Saturday, October 30, 2004


Hello everyone. I am sorry it’s been a while since I have written. I have been so busy lately. My blog is an extreme source of relaxation and reflection for me and I have seriously missed it this week. This week has worn me out. I have so much going on and seriously have no energy to do anything. I promised myself that this weekend would be a recuperation time. I decided to screen my phone calls very carefully, not plan anything, and exercise a lot! I have to take care of myself and to be honest; I haven’t been doing a great job of that lately.

My obedience to God in some areas is skyrocketing while in other areas it is imperative that I start to buckle down. Have you noticed that when you get a handle on something that was really hard for you, you lose your footing in another area? That has been me this week. I have been giving God my control issue this week and in turn have relapsed in my food intake and lust area. I think that there are times when you have to just stop and stay by yourself until you get it together. That is exactly my plan for the weekend.

Today was the start of my weekend and I began by weighing in this morning and not to my surprise having gained 4 lbs. I haven’t been being obedient in my eating habits and due to the rain last week I didn’t go running every night and I should have exercised indoors but instead, I snacked and got heavier. I am very disappointed in myself; however, I have learned that if you stay in that zone, you keep losing ground. After a breakfast of a Granny Smith Apple, I went to the beach and ran/walked 2 miles. It felt so good and my endorphins started moving and I had a better mood going on.

Last night I had a terrible evening where I realized how much I have lost this year. I was struggling with the fact of losing a lot of friends, my relationship, and a lot of strongholds that made me feel very comfortable. I am happy about these things as well but it’s hard to realize them all at once and experience grief/happiness at the same time. It is a bittersweet feeling.

Anyway, this morning at the beach I walked around for a while just taking pictures of how beautiful Corona Del Mar is. I took black and white photos of all of the things I found to be beautiful. After my “picture walk” I went and ran/walked 2 miles and burned some serious calories and sent some endorphins to my brain in order to get out of the funk I was sitting in. After a great run, it was great to de-funk myself further by going to the mall and shopping. I ended up purchasing a pair of jeans, a new pair of chonies, a pair of jogging pants, and a new pair of running shoes (Nike Shox). What a great day at the mall and man did it make me feel better?! I might not feel better when I realize what I have to live on ($ wise) for the next 2 weeks but oh well.

I have had a tough couple of weeks and God is really changing who I am. That is a very uncomfortable place to be but obviously makes me very happy also. I really want to be all that God wants me to be but it’s so hard doing all of the things he asks me to do. I am going to be very alone through this time as God is trying to get me by myself in order to really take care of my issues. There are friendships to be left, relationships to change, and mostly time to be alone. I am learning what it is like to be with me because that is the time when I see myself thoroughly and am able to sort through what’s going wrong.

My newest growth experience to share with all of you is TIME. Time is something we are all limited on and we all have the same amount. Time is not a respecter of people, places, or events. Time moves the same for everyone. This is an ideal time to talk about time because this week is daylight savings time. Indiana folks, you don’t observe this little intricacy of life but we Cali people do. This time around we gain an hour on the west coast. To me, that is crucial as time has been so limited lately. That isn’t what I wanted to speak about but it is a good transition.

Time is something I have had to learn a lot about this week, in different ways. First of all I have had to learn how to spend TIME alone. This has been through watching my favorite TV programs, reading books, taking walks, going to the beach, laying around, shopping, cleaning, organizing, thinking, etc… I have never honestly liked being alone. Even when I was alone as a kid, I would talk to myself like I was someone else. I would put on radio broadcasts or do shows in my room pretending that there were others out there. I have always hated to be alone until now. I am slowly learning the merit of alone time. My favorite friend Joel always tells me the great things about being alone and until now, I have never really been able to appreciate his thoughts. I am getting to where I am my favorite person to hang out with. Almost (see bolded name)

I am also learning how to set boundaries with my TIME. My time is very limited and valuable. I am learning how to not waste it but use it very wisely and not let others take it away when I am not willing to give it. This has come to places where I had to say NO although it was very hard, had to stand up for my needs, and had to let the phone ring.

I have also been learning to give others an adequate amount of TIME for things. We all know that I am very involved in my friend’s lives and try to stay in touch and spend time with them. Well, lately I have taken the approach of giving others their own time and not overcrowding. I also have started allowing others to pursue me because I am giving entirely too much of myself in many relationships. This has been very beneficial and I am seeing who cares and who just wants things from me.

Another aspect of TIME I have been learning about is how crucial time with the Lord is. I mean, I can do a lot of things with my 24 hours in a day but they are all so fruitless if I don’t get time with Jesus. I work a lot in a day, 13-16 hours, so this can be hard but it’s imperative right now that I learn HIS character and the way HE wants me to do things. I have learned that obedience is so rewarding if you will just rest in HIM.

This past week I learned a lot about loving others. I truly LOVE for the first time in my life and it’s the hardest thing I have ever set myself to do. There is so much to lose. I feel so out of control in this situation. I feel like all I can do is feel these things and do what God says and hope for the best. I know this is what God wants me to get to and it’s invigorating and quite scary. I know he wants me to blindly trust him with my heart this time and I am terrified. I am so scared of walking away broken like so many times before. I have no guarantee of my love ever being returned or even respected yet I still love with all that I am.
This time in my life is really scary and lonely. I am supposed to be alone and I am supposed to be letting go and I am doing it. I am trusting HIM for my every breath, need, desire, heartache, etc… I am deeply in need of HIS strong arms to carry me through a very rough time. I am longing for more of God and less of me. Well, I have blabbed enough for the day. Have a great weekend all and God bless you! ~Shalom~

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