Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Sometimes I believe..you simply move me!

My favorite Christian musician is this guy named Shaun Groves. He isn't particulary the most popular artist but I love his music. His first cd "Invitation to Eavesdrop" had a song on it called "Move me." It was one of my favorite tracks because it spoke multitudes about my relationship with the Lord. These are the verses of the song and you will see ...it compares greatly...

My cup is never empty
My eyes are never dry
I'd be drunk by now if
Selfishness were wine
Seems like a million years
That I've been standing here
Holding on to all that holds me down

Let the sun burn brighter
I'll run into Your shade
Dip the sky in darkness
I'll cry out for Your day
Use bitter and sweet
To move my frozen feet
Far beyond all that holds me down

I know it's true
When I'm destitute
You come running to me
But sometimesI believe you simply


I think this song says a lot about where I am today with God. Sometimes he simply just moves me because I am not quite where I need to be. Right now, I will admit to the entire blogging public that I am struggling with God's love and grace. I have always struggled with understanding grace outside of perfection. I am learning daily that it's ok for me not to be perfect and it's healthier actually if I can make a few mistakes and feel ok about that. I know that this song is going to be a strong place for me to be for a while.

Last night after my workout at the gym, I went down to Balboa and walked a mile just talking to God and telling him my deepest and darkest fears. I am someone who tries to be motivated by love and compassion and passion of all kinds and sometimes I lose my footing and I am motivated by fear alone. Lately my actions have been completely fear motivated. I have done things that I would only do because I am afraid of the other options. It's time to step up and face my fears and live for God. I have to trust him with my heart and life. I am struggling with trusting him mainly with my heart and therefore my life.

I am fearing a lot of things right now and I have no plan of action except to drop those fears at the feet of Jesus daily. I have no other plan and I think that might be good. I need to start seeing myself as a daughter of God again or dare I say...for once! As for healing, the thing I am working most on today is the wedding. I am going to start dreaming about my wedding again. I have no groom and I am not planning on getting married any time soon but it would be good for me to see weddings and marriage as a feasible option again and see the happiness in them. Basically, that is the plan right now.

I hope if any of you are struggling with fear right now you will do what I am doing and just drop it at his feet, sometimes you will pick it back up...but just keep dropping it. There is no peace without HIM!

Well here are my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning March 7, 2005:

1. I have roots in California now!

2. I am enjoying new people in my life but I know their place.

3. Running is the most exhilirating thing I have ever picked up.

4. A walk with God can be so therapeutic and refuel me for ministry to others.

5. I can think about weddings in a positive sense.

Thankfulness March 7, 2005:

I am thankful that I am living so close to Balboa Island where I can spend time with God when I need to get away. I am so thankful that I have a quiet place to get away to and walk around and talk to God and not be looking crazy. I am thankful that God meets me right where I am and no matter how angry, disturbed, distracted, frustrated, fearful, or stupid I am..he loves me the same! Thank you God for your love and your listening ear! He is the best friend I have! :)


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