Monday, October 04, 2004

Drastic changes ahead for me

Happy Monday everyone and thanks for stopping in. My blog is going to get considerably more serious as the days progress just due to the nature of my life these days. I am feeling much better for those of you who are praying. I am about 85% capacity now and can run again so I am happy about that. I got some new running shoes this past week so I am stoked to run in them. I went last night and ran around balboa and it felt so good to get out and feel better again.

While I was running, I realized some things about me right now. I am just now starting to have a serious spiritual relationship. I became a Christian when I was 17 years old and made a commitment to Christ. Just after that, I really had no idea how to live it and never started living it until about a year ago. Granted, I still haven't lived it well and I have made some of the worst and best decisions of my life in this last year of time. That being said, I am literally broken right now for the way I have hurt God and others in the past. I am really disgusted by myself and feel horrible about a lot of decisions I have made in my life.

I know that God is forgiving and loving and never leaves me and certainly doesn't hate me for the way I have acted but it's hard to wake up one day and realize how disgusting of a person you were! I like the word WERE though and I intend to keep it that way. I know that God is recreating me and I am excited to see what kind of Erica I can be with him on my team. I have no idea if you are reading this right now and you might feel just like I do. You might hate some of the things you have done in life but my advice to you is....let go of things and stop being mad at yourself. If you realize your filth, you are farther along that most of the people that I know, seriously! I am happy today that I want to please my Lord and I am doing everything in my power to complete that.

To my blogging public today I extend a heartfelt apology. To all of you that I have hurt in some way (and that's probably ALL of you) I am terribly sorry for being a depraved person. I know that I fall short of the glory of God and most of my own expectations as well. I am not a good daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, etc...but I am working on it and one day I will be. Thanks for being in my life and I am just so sorry if I have ever injured you.

Today I decided to write about healing. Healing is a huge word for me and the world looks at it and thinks of some kind of crusade where a televangelist throws his coat on you and you fall down and are suddenly no longer suffering from chronic pain in your left shoulder. That isn't the healing I am speaking of today. I honestly think that the "televangelist healing" happens more often than true healing in the life of a believer. I am carrying around all kinds of scars and pains from the past and I have not let God heal a lot of them. Today I am learning that I need to let the ultimate healer...heal me! I need to let God take my childhood, teenage life, and now adulthood and turn it around for HIM! I am starting to give God one thing at a time and asking him to make me well in that area.

I have decided to be truly authentic is to share ones struggles. Today I am giving God my need for male attention. I am giving it to him for the millionth time. I am a person that is constantly in need of attention period, but even more so MALE attention. I am ashamed of this and embarassed by it. I will do almost anything to make a man pay attention to me. I could go into the psychological things that have made me into this girl or I can just say it's unhealthy. It truly is. Today I am asking God to heal that and take me to a place where I can have strong healthy relationships with women and mostly with myself. Tonight I am going to stay home and read and then go running by myself and try to stay away from people who are feeding only my desire to be needed and wanted. I need to start finding my contentment in the Lord and in myself. I need to stop wanting so much and allowing so little out of people for them to be a huge part of my life.

I really need everyone to pray for me for a few things. First of all that God continues to tear me apart and put me back together. I know that this is going to be a very painful experience and I am prepared for that. My dearest friend said to me "Erica, learn to love pain" and I think he was right. I am going to have to embrace it because it's going to be my home for a while. Also, please pray that I find the right female mentor to help me spiritually. I have talked to someone about being that mentor and she is currently praying about it and considering it and I am looking forward to whoever God puts in my life because I am ready to learn.

News in the other areas of my life is that work is going ok. Please pray for Christopher as he is spending all next week at Astrocamp and should have a great time doing that. Also, he is testing for his yellow belt in Karate on Saturday November 6 and we are so excited for him advancing in Karate. I am buying my ticket either this week or next week for my trip home to Indiana in December. I don't honestly know how I feel about going home. I feel torn about it. I want to go home because I miss Indiana and all the things I know and people who will love me no matter how disgusting I am. Also, I am scared about going home because my life is pretty rotten there. I live differently and I really need to stand my ground this time.

Richmond Home Loan is teaching me a lot and I really love learning things there. I am learning a lot from my boss about rebuilding my credit from some stupid decisions and I am hoping to get my financial life figured out by good counselors in finance. Life other than all of this is going well. I am learning more every day to love someone with all of my heart and invest in them. Planning the cruise to Mexico and loving every step of that. Finding ways to get to know and love myself more and learning to love my Savior most of all. Thanks so much for stopping in and taking the time to read this long blog today! Have a beautiful week people and ~Shalom~

No comments: