Thursday, April 21, 2005

Old friends stir old memories

Good morning everyone and welcome to the wacky world of Erica. I am sure as you read the blog, you feel as if you are on a rollercoaster to nowhere. I do too, don't worry. Today is an interesting morning for me. First of all, I am entirely exhausted from the battle which is my life. This morning a battle started in my mind and it continues to wage warfare in every possible way. Chris and I were having breakfast this morning and just talking over our bad hair and sleep filled eyes. He said, "Erica I have to tell you something that Chance said about you." Chance is a friend (12 years old) of Christopher's. I immediately knew what it was that Chance had said about me and dreaded hearing Chris say it out loud. I asked Chris why he felt I needed to know and he said, "Because he said you were fat!" I didn't want to hear that and hearing it made me wince in pain. I again calmly asked Chris why he wanted me to know that. Chris then told me how he told Chance that I was great and cool and he didn't want him to make fun of me. You can imagine how great it felt to know that Chris was that brave and loves me that much. Something within me though still hated the fact I was the object of his friend's taunting and that Chris paid the price for it. I was in pain and I couldn't show Chris for lack of him learning a lesson here. I responded by letting him know how proud I was of his standing up for me. I tried to explain how ignorant people can be and that Chance doesn't know me so therefore he judges me by my outward appearance. Inside I was dying!

This pain is something I can't explain unless you have experienced this. It's hard to stomach that the world has you under a bigger microscope than you do. Lately I have been going through this OA situation and today I am 12 days "clean." I am proud of myself and I have to remember that this is about me! I have to stop making it about the world and how they see me. I am not beating this eating disorder to get skinny. I am not losing weight to please men, women, and children. I am not working out to lose calories, I am doing this for my health and for my satisfaction when I look in the mirror. As much as I am someone who gives to my friends and family constantly, I need to stop and just think about me. I am aware that some people would think that is a bad thing but I am not here to please them, I am here to get better.

Today if you are reading this, take the time to think about the person that you are putting judgmental attitudes on. It hurts everyone involved. It is ignorance to the largest degree. I sit today in extreme pain in my heart for a 12 year old's opinion of me. How sad but how true. Have a great day everyone and prayers would be appreciated!

Learning April 21, 2005:

1. Even a child can hurt your feelings if you are living in a hard place.

2. It feels really good to have people stand up for your honor, especially when they are a child you are raising.

3. Old friends are great. I spoke to my old friend Luke last night and it was pleasant to hear his voice.

4. There are really sick people in the world who hurt others. (heard a sad story today)

5. It's amazing the way I think about how people should be punished who hurt children.

Thankfulness April 21, 2005:

I am thankful for a great talk with Luke last night. I am also thankful that I heard from my favorite boy. I am thankful that Terrence and I were able to talk briefly yesterday. I am thankful for talking to Josh and Brooke also. It was so nice to have friends and support when I SO need it. Also, please pray for my friend Brooke who is taking her Dental boards this weekend!

Much love to you all~


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