Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Hanging in the balance

Have you ever woke up in the morning just scared at where you lie? I have! Have you ever wondered what is to come of you? I have. Have you ever thought that maybe your life was just a game of russian roulette? I have. I am feeling all of these things today! I am in a very interesting mood with all of the million things going on in my life. I have so much on my plate but really nothing at all so plenty of time to think about it. As you all know, I am currently seeking out a second job. I have been to a few interviews and posted my resume in a million places and called on jobs in the classifieds and so far, nothing. I have to trust that God has a perfect plan in all of this suffering but I am having a hard time seeing it.

On other news as well, you are all probably aware that Adolfo and I have almost been apart a year. As the big day approaches I realize to myself that it's not only a year from losing a person I loved very much but also Valentines Day. There is a saddness that reigns over this day for me like no other. I don't have a person to spend my V-day with so it's just me and the books. I know that's pathetic and maybe I should get a date for V-day but something inside of me is so sick of dating people that only feel a CHEMISTRY with me physically. Yeah, well you can feel that with anyone! Gosh, I am so angry on this topic!

I can't wait for the man that God has for me because he must be great for all the heartbreak and waiting I feel like I am going through. I know that a lot of people go through heartbreak and waiting and they get through it just fine to find Mr. Wonderful on the other side. Something inside of me is telling me that he just isn't out there. Men want a woman who is weak willed and small it seems. I don't mean small in size because my weight isn't the issue. Men want someone who can't be the way I am. I am so strong and so much to handle that many people just feel a physical or friendship connection with me and could never love me. It's disturbing and starting to make me sad and depressed.

I always open up really well on this blog and kinda throw my heart out there but I feel like if I don't say what's on my mind, I might explode. There is so much going on in my heart and mind right now. I can't even describe some of the pain that is coursing through my body and heart. I have met a lot of people recently that are really good people but are people that have that physical or friendship connection with me and nothing else. I know this sounds horrible but I have ENOUGH guy friends! I love my boys and am growing to love these 2 new boys but seriously, I have enough! I really need to get back to focusing on building strong female relationships.

I am horrible at female relationships and some of you know why. It's a really hard thing for me to trust females and if you are a female in my life, you are exceptionally lucky that I trust you. If I didn't trust you, you wouldn't have this blog address! For those of you females out there reading this, I love you very much. Thank you for the friendship that you provide me. It's good stuff!

So, at this point in my life, here is the plan. I always have a plan but this plan isn't my plan. It's God's! I am going to start over on this quest for meaningful female and male relationships. I am going to stop focusing so hard on finding Mr. Right and start appreciating the men in my life and what they bring to my life. So what, they don't love me romantically...almost all of them LOVE me! I am going to stop letting anyone see the physicality and make them get to know my heart. If they don't want to know my heart...get to steppin! I am going to stop having meaningless conversations with people who don't love or appreciate me. I am going to start focusing on my stability in God and become the beautiful woman of God that I used to strive for and continue making myself more and more focused. I am going to fall in love with the only man worth my time right now, JESUS CHRIST!

To all of my guys; here is my note to each of I sit and ponder life...

Joel: You are amazing and I gave you my heart so long ago. Thank you for being my every need in a friend. You are always there for me and I won't forget it. I love you dear boy!

Jarrid: Is there any way that any man could be stronger? No, I don't think so. Thank you for being my protector and my partner in crime! I love you!

Josh: How I miss you! As you sit in London a million miles from me, I still feel like we are close. Thanks for being in my heart and always telling me what I need to hear!

Jason: You are new to me but precious nonetheless. Thanks for being sensitive yet abrasive, hard ...yet so soft, gorgeous yet such a nerd! I am going to enjoy you! Welcome to my life! Thanks for bringing more of God into it!

Kevin: Again, new, but wonderful. You are an image of godliness and I appreciate that. Thank you for reminding me who I am in Christ! You always make me feel beautiful and for that, I thank you. I am gonna love you soon kid!

and last but certainly not least...

Steven: How special you will always be! I have enjoyed our times together and more so our talks. You are precious and have much to offer the right lady! It's been a blast and we will continue to be friends and connected as long as I breathe! Thanks sweety!

Well, that is my note to my boys that I appreciate regardless if they LOVE me. I need to remember that sometimes the love that my boys have for me, is better than any romantic love could be right now! Thank you guys!

My next post will be the catching up of my learning experiences and thankfulness for the last few days. Enjoy and I love you all ~Shalom~

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