Regrets...

Good afternoon peeps! I hope this day brings you much peace and happiness. As for me, I am not at peace in the least. I have been living outside of God's will pretty badly in the past month or so just because my heart is longing for more. I know ideally it would have been wise to seek after that MORE ..with God but instead I sought it out in attention as always. It doesn't help to be self-actualized sometimes if you don't know where to start to change your bad behaviors.

Last night, I learned a valuable lesson. I can't go into specifics because it would damage another person and their reputation but I can say that I really learned a lot about virtue and concrete caring for another person. Today I sit in complete regret over a lot of behaviors and over a lot of stupidity. I sit thinking about what I want and what I need and see the two coinciding finally. I am trying to be the most authentic person that I can in 2005 and it is becoming increasingly difficult.

God is so amazing and will love you regardless of your actions or words but people, won't! People give up on you and leave you in the trenches. People are flawed and crazy to be honest. People will do things with you and then blame you for them. People will stand in the light of mistake and not deal with it head on. My goal is to deal with everything in 2005 in complete aunthenticity and learn exactly what it is that Erica wants. I am going to list 5 things I want today in order to get myself to reread them and direct my behavior accordingly.

1. I want to be close to God and get as close as earthly possible.

2. I want to be with a man of God who is virtue filled and passionate about his Lord.

3. I want to be cherished and respected and sought after.

4. I want to be a wife and mother some day.

5. I want to be happy and fulfilled with whatever I do with my life.

Overall I am just regretful today and trying to turn over new leaves. As you read this, If I have done anything to hurt you...I am sorry. I am going to try to get myself together because I know my actions affect more than just me. Now for my learning experiences and thankfulness for yesterday...

Learning January 7, 2005:

1. The Ralphs club card makes a world of difference. When grocery shopping yesterday I saved over $80.00 on groceries using it.

2. I enjoy a lean cuisine frozen dinner and they have 3 servings of vegetables in them!

3. Rain doesn't really bother me. I like the way it looks hitting the windshield and how it feels when it touches my skin.

4. I discovered a new artist yesterday named Joaquin. He is incredibly talented and sings R&B. A little like Brian McKnight or Usher--like a mix. Just phenomenal talent though in singing and songwriting.

5. Jason is an interesting new person in my life and continues to interest me every single day. We'll see....

What I am thankful for on January 7, 2005:

I am thankful for my Old Navy giftcard that Carrie got me for Christmas. I really like Old Navy's pajamas and I pretty much knew when I went there yesterday that is what I would purchase. I looked around the store at various items like purses, accessories, jeans, t-shirts, socks, etc....because I am normally not a huge Old Navy Shopper just due to having to have dressier clothing. I finally gave up my stupid search for something else and just dealt with the fact that my love for Old Navy pajamas is stronger than the other forces. I went over to the Valentine's day pajama pants area and picked out an adorable pair of red and white plaid pajama pants (no hearts or candy on them) and a white cami to go with it. I was excited as I went to the check out and got a whole pajama outfit for the bargain price of free thanks to Carrie's gift card. There is hardly anything better than a giftcard when you are broke. Thanks to Carrie for that and to God for letting me get out and enjoy something yesterday!

Well, I should get going but hoping to post again tonight. If I don't tonight...will tomorrow! Have a beautiful weekend everyone and ~Shalom~