Perfection.

Ok, first of all let me apologize for that crazy display of love and affection last night on the blog. I would erase it but I have made a promise to myself that whatever I post on the blog, I won't change because that means I meant it. It's good to have outbursts of emotion sometimes. In any case, I am just going to put those feelings away and allow God to deal with them.

Today brings me to a place of complete and utter organization. I am one of those people that finds delight in washing and putting away dishes, doing the laundry and folding it perfectly, and filing away stacks of paperwork. I detest disorganization and any place that brings it, makes me very uneasy. I think that sometimes I might have a hint of OCD. I have been educated enough in the field to know that I lack some major symptoms of it. I don't do compulsive things like flick the light switch a certain number of times or clean my hands obsessively but I would regard what I do as complete and terribly scary perfectionism.

Perfectionistic people are hard to understand. For me, it's a matter of wanting everything to be perfect and if it can't be, I would rather not do it at all. I am so displeased with mediocrity that it literally makes my stomach hurt. When I start a task, I won't finish it unless I find it to be perfect. This even goes hand in hand with my blog and web-site. My blog has to be in order and I have to do it daily. If I don't, I go back and cover the day that I missed. My web-site has to be perfect in that I update it daily and fine tune it all the time. My communication with my friends is so particular that I make sure and call every week and make sure I left the last voicemail.

My perfectionistic tendencies sometimes are a complete blessing. This is when I am in school and my papers are, to the letter, perfect. When I am always early for an appointment. When I always wear my seatbelt and take all precautions and measures to never forget anything. When I have a very organized planner that tells me where I am supposed to be, etc...

These same tendencies can tear me up inside though. For example, I try to be perfect in relationships and that isn't even possible. When I was with Adolfo, I felt the need for us to be the perfect couple. I felt like if we weren't, we at least had to project that facade in the public arena. That made for a very fake and miserable relationship and Adolfo was perfectly happy with being mediocre and sometimes I wished for that quality.

Another example of this really hurting me is my drive to accomplish something. I have been trying to find a job recently and my job search is of course, organized. I want to find a perfect job that will want me at the perfect time and will teach me skills that will be perfect for my future. I might have to settle for something less than that. Also, I do this same thing with my psychology passion. I am so organized about learning every detail of the psychology field that I often forget why I am doing it.

I find that my perfection is something really great and really a curse. I know that almost all strengths that a person has, can be made into a weakness if brought to excess. I think I have allowed my desire to be great, to override my action to be great. I find myself really aggravated when things are any less than perfect. I find myself really annoyed at lack of communication or the least thought that someone might be angry, displeased, or upset with me. It's time for me to use this quality for the things it is good for.

My life with God will NEVER be perfect and for that reason, I have to grab ahold of being the best Erica I can be instead of better than anyone else. It's so aggravating to have this "disease" of always having to be just RIGHT! I am sorry to anyone who has had to deal with my perfectionism and has been completely annoyed by it. Believe me, it's not always great for me either.

Anyway, that is what is on my mind today. I must go and apply for some jobs and clean my room and organize my cds (laughing out loud) but have a great day and enjoy my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning February 6, 2005:

1. I am in love for the first time in my life and it really doesn't matter.

2. Friendships can be complicated on their own but I have a way of adding way more complication to everything.

3. I miss my girls and I find that my girl friends are what I crave right now.

4. I love getting a picture of Hailey on my phone and being able to see her when I can't reach them!

5. I clean and organize even more when I am upset or feel remorse.

Thankfulness February 6, 2005:

I am thankful that I didn't watch even one second of the Super Bowl. I have nothing against football and I wouldn't mind watching it had it not been a staple of my last relationship. I was so happy yesterday to be able to just ignore the fact that the game was even on. I didn't go near the tv, talk about it, or listen to the radio about it. I love the fact that I am no longer feeling forced to like things that others like to get their approval. I see nothing wrong in participating in something your partner likes but when your life revolves around sports, give your girl a break. I don't miss the super bowl or the half time show where someone shows a body part. THANK GOD FOR NO SUPER BOWL! :)

~Shalom~