abandonment, pain, and boredom. I knew this wasn't normal behavior but I sure couldn't stop it. Hence I am powerless over food and my life had become unmanageable.

The 2nd step in OA is "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Now they don't tell you this but in order to do this step, you have to really accept that what you are doing is insane. I have finally accepted that and started to really believe that God is the ONLY one who can take this disease and make me a productive, healthy individual. The insanity in my situation is the fact that I have diabetes and could die from this behavior but I wanted the food more. It's sad and insane if you ask me.

This step has been interesting and I have really been in prayer every day since this step I have taken. I have acknowledged that without God's help, this is truly impossible. I rest in that though because his success record is so much greater than mine. Overall, I fully believe I am engaged into these two steps and I am more than excited about what this healing will mean to me.

Tonight is a big night as Joel and I are finally getting a chance to celebrate his birthday together. For those of you who know what I did for his birthday, you know how important this is. I am giving him the gift that I have shared with very few and taking him out to dinner at 21 Oceanfront out of Newport Beach. It's going to be just excellent and we get a chance to dress up and go out. I also love that we just get time together. I love him so much and I get excited at any chance to bless his life. Please pray for our time tonight that he really understands the gift I got him and that it melts his heart. I only wish for him to feel loved from it.

Well, I should close the post as I have to do about a million things before tonight so I hope you are all having a great weekend and thank you for stopping in and reading about my heart and struggles. I would appreciate prayers as God is healing me day by day. Please also pray because I am going back to the gym next week. I sat out this whole week to get accustomed to my lifestyle of living clean. I am nervous of how this will affect my plan. I am just going to rely on God with this one.

Learning April 16, 2005:

1. It's not as hard today as I thought it would be. (Adolfo is 26 today)

2. I hate when I seem overwhelmed with things to do.

3. Going to the gym scares me right now.

4. It feels good to lose weight when I know I am doing it the right way.

5. My friends are much more supportive than I ever thought about this OA thing.

Thankfulness April 16, 2005:

I am thankful that I get to take my boy out for dinner tonight. I am thankful that I finally get to give him this amazing present I have been working on. I am thankful that I am starting on Britt's graduation present this weekend. I am thankful that I am getting to go home and see her graduate. I am thankful that God is always with me and I don't have to do this alone.

~Mosoltov~

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