Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Rain, Pain, and Sacrificial Love

Good evening everyone. I do hope this Tuesday finds you doing well and staying dry. For those of you in my "neck of the woods," it has been pretty wet around here. I like the rain other than that small detail of having curly Jewish hair and having to straighten it after each outdoor activity. Today's title says a lot about where I am at. Rain just happens to be what is going on outside right now in beautiful So. Cal. Pain is the state of mind I am living in and Sacrificial love is my newest learning experience.

Have you ever really loved someone? When I use the word love in this entry, I want to operationally define it as a verb phrase. I don't want it to be an emotion like "I love that car" or "I love sports" or even "I love my dog." All of these things suppose that love is something that makes you feel good inside or serves a purpose for you. I am talking about deep down LOVE. I found out this week that I love someone for the first time in my life. In a very generic sense I love a lot of people. I love my mom, dad, sisters, friends, extended family, co-workers, etc...but when I speak of this new love today, I speak of something so much greater and so much harder.

I am not speaking of a froofy (completely made up word) romantic love either. I mean, in a sense this love can turn into any kind of love you desire it to be but it's a true love. I could easily have romantic feelings for this person (and maybe I already do) but I learned today that to truly love someone, you are willing to stand back and be uncomfortable in order to make them happy. The love that I have in my heart is new and fresh and exciting and quite honestly, difficult. This person is the hardest person for me to love in the world because we love so differently.

In the past for me to love someone meant that I tried to control them, gave them sound advice, guided them through hardship, and ideally did "nice" things for them. All of these things in the past were for me to gain something. If I was nice to someone, it was so that they thought I was really nice. If I gave advice to someone it was imperative that they find me brillant when I was done. Not this person! I love this person with no stipulations. I love them with the knowledge of who they are and never wanting one single thing to change. I have longed for a love that deep in my life and now I am praying that God will allow love to come back to me in this way now that I actually practice it.

I am not saying by any means that I have put this person first or even second on my priority list. They are well down the list, however, they sit at their spot completely safe and sturdy because I am happy with them there. I also am not saying that this person is perfect because honestly, by no means do I feel that way. They do a lot of things that I believe to be "wrong" or aggravate me greatly. The difference is I don't love what they do, I love their potential. I am just completely and utterly in love! (I mean that in the least stupid way)

I am really going through a crazy upheaval now days and seriously am considering a lot of changes in my life. I would appreciate prayers all around for big decisions to be made and new ideas to be pondered. I also need prayers for whatever God is doing in tearing me into pieces and exposing the guts to me! I am really tired from this experience as well as the first month at my new jobs. I need prayers for every day that I pursue excellence and God's best for me

Tonight I went and looked at Acura RSX's. I am considering trading the Cavie in for a new car. I had no intention upon doing this until May when the cavie is paid off and some other things are taken care of but I am considering doing this in the next 10 days. Please keep me in prayer for wisdom as I am really interested in this car and would love to drive it home next week! I have a lot of facets to consider in this decision.

Please also keep me in prayer as I plan my trip home in December and have to come up with a great deal of money in order to make the trip plausible. The plane ticket is purchased so Thank God and Dad for that! I need prayers for the rental car, Christmas gifts for family, money to operate on while there, money to pay bills while missing one week of work, and money when I get back to get into full swing possibly on a new car loan!

Well as much as these are exciting times, they are also very stressful. I need to keep focusing on my health and well-being. Sorry if I haven't been a great communicator lately. Trying to stay healthy and focused. Have a beautiful day and ~Shalom~

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