Saturday, January 22, 2005

Spinning into a spiral of depression

The horrible thing about being a psych major is that you know when you are screwed up. Today is Saturday and to Erica...that = weigh in day. I got up this morning and I was completely excited to get on the scale. I have worked out every day this week. I haven't eaten perfectly...ok lets be honest, some days I downright ate badly but I had worked out everyday so I was sure I would at least lose 1-2 lbs. Well, NOT!!!! I gained 2 lbs this week. I am so sad right now and I have realized that I am completely done with being obese. It is wrecking my life in about 2 million ways. I have no idea how to live any more in this fat shell. I know this sounds harsh and I am probably the most unhealthy today as I have ever been about losing this weight but I am so frustrated. It's like I work so hard, and achieve nothing. This week I am going to kick this weight's butt but I am warning my blogging public, If I don't ...I am scared of what I might feel like doing.

I have gotten to the point to where an eating disorder sounds like the only way to go. Being diabetic really challenges me daily but moreso when we delve into the world of fat-loss. I have no idea how to make this work. I lost over 100 lbs at one time and now I have gotten to the point where I have to graze on grass and exercise like crazy or I don't even lose one pound. Now a lot of people that I have talked to have mentioned that I am probably gaining muscle since I am running and (says in a whiny voice) muscle weighs more than fat. It's hard to get your very unhealthy mind and self esteem to believe that. In my head, I just say, "Nah, it's the pizza I ate." I feel like at this point that I can't even enjoy food. I don't drink anything but water, I don't eat pork products, I limit my intake of red meat, etc...and yet...I gain weight.

My life is getting to be a huge disappointment. I am going through this trial membership at 24 hour fitness that is keeping me working out daily and then I am joining the gym next week full time so that my body can start to get used to being healthy. I realize that the man goal is for me to be healthy and I am getting there but there is a part of me inside that just wants to look great in a dress or a swimsuit or just to myself. I would appreciate your prayers for my mind right now as it's really distorted and my heart as it is breaking from loss of effort.

I really miss my friends right now because they are all over the place. Heather and Josh are in England, Joel is up north, my other friends are in Indiana, Hannah is always busy, etc...and I am lonely and starving for some encouragement. I am so sad right now I can barely do anything on this blog but complain. Anyway, I will close the post for today since it's getting depressing. Have a beautiful day everyone and here are my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning January 21, 2005:

1. I CAN do 4 miles on the treadmill even if my body doesn't want to do it.

2. You can't listen to the same cd 3 work out days in a row without getting sick of it.

3. I really like the show "Queer Eye for the Straight Girl" ...I need a makeover!

4. I really miss my friends right now and could use a night out with any of them!

5. I am a good interviewer however it's hard to find the right job!

Thankfulness January 21, 2005:

I am thankful for an interview that I had yesterday that built my confidence a bit. I had an interview with a company that wanted to hire me, however, it wasn't the right fit with Christopher's schedule. Being asked to work there was nice though because it built some confidence in me for the next interviews. I am also thankful because I have a meeting with Kimco Staffing on Tuesday of next week and they think they will be able to find me a receptionist/assistant position in no time. Let's pray that is true. Thank you God for my work skills and making me look good on paper!

People, please pray for me! I need it ~Shalom~

No comments: