Saturday, February 26, 2005

My private journal

Hello everyone and happy Saturday. Today is my weigh in day and I am surprised that I maintained this week at 241 lbs. I ate horrible this week as well as started weight training so I figured I might gain. I am happy that I didn't though! Oh well, onto a losing week.

Today's title is "My private journal" because I decided to talk to you about my private journal. My blog is deep inside thoughts that I choose to share with others in the hopes that my thoughts and feelings will help some of you grapple with your own. I have a private journal as well. It's currently a red book with empty lined pages in it that I spill to every once in a while. I would be lying to say that I write in it daily although there have been stints of time where I had to. I write in it at no certain schedule and whenever I need to tell someone something very hard or very secret. I don't want to disclose my personal items to any human so I tell my journal and I feel accomplished in "getting it out."

Lately my private journal has been a friend to me. I have had many situations where I didn't feel confident telling another human about my problem, my feelings, or my actions. I would encourage anyone who has a problem with sharing things too much (like myself) to grab a journal (only about $5.00 at Borders) and start writing. I started my journal writing on April 3, 2004 and it continues today. It's the same book so obviously I don't write everyday but it's just about full. I feel accomplished knowing I have almost kept a journal for a full year. I can read back and see what I was doing at any given time and where my heart was in the healing of things.

I look back at those days and laugh sometimes and other times I cry. At times I am proud of myself for things achieved and seeing that I got through one of the hardest days I have ever had. The other night I was reading back through my journal and found a page where I wrote about my desire to kill myself. I would normally not share this with my blogging public but today, I felt it might help someone. I am usually a joyful person no matter what is happening in my life. That day I was at the end of my rope. I was at the peak of saddness and lonliness. I was struggling to maintin my breath not to mention any sense of dignity or self respect.

I was struggling with a decision I had made that I felt God has asked me to make. I was struggling with running back to this sin and doing it because it made me comfortable. The uncomfortable silence of God that day made me want to cut my life short. I told my journal how if I had some kind of certainty that my family and friends would be alright, I would do it without a second thought. I should mention here that I had never been in that place before and haven't been there since but man, that day was the hardest one I have seen.

I remember and read of what pulled me out of that funk. I had a friend who was willing to sit up with me until the wee hours of the morning (even though this friend had an early class the next day) and just remind me of my worth in God and that it was one day on a map of a million days and I would be stronger in the morning. That friend was right. About a year later, I can tell you....I am healing at a rapid rate about this hurt. I have my God, my friends, and myself to thank. I wanted to share that with you all knowing that most of you have probably been here at some point in your life and I urge you to talk to someone or write it out. Later, you will be amazed at God's love for you!

Well that's what I had on my heart to share today. Enjoy my learning and thankfulness for the last few days:

Learning February 24, 2005:

1. I do well in interviews, I just wish my availablity was better.

2. Autism is so interesting to me and I am going to start researching it.

3. I learned some new information about Eastern Orthodox today and I am going to look into that as a denomination.

4. Piano tuning is fun to watch because you go from hearing sour notes to hearing a beautiful song played at the end.

5. I love piano music and can't wait to learn anything on my own.

Learning February 25, 2005:

1. I am an interesting girl who can keep people on their toes. (Someone told me this)

2. My honesty is refreshing as well as hurtful at times (Again, said by someone else)

3. I have undergone a lot of changes in the past year.

4. I really like people who are humorous and care about me.

5. I learned something new and it made me really happy!

Thankfulness February 24, 2005:

I am thankful for the experience of a great theological talk with the piano tuner (Bruce). He is Eastern Orthodox and we talked about God and religion for the entire hour he was tuning. It was such an interesting discussion and he affirmed my strength in hearing a lot of my story and testimony. The truth is, I am a strong girl and I learned that from Bruce and I am thankful for God placing that discussion in my life.

Thankfulness February 25, 2005:

I am thankful for a talk I had with a new friend, Terrence. Terrence is really attractive and basically very much my type. We have been dating just recently. He is a really great guy and we had a long conversation where I learned new things about him and things that really motivate him. I am hoping that if nothing else, I can encourage him in his dreams and affirm his personality and talents. God has blessed me with a lot of new friends!


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