Saturday, October 23, 2004

Sweet rewards

Happy Saturday everyone. I hope you all are having a great weekend and doing something that relaxes you and brings you much happiness. I am having a good weekend so far. Today I took Jaylie out for a movie and we saw the movie with Hilary Duff called "Raise your Voice." Now Hilary Duff isn't my favorite actress or even in my generation but I went for Jaylie and to be honest, (hangs head in shame) I liked the movie! I also ended up staying home tonight and ordering in some grilled salmon and just chilling. I am going for a run after I blog although my back is injured in some way and I am not sure how far I am going to get.

Today's title is "sweet rewards" because my obedience (that has been severely difficult) is paying off. I know that often times being obedient to the Lord is really hard and you don't see the payoff immediately. I am not saying that everything that you are obedient in even has an earthly payoff but my obedience was sincerely rewarded this week. I was asked (sorta) by God this week to give Him my time. I am a person who genuinely gives to other people or needs from other people until it kills me or them. This week God asked me to give Him my all and let Him be all I need. I know that I should be doing this on a normal basis but this is very new for the selfish person that I am.

I really try to put myself out there in order to make sure NO one forgets me. I am everything to everybody and the funniest, the loudest, the most generous, the best listener, the most entertaining, and the list goes on. I am wearing myself out. I am not doing this to bless anyone else but me. I am doing it so I don't have to be alone. There is a lot that is scary about finding yourself BY YOURSELF!! I am also doing this in my jobs. I am going above and beyond the call of duty in order to be the best worker so everyone will love me and make me feel needed. None of this is healthy so God has asked me/told me to STOP!

Now I should note that I have no problem with giving your 100% to everything you put your hands to do but seriously consider your motive. My motives have been poor for a long time towards a lot of tasks and people. I am learning one person at a time how to love. I love someone very much for the first time in my life. I am learning what that means, what it demands, and what I need to change about myself to do it efficiently. I am a person that requires much of myself. I long every day to be a better person and I know deep down that I am not giving my all by giving ALL OF ME! It is not healthy for me nor is it beneficial to others. I have to have something for myself in order to benefit anyone else.

In saying that, I have been very obedient in one area for about 4 days now. I have seen God's hand move in this situation already and really am clinging to his promises. I have no idea how this will pan out and what will come of it but I know what God said and what He says is always for my best. I know what's mentally healthy and I am trying to pursue that greatly at this time.

I really need everyone's prayers right now as this is a hard time for me physically. I had a few "set backs" recently in my health that made it very hard for me to exercise and thus lose weight. While these set backs were happening I slipped into my old ways of putting food first and having a severely unhealthy relationship with it. I continued to exercise even when it was rough but unfortunately with the calorie intake I have only maintained. I am standing still at 230 lbs now and I am sick of it. I want to get more weight off. I did happen to get into a size 18 now and I am really happy about that but I need my good eating habits back. I am going grocery shopping tomorrow for the house so I just need prayers for knowledge and wisdom on what to buy in order to support my eating differences.

I find myself doing a lot of snacking late at night. I feel like I am starving because I am eating less healthy foods which leave you unsatisfied. I am hoping to incorporate more fruits and vegetables this week which leave me full at night and getting to bed earlier which will keep me out of the fridge. Also I really need to make time this week for my runs in order to burn more than I take in. Please just pray as this is one of my huge goals. I am going home in December and would like to be down to at least 220 by that time. My family and I are getting pictures taken and I would like to be more proud of them although I have to tell you..I am one cute girl these days. I am very proud of my weight loss and very proud of who I am. I just have to keep it up until I am at a healthy weight!

Thanks everyone for stopping in and for your prayers! Have a beautiful weekend and keep on checking in for more Erica-extreme Makeover! HA HA ~Shalom~

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