Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Asking for help

Today I am learning a huge lesson and it hurts. I have been having some difficulties in life recently with emotions, hurts, pains, finances, and the list goes on. On the whole, I am very happy but I have been going through, what I like to call, a growth period. There are periods in your life when you are cruising along and everything is almost too simple. I have been through those times but not in a great while. For the last year and a half, I have been going through a growth period. God is ripping me apart daily and trying to put me back together piece by piece but I assure you, this is a painful process. I attribute a lot of my growth to the beautiful people in my life and their truth speaking friendship. I so enjoy when someone isn't afraid to tell me the truth and help me become a better Erica. That is a true friend!

Today and many days before this I have come to the conclusion that I have a hard time asking for and accepting help. I need a lot of help right now. I need help in a lot of facets. I have no idea where to seek this help or to grasp hold and try to find a way out. I need help in so many areas, it's scary and the reason for this is, I am afraid to ask for help, therefore, I keep needing it and eventually I am completely empty of being able to help anyone else. This comes from a background of being taught, directly and indirectly, to be a strong woman and not need anyone. That is just a falsehood. Having a need and expressing that need is a sign of complete and utter strength and confidence in your shortcomings.

I am not there yet. I believe that for every single friend of mine or family member but can't quite believe it for myself. I am aware that each of my friends, family members, and mentors have distinct strengths and I could be displaying my needs and most likely having them met if I didn't feel like a needy person when I express need. There is such a difference in neediness and having a need and making it known. It's funny because last night I was having a meeting with Richard, my boss. Richard is an interesting creature. He grew up catholic and basically really has no personal relationship with the Lord that I can see but he is great stuff. He has become an amazing friend of mine and speaks a lot of truth.

Each payday, we have a little meeting and talk about the things that are going on between us. It might be that I need to clean the counters down better or it can be something like Chris' improvement in school or we talk personally about our own lives. We often talk about Richard's success in business and what drives him and where he is in life and we talk about my quest for getting to know me and getting to fix all of the intricacies that I see fit to fix. Last night, we came upon an Erica emotional breakdown in the sense that no tears were coming and I was just at a loss for words.

I began to describe my heart as disheveled. I began to pour out all of the things I am worried about, hurting about, confused about, feeling guilty about...etc.... and Richard listened intently. He then said something that I have heard Christians say more often than unbelievers. He said "Erica, you have to find a way to get your emotional needs met, you are starving in a sense" He was so right. I am famished for love, affection, care, mercy, forgiveness, power, strength, friendship, etc...

I am getting a lot of fake feelings from a lot of fake filler items. I am filling my void in my heart with boys, food, control, hobbies, etc. and it's getting to be too much. I am physically not feeling well and mentally exhausted and feel like I am overextended. I am financially destitute and scared about the next step. I am feeling no purpose or drive. I am hard pressed on almost every side and I need help. I don't know if this is my first attempt or not but if you are reading this and you feel like there is ANYTHING you can do to reach out..please hear my cry. I am lost and quite honestly dying of emotional starvation. I am longing for medication...I am seeking the Lord so please know that he will meet the needs in some way. Pray for me please as I am in a hard place right now. Much love to all of you and ask for help people. Here is my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning March 1, 2005:

1. I really have reached quite a few of my resolutions already and I am proud of that.

2. I practiced the piano a lot yesterday and feel accomplished by it.

3. A lot of people I know had the dream to one day play piano. It's odd how few actually learn it.

4. Joel Forbes is the best friend I have ever had and there is no doubt in his wisdom and although many don't know this...that is a man after God's heart. SO IN LOVE :) (arggg..did I say that?)

5. My birthday present to Joel is exciting...he's 25 tomorrow people! Happy b-day Joel.

Thankfulness March 1, 2005:

I am thankful for a great talk with my best guy friend, Joel. He is just precious and always speaks so much truth into my life. I spent a good hour or two talking to him yesterday and it was amazing and heartfelt as always. His love is always so present and so obvious to me. He appreciates my blunders, ignores what everyone else finds intriguing and digs deep into me. I notice that he knows me best, yet loves me best. There must be something to that. Thank you God for this precious gift 25 years ago and thank you Joel for enriching my life.


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