Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Erica's Memoirs

Isn't memoirs a funny word? I think it's funny. It's strange how people write books just going over their thoughts and I do it every day. I have been considering actually writing a book about what I am going through on the whole, but who would read it? Would all of you who read my blog, read my book? I don't know! I think a lot less people read than before. I don't know when BEFORE is but I know less people read today! I noticed this week that I read a lot. I read books for fun, books to learn, books on cd, etc... I just love literature as a whole.

I am not doing so well people. I am not sad, depressed, anxious, nervous, hurt, etc...but I can't put my finger on what I am. Usually, I can come up with some fancy word to describe my innermost feelings. Today, I am having a hard time doing it. I feel content with where I am in life but overwhelmingly ready to change it. I feel tired and exhausted but extremely energetic about some things. I feel sad about being alone but extremely grateful for being alone. I have no idea what is wrong with me, but it's odd. See, if I was writing my memoirs, you might have put down the book right there.

My sub-goals idea was really great for the first couple of days but I noticed I have been slacking. Yesterday I only accomplished 2 of the 4 goals. That isn't good when you only have 4 goals a day. I need to figure out what it is going to take for me to really get things done in life. Most people see me as really driven and focused and successful because I have a great job, a college degree, and some sort of mental health on the rise. I am everything that is opposite of that. I have the nature of a sloth. I like to lay in my undies and read books and eat cookies. Chocolate chip cookies if you got em!

I like to eat fried chicken and mashed potatoes and then take a 3 hour nap only to wake up and eat it again. I am not the health buff that I am living my life to be. I am not the energetic person that gets up in the morning and goes to the gym for an hour. I am living this life because it is the only good life for me to live, but it doesn't come natural. Isn't it funny that not only in our life do we have a sin nature that makes obeying God difficult but we also have a lazy nature that makes living a healthy and productive life completely unnatural. I was thinking about this today as I wrote someone an email and told them "the story." Most of you know the story I am talking about. The story of the day when I realized my weight was out of control.

There was such a time where I woke up and realized I was dying of being obese. Today, I am not dying. I am getting better. I am still morbidly obese and over 100 lbs overweight. I still have health problems that are contributed to my over zealous eating habits from the past. I still have the desire deep within me to consume mass quanities of fried and/or sugary food. I still want to lay in my undies (and do quite often) reading a book and eating cookies. I still want to do NOTHING with my life but have mashed potatoes spooned into my mouth by a really attractive man. I don't know...my nature is that of a giant loser! At least I know it, right?

Isn't it funny that if we really got serious and told on ourselves for our habits and actual desires, we would not like who we are. We must embrace this people! I have figured out that to truly change the parts of you...you don't like...you have to know about them and accept them. I accept with every fiber of my being that I am a total fatty loser. I also accept that God has taken me outside of myself and taught me new skills and everyday by my own character and virtue and God's strength, I beat that old girl up! Gosh, nothing comes naturally!

Ok, so yesterday my goals didn't go as planned so today, I write down my goals in the hopes of me actually achieving them. Here they are:

1. Pray 30 minutes, read 1 chapter of gospels, no profanity all day (yes, before you ask, this is a problem I have..accept it)

2. Write a journal entry about the things I like about my dad (a tough one as I barely know him as of right now)

3. Work out 45 minutes on treadmill and do something else at the gym : already did this one today. I did the treadmill and then spent 2 miles on the stationary bike. I love that thing!

4. Read one chapter of book "Authentic Happiness"

Ok, I must share this great experience that happened at the gym this morning because it started my thinking on these things. I was working out on the treadmill as always and ...as always...this hottie Mexican guy who cleans the treadmills came over and cleaned my treadmill while I was on it. I was like "Woh, Paco, I think you are supposed to wait until I am off." I didn't say this, just thought it. So then he smiles (like everyday) and winks at me and I smile back thinking "Is this Indiana Hoosier's shirt really that hot?" (SHOUT OUT TO MY INDIANA HOMIES)

So anyway, he makes me feel good about myself so I continue my walk listening to Ellen's new book. I then decide the stationary bike is my next goal when I get off this blasted treadmill. I walk over the bike area and notice that they are surprisingly cleared out this morning. I am happy about this and pick the bike exactly where the fan hits. I then pump my own personal bike fan up to high and start to pedal my way to nowhere. Just then a cute (but white) 24 fitness guy comes over and he is a personal trainer. He walks by, makes eye contact with me and says nicely "I see a difference." I say "What?" and he repeats but adds a little..."I see a difference since you first came in, you're looking good" Again, this Indiana shirt is my ticket to hotties!

I start to feel good and the guy begins to ask me "fitness questions" like what are your goals and how far have you gotten. I share with him how I have shed a mere 100 lbs and he gasps and says..wow, great job! I then realize, YEAH IT IS! So this other random guy on bike in front of me starts talking about how I am to be revered and respected for how far I have come and how dedicated I am. I think to myself "Self, (shirley) you are as lazy as the rest of the world and you have done it..give yourself a pat on the back"

I finish my stint on the bike and decide it's time to go home and get to work on other goals. I say goodbye to my new friend on the bike, wink at my hottie Mexican who is emptying the trash can and talk briefly to my new personal trainer guy ...in whom I have forgotten his name. I can't ever remember a white guy! Hmmm...

Anyway, that's it. I am done. I have typed enough. My wrists hurt...I am shutting up..NOW Learning and thankfulness ahead:

Learning February 15, 2005:

1. Karate moves are a lot like dancing and require rhythm and percision. They are cool.

2. I think I need to take Karate in order to learn some discipline and structure.

3. I am falling to sleep at about 10:00 nowadays so I am either 85 or 5..not sure which.

4. I love payday!

5. Chris is learning to be more grateful and affirm people and I am proud of me teaching him that!

Thankfulness February 15, 2005:

I am thankful for noticing my mistakes and being smart enough to move on from them. Although I am not the perfect person, I do notice when I have messed up. I am hoping although I still posess all the makings of a loser, that I outgrow it by pure determination to not be one. Thank you God for my drive to quit being lazy and thank you Erica for acknowleding your failures (talking to self here...must stop drinking)

This is a funny post today, hope you laughed a little

~Shalom~

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