Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Divorce continued...

Hey everyone. I just got back from my walk at Balboa and man is God teaching me so much and how many of you know..that's painful?! Tonight I experienced what some would call disappointment. Now normal people can take disappointment and move on. I realized tonight that I don't know how to take disappointment. I have no idea how to have life work any way but FOR me. If something happens and it doesn't fit into my schema of what I wanted or desired, than I get angry, hurt, mad, sad, disgruntled, and completely forget all of the things I know to be truth.
This is exactly how a child reacts to disappointment. This is one of the things I was hoping to find when praying about divorce and what it did to me. This is a direct result of never learning how to act like an adult. Again, this quest isn't to pinpoint my parents and say how awful they did but rather to find the things that are broken due to a not so perfect childhood. I am looking to truly heal and learn and grow out of this experience, not just play the blame game.
I should interject here that my parents did the best they could as 18 and 19 year old people getting married when barely knowing each other. It was a mistake and one I gladly forgive them for and love them both dearly. That being said, it did a number on my development. I am basically a healthy person (physically) as far as development goes but maturity wise, I stink. Now the sad part is I am still more mature than most people I Know, but either way, I am nowhere near the mark of 24 years of maturity. I have no idea how to NOT be in control of a situation and I certainly can't have anything not go my way.
You may be asking yourself, "Erica, why is this?" Well, I will try to explain it to you and quite honestly, to myself. I think that in my life so much has gone wrong that I just want some level of control over it all. I have learned in my short life that there is no hope of me ever attaining complete control over another human being and if I do, it destroys that other human being. I also found that deep down, I don't even want control over them, I just don't want them to hurt me.
Tonight my feelings were hurt. I felt disappointent, resentment, anger, doubt, and confusion. Those are all valid feelings that I truly felt and those are all ok to feel except when I start acting on them. Normally I would have chosen the family "guilt trip" and tried to make the person who disappointed me feel badly about their actions. Tonight I did something different. I heard God's voice in my ear whispering in his booming whisper (anyone know this one?) "Erica, this is your stuff!" It truly is. I am not disappointed for a valid reason. I have feelings and they are true, but this person doesn't deserve a guilt trip just because they didn't do exactly as "Little miss can't be wrong" wanted. I know this sounds harsh to talk about myself this way but this is me healing. I have to be self-actualized in order to heal. I believe in the psychology that I am going to administer to other people in my career and boy is it/God healing me!
In finishing up this blog, I am no longer disappointed but rather grateful. I know God had a hand in teaching me this valuable lesson tonight that he is going to be teaching me over and over, day after day, minute after minute, action after action. The person that is on the other end of this disappointment is literally the first person I have ever loved correctly. That being said, I want to love them in a way that only God can administer. I want to give them my whole healthy heart, not the crap that lurks there to be healed. I want to tell that person tonight, as they might read this (doubtful but they might), I love you so much and I would do anything to make sure I am loving you right. Welcome to my mess but thanks to God and your patience, it will get better.
Have a great night all and please let me know if you are learning anything here. I am trying to really authentically place my heart out and learn and grow with you. ~Shalom~ to all :)

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