Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Welcome Home!

Hello everyone. Tonight I am in an odd mood. I am going through so much right now. I am in a state of broken-ness. I don’t know how to explain this because it’s a good/bad thing. God is truly getting underneath my skin and ripping me apart. This is exactly what I need, but man it hurts. I am dealing with a lot of doubt, confusion, hurt, disappointment, and anger. My friend told me that I was going to be in a lot of pain due to my decision to be a different person and I had no idea how painful it would really be. He was so right. I also have to admit that he was right in saying I would start to enjoy the pain. I am starting to enjoy it and it scares me. Part of me is afraid if I start to get comfortable with the pain that is increasing that God will pile on more to build more character. What am I saying? Of course He will!!!!

I am really lost because life is seriously a battle between flesh and spirit. My flesh wants to do what I want and throw fits, lie, manipulate, have inappropriate relationships, cheat, spend all of my money on shoes, and the list goes on. My spirit longs for more of the Lord, seeks to fulfill my dreams that line up with God’s will, and love someone with all that I have. My desires are torn between the world and the Kingdom too. I long to be married and have a family of my own but the flesh comes in and wishes for that right now instead of in God’s perfect timing. I am lonely and broken and hurting and in need. God has to fill these needs right now, as I know I am in no shape to have them filled elsewhere.

I am not healthy enough yet to be able to even choose a person to spend my free time with, much less choose a person to marry. I am letting God take this aspect of my life and turn it around for him. A lot of you that read this blog are married. You probably hardly remember being alone and uncertain about your romantic future but I can assure you, it sucks! I used to know exactly whom I would spend my life with, what we would do, where we would live, and how in love we would be. That’s because I controlled every aspect of my life. I was miserable!!! Now that God has control there is a lot to be said for uncertainty. I love that God is fashioning the man he has for me (if any) and forming him into the man he needs to be while I am being fashioned into the woman I need to be. I have a few desires to fulfill before he gets here in a romantic way. I don’t know if God will let me get those finished or not but I am resting in the fact that they are my focus right now.

I first of all really want to get to goal weight. I have been struggling the past 2 weeks since I had bronchitis and a little car mishap last week. I haven’t lost any weight in 3 weeks and I am frustrated. I am broken because I am working so hard yet getting nowhere. This is something that takes a lot of my energy and me and I am frustrated by it daily.

I also really want to be healthier emotionally/mentally before I get into a relationship again. I have sooo many issues to deal with that I haven’t even scratched the surface. I literally deal with my emotional health daily yet I always feel like I am nowhere further than I was the day before. My friend who has been with me on this journey for the last year says I have matured a great deal and he sees a lot of growth in me but I know me best and I still have to live in this filthy vessel that does close to nothing right!

Right now, I am on track to getting my spiritual life in order. I am seeking God’s face on a lot of issues and can see him working in them very clearly. I only wish I could understand what he is doing. I know that down the road I will look around and say “Oh, that was it Lord, thanks” but right now it feels so hard and broken is the word I keep coming to.

I want so much and see so little happening. I want to be better. I want to find HIM! I want to be happy! I want to be a therapist. I want to live for today and stop worrying about tomorrow. I want to be free of these heartaches that my past have caused. I want to stop being broken and be repaired.
I could really use some prayer right now and to be quite honest, a friend or two. I am lonely, hurt, BROKEN! I made the title of today’s blog “Welcome Home” because there is this song by Shaun Groves (A Christian artist) that really describes my battle right now and what is going on. I have included the lyrics on this blog in order to share my heart with you. Enjoy and ~Shalom~

Welcome Home
Shaun Groves
Take, me, make me
All You want me to be
That's all I'm asking, all I'm asking
Welcome to this heart of mine
I've buried under prideful vines
Grown to hide the mess I've made
Inside of me
Come decorate, Lord
Open up the creaking door
And walk upon the dusty floor
Scrape away the guilty stains
Until no sin or shame remain
Spread Your love upon the walls
And occupy the empty halls
Until the man I am has faded
No more doors are barricaded
Come inside this heart of mine
It's not my own
Make it home
Come and take this heart and make it
All Your own
Welcome home
Take a seat, pull up a chair
Forgive me for the disrepair
And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
Gathered on my search for meaning
Every closet's filled with clutter
Messes yet to be discovered
I'm overwhelmed, I understand
I can't make this place all that You can
repeat chorus
I took the space that You placed in me
Redecorated in shades of greed
And I made sure every door stayed locked
Every window blocked, and still You knocked
repeat chorus
Take me, make me
All You want me to be
That's all I'm asking, all I'm asking

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