Saturday, February 19, 2005

down but not out!

Good Morning everyone. It is a very dreary Saturday here in So. Cal. The rain was coming down all night and I heard a storm "a-brewing" while I was sleeping. Sorry, I had to use that phrase, it made me feel at home for a second. I sleep so well when it rains and storms. That is probably due to my upbringing in the land of tornadoes back home. My sleep is always deep and uninterrupted. I can't complain since I have been sleeping rather well lately. My exercise habits and working a lot are making me crash pretty early and crash excessively hard.

Today, I come into the blog with bad news for me. Today is weigh in for me always. Saturdays are my start over day. This morning I got on the scale and had gained back 3 of the pounds I had lost. I am very upset by this as I went to the gym literally every day this week. I have been lifting weights and I have to believe that some of this is muscle gain but it bums me out. If I was to be honest with my blogging public, I am having a hard time. I have good exercise habits and really enjoy working out. I go to the gym every day because I am paying for it and always do cardio and something else. (namely weights or stationary bike) I know what my real problem is though. It's my eating habits.

This week I have not been a good eater. I have struggled so hard with foods that are what I light foods. I have eaten birthday cake, pizza, greek food, koo koo roos and although most of those things are good for me, they are not good in the amounts I take them in. Last night it took everything I had not to go upstairs and have a snack after dinner. I wasn't hungry or I would have had to go and eat something. I just wanted to have the taste of food in my mouth. I am struggling hard with eating and to be honest, I always have.

This is the reason I used to be 200 lbs overweight. I used to drink sodas every single day, eat more than one sandwich at McDonalds at a time, eat only things that were greasy, fried, sugared, or covered in gravy, etc... and it really tore my body up. Today, I eat considerably better by only drinking water, eating no fried foods, limiting my intake of red meat, and eating much more vegetables and fruits. I am telling you, I need to learn what to do about this weight. I am frustrated and find myself back at 241 lbs. I was 238 last week. I know that I can chalk some of it to muscle gain but not 3 lbs.

I really want to meet my goal this year. I want to be able to get on the scale and be under 200 lbs. It's so hard when you work so hard to see no results. I know that my eating habits could be considerably better and I am going to try to work on that this week. My exercise probably needs to be pumped up a bit too and I could supplement the gym with some other workout at my house. I have to be honest, I don't want to overdo it and end up in plateau valley again. I have been dangling between 230-240 for a long time now and I really need to get back down and show this weight who is boss!

My title is "Down but not out" because this news of gaining weight really made me sad this morning but instead of crying about it, getting angry, or giving up...I am going to adjust my habits again and find a way to change my life and weight. I have no ability to stay fat any longer. I have places to go and people to see. I don't want to live my life in this fat suit! Please pray for me everyone as this is the hardest thing I have ever set myself to get done. I can do it though, I know I can!

Thanks for listening and here are my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning February 18, 2005:

1. I heard yesterday that I had a nice speaking voice. I have never heard that before so I am happy to report it.

2. I am finally to the point where settling on any man except the ONE out of the question. YEAH :)

3. Yesterday I stumbled upon the news that there is 17 registered sex offenders in my area and that made me feel really unsafe.

4. I am not happy with ever being told to do something at the last minute or being disrespected. I need to look into this a little further.

5. In the last year, I have learned a lot about boundaries and I am now realizing how well I am taking care of my needs and my heart.

Thankfulness February 18, 2005:

I am thankful for scrapbooking. It makes me feel good inside and reflect on good memories. It also helps me get my creative energy out even though I am not terribly artistic. It makes me be able to find one more thing that I like about myself and gives me a chance to be alone and really enjoy it. Scapbooking is tons of fun for me and I am excited about giving this hobbie all of me and pouring myself into the pages of this book. I am excited to show all of you my new creation! :)


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