Sunday, February 27, 2005

Over and over again

Good Sunday Afternoon everyone. Today I sit in a place of frustration. I like to really tell the blog exactly what is going on and exactly the person I am. Authenticity has been a huge word in 2005 and I am trying to get there. Today brings me to a place of being tired of myself. I am frustrated with living in my own skin. I am angry with some of my mistakes and how I constantly make them. I have a serious issue with self-control. This is an aspect of myself that I have to work on in little bitty baby steps. I have virtually no self-control and because of that, I try to control the rest of the world. I even have no self-control in being controlling.

If I had to get down to the fundamental problem with me, it would be the word control. Control has been an issue for me since I was a little girl. In my home, there were several levels of abuse happening and when you are an abused child or someone who sees a lot of abuse, you try to gain control in any area that will sit still. I have tried to gain control in school, friendships, relationships, jobs, etc... I can't gain enough control to ever satisfy myself at this point though. I know that is because I feel like if I have control over a situation, it can't hurt me. There is a level of risk in life that I don't know how to take.

The other side of this coin is that I have no ability (or at least haven't up until this point) to control myself. This applies to areas of boys, food, exercise, discipline, procrastination, anger, verbal outbursts and the list goes on. I can't (or haven't) control my way of being. It's like, I can pretend to control all of the factors in my life but when you get down to it...I have no self-control. This is one of my hugest goals upon figuring this out. I need to gain control of my own actions. This is a fruit of the spirit that I don't possess.

I think the first plan in this problem is to really examine what self-control consists of. I am not sure the biblical view of it or even the psychological view of it. I am going to seek some godly counsel on it by going to a few trusted mentors and also a friend or two and discussing the concept of self-control. I need to just tell people how I am. I am afraid that this will affect our relationships but overall, if it does...this is me letting go of some control again.

Since my first plan is to seek out advice, I really need to pray for God to help me weed out the things that he needs me to hear about self-control. It might be hard for me to hear and it will most likely be hard for me to inact but I am willing and able to hear. I would like for everyone I pursue to be honest and open in telling me how to work with some of the things I am struggling with. I am going to be very careful in choosing the people to speak into my life about this specific subject.

My second plan of action is to gather all of the information that I have obtained and really look it over and look into my own heart. If someone tells me that I have a problem with something, I want to look that over and consider its truth. I want to really get to the bottom of why this problem is here and how I can attack it from all angles. I am ashamed that I have no control over myself. I am ashamed that I listen to every urge and craving and obey them promptly. I am ashamed that I deny myself happiness and joy in my spiritual life by allowing those urgings and cravings to control my every action.

Some of these self-control issues are very embarassing and somewhat intimidating. They are hard for me to confront or even admit. I have a hard time even admitting them to myself. I know that my life should not reflect most of the things that it does. I am not happy about the woman I am and for that reason, my life is constantly under the microscope. This blog is a extension of the work that is constantly going on inside of me. I am a person who believes in self-improvement. I am always working to achieve that next goal of being a better Erica.

Right now, I sit at a place of wanting a change and uncertainty of how to do it. I am going to immediately seek help in this aspect by asking people for advice and opening my heart up to accountability. I am seriously overwhelmed with this problem and just need to find a little light at the end of this self-control tunnel. Until then, please pray that I find the right people to talk to and that they understand this problem and hear God's voice to help guide me. Please also pray for strength because I will need it.

Here are my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning February 26, 2005:

1. I have no self-control and hate myself for it.

2. I still have a problem with anger when it comes and need to get back out the anger journal.

3. I have learned some serious lessons about boundaries and am starting to show some improvement in that respect.

4. The sound of one man's voice still makes my heart leap!

5. I am still very sad about Adolfo and I wish I could just be over it.

Thankfulness February 26, 2005:

I am thankful for my new hobbies and the things I use to get to know myself. I am currently doing a lot of new things in my life like reading different kinds of literature, studying psychology more, scrapbooking, organizing, meeting new people, etc...and they are growing me up as a person. I like spending time with myself and I am trying to learn that I am my best friend without isolating myself. I am thankful that I have come so far since starting this journey. I am thankful for a year of growth! Thank you God and thank you to all of my friends who have helped and thank you Erica :)

~Shalom~

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