Thursday, August 12, 2004

Having kids is officially hard

How is everyone in my blog land doing today? I am doing well but this day has been absolutely busy busy busy! I have Chris at the house right now so it's been scheduling conflicts all over the place. Today was grocery shopping day so it has been crazy for sure. I have decided that having kids is really one of the hardest jobs in the entire world. Being a therapist is going to be easy compared to this. I find myself thinking about him in the day and hoping he is making wise choices, eating well, and he's not sad. I worry about him constantly. I love the boy! I really do.

Some of you know me well enough to know I have really struggled with the idea of having children. I have always feared that I lacked a sense of maternal instinct. I have always felt that I didn't really have much of a "motherly" attitude and really found children unnecessary in my life. I have always liked them on the surface whether it be in babysitting or school or whatever but never thought I, myself, would really like the job. Well, I am here to tell you that in ways that little boy is changing my mind others...not so much.

I am very frustrated with the schedule right now of having to have him everywhere at one time and making sure everything is done or else. I really need to get together and learn him and his schedule for this to be better. The main thing I am noticing though is that it is completely rewarding and terrifying all at the same time. I mean, he is gorgeous and sweet and he is lovable. I love when he thanks me for something or I notice he is genuinely touched by my love for him. I am really hoping I help him to become the man that God wishes him to be. I really hope that when he looks back on his life, he remembers how much his nanny Erica loved him and that somehow he knows how much I pray for him. I am in love with him. I literally feel close to him already and it's only been about a month and 1/2. It's crazy how fast kids glue to you.

Overall, that was my main thought process today and I decided to share it with you. Now, I know that some of you are mommies and daddies and you know all about this already. I know that some of you are like "DUH ERICA" and think I am stupid for not wanting kids. Others of you are a lot like me. You wonder if you could handle it or if you are cut out for it. I am not telling anyone to go out and have kids if they don't want them but I officially know that if God were to give me children by the process that we all know causes them....I wouldn't be so sad. He is precious and has changed my heart about children.

My day today has been crazy but overall, well. I got an estimate on the cavie to have her headlight fixed today and it is a little steep to get done but she has an appointment on Saturday so I will officially not be illegal on Saturday evening. I am really happy about that as it's crazy not having a headlight. Please be praying that I will get some $$ in order to get the rest of the damages repaired on Cavie. I am sad that she is so bruised up. (Yes, she is a person to me!...don't laugh)

In other news, I am still carrying around my new turtle (his name is Joel). He is absolutely adorable and most of the time lives in my purse but likes to watch me type on my keyboard during the work day. He is great and by far my favorite new turtle. I told BIG Joel that I would carry him around and I don't think he believed me ...but we'll see JOEL! :)

I am still interested in someone new which is exciting to me. I know it sounds funny to update this daily but I lose interest fast. I am not saying I am attention deficit or anything like that but more like I am SO PICKY! I just have all of these standards about what a person is like in a relationship so I am very observant. I will tell you all that this man I met is one of the most interesting people I have met in a long time. He is intelligent, passionate, sweet, FUNNY, and completely down to Earth. I don't know where anything is going for sure because I am a woman of MUCH time but seriously, what a fun time getting to know an interesting man again. (Wait, when did it happen the first time?) ha ha Just kidding, I know a lot of interesting men but they are my guy-friends.

In my two biggest goals of life I have to tell you I have been getting off track. My first goal is to lose this 103 lbs and be healthy. Well, this week I have eaten ok and not exercise at all. I am really mad at myself and totally need to bust out some moves tonight. I have just been so tired and drained and ok...lazy and I haven't done it. My other big goal is to get financially independent and let's be honest, I work all the time so I guess I am doing that. I am really trying and being very frugal with money and that's something I need to learn.

Last night I went out to dinner with Josh for my birthday. He took me to Carl's Jr. because it's somewhere we both like to eat. We had a really great time just chatting and we always learn something from each other. He is a great asset to my life and I appreciate his love and friendship so much.

Big prayer request right now is that I need a second job starting early Sept. I am so nervous that I won't find one so can we please agree to pray together. I need a job bad!!!! I am really hoping for Newport Beach library to call me or this other job that was available for an office position. I am really concerned though and could use some prayer!

Ok, I think I have blabbed enough today but this is a catch everyone up day. This is what's going on with me and I could use some peace and quiet for a few days. This weekend I am planning on getting Cavie fixed, resting by reading some of Atlas Shrugged, and taking Jaylie bowling. Looking forward to bowling since I LOVE IT! OK, well I am out but as always ~Shalom~

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