Tuesday, February 01, 2005

tears and their purpose

I have been crying a lot lately. I know that I am female and all of my guy friends that are reading this are thinking, "Erica, you cry all the time!" I know that's mostly true but I have been really crying a lot and hurting a lot lately. I know what it is going on in my heart and it saddens me. I miss Adolfo. I don't miss the bad relationship or being out of the will of God by being engaged to him. I miss his friendship. I miss his smile, his hug, and mostly his encouraging words. I miss his companionship and the way he made me feel inside. I miss all of the fun times we had going to the beach, shopping, cooking together, eating together, going to the zoo, going to museums, learning new things about each other, watching a movie together, etc... The list continues being that I was with this man for 6 years. Adolfo and I are no longer friends. We have not spoken for the last month and it's disheartening. I had been really pursuing the friendship with him and totally putting my all into us getting healed and being able to be happy for each other. Adolfo didn't deem it necessary I guess because he gave up on me. I know that he feels I gave up on him when I left the relationship but that just isn't the case. I miss a man that I loved very much and I miss him so badly, it literally aches in my heart.

I am in a grieving period for sure and to be honest, I have needed to grieve this for some time. Adolfo and I broke up almost a year ago. (A year on V-day) I think back at this time last year and think of how my heart felt. I was torn. I was not in love with the man I was engaged to, looking around in all directions for meaning and purpose, and mostly, falling for someone else. I admit on here and to the world that I was a horrible girlfriend, a terrible fiance, and close to being a horrible no good wife. Adolfo believed in me when noone else did. He saw me through some of the toughest days I would ever see. He was beside me when I found out my grandpa had passed away and he didn't freak out when I became a basket case. He was with me on the phone when I was horrified that I had just had been hit by a man. He was with me in times when I was broken over the relationship I didn't have with my dad at the time. He was standing beside me at my grandma's casket (with tears streaming down his face) knowing that I was hurting more about us not reconciling than about her being gone. He was my best friend. He was my everything.

As I sit in the chair weeping right now, I realize how much I miss this man. I miss everything he was to me. I am sad that he doesn't view me as someone worthy to be in his life anymore and then the other part of me, is proud of him for standing up for himself and not allowing me to hurt him anymore. I think about how it used to be to put my head in the area right on his shoulder by his neck and feel at home. Right now, I would feel like I couldn't even hug him. Sometimes you feel like you have entered a new place with someone where you are no longer welcome. That is how I feel when I used to be the woman who held his heart. Gosh, I hurt! I am aching inside. I am lost and lonely and dying.

Anyway, this is getting a bit (yeah, only a bit Erica?) personal. I have to stop this post because I need to go and cry and pray a bit. I am sad and sorry to all of the people I have been hurting lately through my grief. I do not like Erica today!

A small little note to end this: Goodbye to a"friend" of mine. I wish it could have been different but since it isn't, enjoy your life without me! :(

Have a great day everyone and here are my learning experiences and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning January 31, 2005:

1. I miss my family so much it hurts me because they are hurting right now as a whole.

2. I appreciate compliments on my cooking, it brings me a feeling of worth.

3. ADHD kids without medication make me want to put a pen in my eyeball and swirl it around.

4. "The Bronze Bow" --a children's book is actually based on Daniel and Joel in the Bible, Chris is reading it now, it's pretty cool

5. Sometimes you really love someone, but it's not enough!

Thankfulness January 31, 2005:

I am thankful for a talk with Joel. Joel makes me say everything out loud although he doesn't mean to. Sometimes all he has to say is "how are you?" and I begin to think of how welcoming he is and I tell him my whole heart. Yesterday he listened to me talk about how I am empty and lost and feel like I want to move away from California but not move back to Indiana. He was listening intently and could relate to my feelings. I love Joel and every minute that God allows me to have with him, I will cherish. Thank you dear friend and mostly, Thank you God!


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