Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Just writing for release

Hey everyone and Happy Hump day to you! I hate Wednesdays usually because they seem to last forever and they don't lead to Friday the way that Thursdays do. I just wanted to have a place to express my thoughts this morning. I woke up this morning just starving because I am learning how to eat like a normal person. To keep accountable, yesterday I had the following:


2 scrambled eggs
1 slice toast with Margarine
1 glass water


Lettuce wraps with Chicken and rice noodles (really good)


2 pork chops w/ shake and bake
1/2 cup mashed potatoes
1/2 cup green beans


1 package heart to heart oatmeal

Yeah! No binging! I am so proud of myself. Feelings are a huge part of why I overeat. I eat when I am worried, scared, sad, lonely, extremely happy etc. I have to learn how to stop eating and start feeling. I am so scared of my own feelings that I forget to let myself have them. Yesterday I experienced three extreme moments of feeling yesterday that could have led to a binge but didn't. The first one was at work during the day. I have a horrible time if I ever feel left out of something. I have found out recently that I have a very unhealthy thought life and seriously misconstrue a lot of what happens in my day to day life.

Yesterday I took something my co-workers did as leaving me out and immediately felt weak and unwanted. It wasn't a big deal and the more I thought about it the more it ate me up inside. The trick for me is to talk it out and realize how unimportant it really is. It comes out that I really don't think my co-workers were trying to leave me out but rather protect and love me. That was a hard thing for me as I realize I hate feeling weak!

The next thing that really affected me was anxiety. Anxiety is a hard one for me. I experience anxiety for a lot of different things. Yesterday it was a financial issue. I have only had one job for a while because I got laid off in December but I just now got a second job. This is good news because I am having a hard time meeting my bills. My car payment has been late and they called yesterday to inquire about it. It always really hurts me to try to negotiate financial things when I am stressed. They called me 8 times while I was at work and before I knew it, I was anxious.

The last feeling was fear. Fear has captivated my life for almost every day. I have a family situation that I can't control in that my family is in danger. I am very sad and scared at the possibilities that this introduces and it made me afraid. For the first time in a long time, I didn't deal with this by eating my way out of it but rather prayed, talked with friends, reached out for support and found things to do besides eat. God is healing me!!!!

Anyway, just wanted to take some time to release some unwanted feelings today and just over state the fact that healing is in the process. Keep praying please and tune in for my real blog today!


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