Monday, March 07, 2005


Good Morning everyone and Happy Monday to you! I do hope your new week is happy and you are finding some kind of focus on which to keep your thoughts. For me, I am in a mood of finding out what is going on in my life. Yesterday I went back to church. This may surprise you all but I had not been attending church for the last 3-4 months. There was no real reason other than I missed one sunday and then...missed several. It was so easy after I went to Indiana for about 2 weeks and was out and then when I came back, it just wasn't a priority. I was thinking about this for some time and realized the hole it leaves in my spirit to not be in church. I decided that no matter how uncomfy I was, I was going back.

Yesterday morning I got up early and spent an hour in prayer asking God to guide my steps, make me go, and let me hear from him. Boy did I!!! The sermon was about times of lamenting. Lamenting is where you are in a "valley" so to speak and you are asking God those hard questions. Some of these might be like "Why did you have me go through that specific struggle" or something like that. Well, all of you know that the last year of my life has been a struggle. I gave up a relationship with Adolfo (after 6 years) a year ago. It was one of the hardest decisions as an adult that I have ever had to make and to this day, I believe it will go down in the top 10 I will ever make in my life. Well, since that fateful day (exactly a year ago) after I watched Brigadoon...I heard God's voice so clearly and knew it was the right thing for me. I also knew it would bring much pain and some doubt.

Yesterday as I sat in church and heard the sermon, I realized that is where I have been with God. I have been lamenting. I have been really struggling with him because I knew it was the right thing, yet it has brought incredible pain and sorrow. Adolfo and I tried (I should say..I tried) to have a friendship and go out and repair the damage that we did. He did not really want a friendship with me at all and slowly but surely we lost contact. We haven't talked for about 3 months and it's been easier for me in some ways but very hard for me in others. It has made me lament more. Here are some of my questions to God regarding this hard time in my life....(I should note that these are not godly or healthy statements..just what is on my heart!)

1. Why did you let me invest 6 years in a man who you were going to take away?

2. Why can't I lose this blasted weight?

3. Why did he get a girlfriend right away and I am still waiting on Mr. Right?

4. Why am I in love with a man who can't seem to love me back?

5. Why can't I get a second job that makes me happy and helps me pay my bills?

6. Where are you in my suffering?

7. Will I ever have a wedding that actually happens?

8. Will my heart stop aching over my cancelled wedding?

I think a lot of us go through life with questions and yesterday, I learned that questions are ok. I am being honest with God right now and taking the step to listen for his voice. I know that I am in a period of waiting and some of these answers might never come. Some of them might come soon...and some of them might come in 10 years time. I have no idea God's plan for me but I have some solace knowing I don't have to understand or like the things I am going through. It's ok to grieve things.

After church yesterday I went and grabbed some hummus and pita bread and took them to a favorite picnic table in T. Winkle Park. It is a peaceful spot away from everyone and I brought my Bible, my journal, and my Purpose Driven Life book. It is hard to see God's glory through this and it's hard to see his love but right now, He's all I have. Things are not perfect and my life is tough but I am clinging to the fact that I have been in low spots before and God has come through. I feel like right now the basic problem is that I have "cereal with no milk!" I have lost 100 lbs but can't quite lose the rest. I am in love with someone for the first time, yet he can't quite love me back. I have a great job as a nanny, but I can't quite make my bills. I am frustrated and I just want one thing to pan out. I am lost for what I really need right now so all I can do is just dwell in the safety of God's arms and remember...he is building character in me..not comfort!

Well that is where I am a mixed up place. Here are my learning and thankfulness for the last few days!

Learning March 5, 2005:

1. A lot of my control issues come from the fact I want to be everything my family is not.

2. I needed to get back in fellowship with other believers and find a place of refuge.

3. Claudia is one of the best friends I have known and a great mentor.

4. I love hearing from old friends and being able to pray over their lives.

5. It's amazing the things that happen in a 2 year span.

Learning March 6, 2005:

1. I am seriously in a lamenting phase in my walk with God.

2. Church feels so good and safe to me now.

3. I am learning about Grace and how much God loves me.

4. I have to stop thinking that everything has to be done yesterday.

5. God is a confusing person to me!

Thankfulness March 5, 2005:

I am thankful for being healthy enough to handle a situation that was very hard for me and do it in an adult manner. I am very proud of myself and am very thankful for the lessons I have learned in how to deal with my own weaknesses and others. I am thankful that I am no longer a controlling woman to men and even if someone calls me that, I know the truth! I am thankful to God for continued healing on my character.

Thankfulness March 6, 2005:

I am thankful for Rock Harbor, my current church. I love Rock Harbor and the people in it. I don't really know anyone but their hearts are so pure and it doesn't feel legalistic to me or like there is some kind of obligation to how holy you must be to be in the upper ranks of holiness. I am thankful for the praise and worship where I can be alone with God and give him my faithfulness. I am thankful for an awesome message that reached into my heart and taught me about myself. I am most thankful for God being there when I needed HIM yesterday!


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