Thursday, January 06, 2005

I hate being sick!

Good evening everyone. I wrote earlier about the last few days as I haven't been able to be online with all that I had to do to get caught up with being home again. I have developed a pretty bad kidney infection now and my back is killing me. I am bummed because I hate being sick. It always throws my exercise routine down the toliet. I think I am going to tough it out and work out tonight anyway. I have goals to meet!

Things are pretty great considering I have no second job, a kidney infection, and little to no money! I think this is where you find out what authentic happiness really is. When you can find happiness in the pit of despair, you have arrived. I have a lot of things to get done and I am so tired from having this infection. I slept a lot today trying to catch up but have you noticed that there is no way to do that?

So, to update you on my trip to Indiana, it went well but entirely too long. I have decided that the adequate time period to stay in Indiana is exactly one week. I won't be back there until May though so I will recover before I will have to do it again. California is a great place for me and really does give me all that my heart desires....well maybe not all...but close.

I have been thinking lately about being authentic. I was talking with a friend last night and told him some pretty huge things about myself that I have never told anyone else. I think it's time to share my heart on here. I don't usually hide things but this specific thing ....breaks me. A long time ago in a land far away (1980, Mitchell, Indiana) a little girl was born but was only raised by one parent. My mom raised me virtually alone with the help of my grandparents here and there. Well, she really made it clear that I was to grow up and be independent and never take anything from any MAN! Looking back...that little tidbit of parental wisdom...really messed me up.

I have spent years trying to be the biggest and best Erica that I can be and now all I really want to do is share my life with someone special and be cherished. Don't get me wrong, I really love psychology and it is my passion to the absolute max. I love reading about it, learning it, enacting it etc.. but something in me just wants the dream of having a husband and children. I know you all just had your jaw drop in amazment but I envy people who are in love, married, and have children to raise. I know that a lot of people envy me because I am single, independent, smart, and live in Southern California but there is more to life than all of that.

I was thinking of how if I don't get my mind right, I am going to be a very successful therapist who lives with her dogs. I don't like cats as much as dogs so I picked dogs there. I long for a relationship with a beautiful man of God. I long for someone to look at me with longing and respect coupled together for once. I really want to share my life with someone and stop being so bent on forming some kind of female icon in myself. I really just want to love and be loved.

Wow, vulnerability has officially taken root on the good old blog! So anyway, those are my current thoughts. I have a lot of other current thoughts but I have bared enough of my soul this evening. Now for my learning experiences of the day and of course..what I am thankful for!

Learning January 6, 2005:

1. A kidney infection is inevitable when you NEVER drink Coffee and then have a white chocolate mocha.

2. I have drank right around 4,000,000,000 ounces of water today and I could drink even more because my kidneys are in pain.

3. Texting someone can actually be fun and exhilirating. It's amazing how I feel when a text message comes through from someone special

4. People do want to know me and find ways to see inside me even though I often try to hide the most vulnerable parts of myself.

5. God is always loving me and its in the depths of despair that I feel his love the greatest and it often shows through my friends!

January 6, 2005 thankful....

Today I am thankful for good food. I know this sounds awful being that I am in the middle of a weight loss battle but it will make sense in a minute. I am actually thankful for my basic necessities of life being taken care of. I am a nanny in Newport Beach as most of you know and Richard takes care of my housing, food, cable, internet, utilities, plus pays me! My life is delightful here and he also makes sure and thanks me every day for being a great nanny. I think I am thankful for Richard today. Richard is the best boss and really does care about me and provide a calm and peaceful home for me that I have never experienced. I am happy to live here with he and Chris and I am just so thankful that I have this great job and this great experience. It's overwhelmingly wonderful living here and over and over...I am thankful!!!

Well I should get going but thanks for stopping in and ~Shalom~

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