Wednesday, October 20, 2004

dreams, big and small

Hi everyone! I am sure if you are located out in So. Cal you are thinking to yourself how awful this weather is. I love it! Rain is amazing for my sleep patterns. I woke up this morning and went upstairs to make breakfast and I almost slept over my waffles because rain just relaxes me. If you had any idea how much I need to relax you would be happy to hear that. I am in a place where I need a few days off to just lay in my bed, read a book, organize and file, and take a walk. If the rain doesn't stop through the weekend I might just do the bed and book gig!

Today's title is about dreams. When I am talking about dreams I don't mean the kind that happen in the deepest of sleep. I am talking about the inner passions and desires of your heart. I have a whole lot of dreams and right now I am working on redefining those dreams and learning what is behind them. One of my hugest dreams is obviously to become a marriage/family therapist and help people like myself who have been terribly hurt in their family of origin. This dream has many steps to it and one of them (Bachelors) I have already achieved. The next step on that path is to get into a grad school and start working on my Masters program. I have always felt rushed to get that completed until now. I am really happy in my current jobs (happy in the sense of challenged and paid decently) so I am thinking maybe I am not in such a hurry to get done.

That is not saying I don't want to apply soon, it just means that I might take some time to get it completed instead of taking the fast track and killing myself to get it done plus work two jobs and attempt to have a social life. Right now I am feeling spread thin and that is alarming to me being that I am not even in my masters program yet. I know God will direct me and lead me but it's nerve racking to say the very least.

Another huge dream of mine is to be emotionally healthy. That is something I have been working on for the last year. Now some of you probably view me as pretty healthy already but those of you who REALLY know me are aware of the complex problems in my emotional health. I am working from the ground up on this problem by delving into things I have not dealt with yet from childhood as well as dealing with how they interact with my life daily. I really need to get healthy emotionally not only for my future career but also for my quality of life.

There is no point of getting up each day, working for a living, coming home, hanging out, and being miserable. I have no desire to keep blaming myself for other's issues, putting too much on myself, disclosing more than I should, and running my problems around in a circle. I am ready to be free of these unhealthy behaviors and this is something that is top priority right now in my life.

Another dream that constantly runs through my head is to be financially secure. I am working on that now by obviously paying off bills and working about 16 hours daily. I make decent money and don't have any money going out in rent or food so that helps. I am possibly going to purchase a new car in order to bring my fica score up a little so that eventually I can purchase a house out here. I have a lot of financial goals that work in correspondence with this and I am a little concerned with how that will all pan out with grad school.

An overall dream of mine that is completely in God's control is my LOVE life. I use the term love just like in yesterday's entry. I use it to mean a sacrificial, happy, mutual, totally amazing love. I have a deep seated desire to love and be loved. I have no idea what will happen with that but I am trusting God that he hears the cry of my heart.

Well, I have talked about dreams today in order to encourage you all to dream. I am dreaming now of being around someone I love very much and longing to understand their heart and moreso be available to understand their differences and be a good LOVER! I mean that in the cleanest way ;)

Well, the next few days could be hard on me as I am being obedient to God but completely having a uncomfortable time at it. Please be praying that my dreams can come true. I will be praying the same for you! ~Shalom~

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