Sunday, October 24, 2004

A restful Sunday

Hey everyone. I hope you are all doing great this fine Sunday. It's about 10:30 here in So. Cal and I have to say I have spent the day doing rather relaxing things. Yesterday morning I woke up with a sore back. I have no idea what happened but I feel like I might have a pinched nerve right under my right shoulder blade in my back. It's pretty painful and has continued on into today. I decided to not go to church but to stay in bed this morning and relax. For lunch I headed out with Heather and Josh for some seafood at wonderful Red Lobster.

After a great lunch with them, I went and did our two week grocery shopping run. Our house was getting pretty bare. I love when you do well at the store and save a lot of money. I am quite the grocery shopper. I have a knack for saving money and eating like a KING :) Pun completely intended. ;) I think that is a part of my job that I do just wonderful at.

Tonight finds me in the office upstairs blogging away with Christopher sleeping soundly in the next room. He is really excited about Halloween and dressing up really scary and making his nanny nervous. He has chosen to be a Zombie Clown for Halloween and so, um, yeah, SCARED. I don't know if everyone that reads this knows but I am terrified of clowns. Chris didn't know this when he chose his costume so I can't blame him and maybe it will help desensitize me to this fear. Who knows?!

I am looking forward to this week in a strange way. I have nothing to really look forward to but my attitude is changing so much that I don't mind thinking in terms of what is going to be new and fresh for the week. I am always looking forward to my next growing and changing opportunity. I am happy to say that my favorite friend will be back in So. Cal and I am looking forward to that although that doesn't mean I will see or talk to him. I am trying to be well...spacious right now! (I don't need to explain that for those of you who know I am talking symbolically)

Tomorrow is usually a busy day as Monday is a great day to receive about a million things to do on the agenda and get moving on loans. Also, Christopher has Karate tomorrow afternoon and while he is there, I am going to the library to pick his new book to read. He finished "Number the Stars" by Lois Lowery and really liked it. He has a horrible time with reading so I am just hoping for a successful school year overall in the reading department.

So onto growth, I am learning so much lately that it's hard to type it all out in a blog. This week's experience was learning to take time for myself and God. It was also learning self control versus controlling the universe. I am going pretty deep into this so if you aren't a psych person, buckle up...you're in for a ride.

Ok, so I believe there is a distinct difference between being able to control yourself and being a control freak. I am classically defined as a "Control Freak" and I wear that name tag with my head hung in shame. It's been very hard for me to "fess" up to this terrible name but I am starting to be out of my denial and fighting the behavior. I try to control anything and everything I can get my hands on. I should note here that it is a classic response from a person who comes from an abusive background because you try to find control where it's available. I am not justifying this behavior nor backing it at all but simply trying to explain the root of this mess.

In saying this, I am in no way self controlled. Because I am not able to control my self, I try to control my surroundings including people. This isn't good or healthy. I am working on controlling my self and letting everything else go right now. I have decided today to type out the things I can control and then a list of the things (off the top of my head) that I can't control. This is a great exercise in reality.

Things I can control:

My exercise habits
What I eat
How I treat others
How much time I spend with God
How hard I work at my jobs
How I love others
How I myself choose to behave
Forgiving others who have hurt me

Things I cannot control:

My metabolism
How others treat me
What God does with my life
If someone falls in love with me
How much attention I receive from others
How others love me
How others choose to behave
Other's spiritual lives
Time and how fast it goes
Age and how fast it comes
Parenting Christopher
Saving Jaylie
How my family handles money
Getting others to forgive me
Getting others to feel badly for things they have done

The list continues on things I can't control so I am starting to lay things down one at a time and just walk away from them knowing they are not mine to hold on to. I hope this blog has helped someone today but please stay tuned as God is only moving further and further and deeper and deeper into me. I hope someday I am 1/4 the woman he is working on! :) I have potential...says the Lord ;) ~Shalom~

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