Thursday, October 14, 2004

Growing and Changing

Does anyone remember when you heard something from someone and you didn't expect it from them but it was so profound that you wondered if it was God himself?! Today I was talking to someone about my current situation and how frustrated I feel with it. They were very understanding but also just calmly stated, "Erica, maybe this is God's way of getting you to give up control!?" I was astonished. I didn't even know that this person realized I had a control issue. Now to some of you, that may be funny. I mean, I know my control issue is OUT of control. Many of my close friends would say that and I wouldn't be shocked. This person wasn't a friend of mine at all. This person was the least likley to say anything to me about self-improvment and there it was. Plain as the nose on my face!
God IS clearly using everything I am going through to break my stupid spirit of control. I have always liked to be in control of things and know exactly what is going on and be somewhat the leader of the pack. This mirrors in not only my romantic life but also in my friendships, jobs, family, and went onto my humor and how I insist and demand to be the center of attention. I am learning so much about myself and there is nothing that makes you sick like learning about yourself. I have a million opportunities a day to become the woman God has for me to be. Actually 525,600 minutes a year to choose right. Now you may ask youself, "Erica, why on Earth did you calculate how many minutes are in a year?" Well I didn't. There was this song in high school and it said it. I cheated...plainly.
Anyway, in saying that, I have a bunch of opportunities to make right decisions. I can choose to realize there are other people in the world or I can continue in my one woman show. I know that a lot of you have been waiting for me to see this for about 24 years. Especially those of you who are my family. I am finally realizing how unimportant I am in the grand scheme of things. I literally used to think that everything someone did affected me or had something to do with me. This comes back to never developing maturity. This also comes to how hard this week has been for me.
It's really hard for me to feel disappointment or left out. This comes from being a very self-centered person. I love people with all of my heart and try very hard to put them in a place of importance but seriously, I never ever consider someone else before myself. For example, if a friend cancelled plans with me because they were tired, I would immediately start to think the following thoughts:
--They are tired of me
--They don't like me
--They are lying and hanging out with someone else
--They can't tell me what they really think
--Our relationship is falling apart
--They probably are hiding something
You can see how this thought process would destroy a person. Well, I never even think rationally enough to say to myself/them:
--Man, She must be really tired to cancel plans to go out, I'll pray for rest
--Hey, *Susie* no problem, just let me know when we can reschedule
--Great, now I can read that book I have been wanting to read
I need to get healthy enough to where everything ISN'T about me! I know logically that everything can't be about me but somehow when the rubber hits the road, it always is. I am going through a time of missing people, homesickness, and losing friendships and inside, I really do think it's all about me. I am trying to logically remind myself that homsickness is something I chose for myself, missing people is bound to happen and it isn't always a bad thing, and losing some friendships that aren't particulary healthy is ok. I also need to realize that my greatest times are alone so I should enjoy them and bask in them.
That being said, I am going over to my friends house tonight for dinner and I am so excited because it's a friendship that is so worth everything I have. I have learned multitudes from this friend and look forward to time with them. I need to be reminded that it isn't always about me so I can enjoy my time and not think about how I am being viewed, whether other's miss me, or whether I'll ever find a romantic partner like this person has. I know my thoughts and so does God. I want to change and God knows that. I am going to be praying that I can become the friend you all need me to be.
Have a beautiful night everyone and thanks for sticking with me through this deep mess of thoughts and emotions. You are all wonderful! ~Shalom~

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