Wednesday, January 12, 2005

So frustrated with myself

Today finds me in a weird mood. I have this whole weird frustrating problem right now. I can't seem to get truth to go from my head to my heart. I know a lot of things about a lot of things. I know exactly what a healthy behavior is in a relationship and which of my behaviors is unhealthy yet I can't stop them. I shouldn't say can't...but I shouldn't say won't either. I am really trying to focus and keep my balance but SOMETHING is getting in the way. I know what it is ...yet I can't seem to grab it by the horns and make it go away. It's weird, maybe it's the thorn in my flesh and I'll always struggle with it? Maybe?

I am trying to realize what my life is going to be like from this point on. I am working as a nanny of course and to tell you the truth, I love it. I have no complaints about being Christopher's nanny. I love him dearly and enjoy taking care of him. I like watching him find out new things, learn and grow, and force through problems effectively. It builds a lot in me and keeps me grounded in life as well. I think sometimes you have to look over your life and pick out the things that are going right.

I like the fact that I am single. I have been single for about 10-11 months now and I love the life. Now, I don't love everything about it but I love it nonetheless. I like that I choose what I want, that I go where I want, and that I have my options open. The thing I don't love is, I am ready to be loved again. I am ready to share my life with someone in a productive, healthy way. The things I like about being single, are the things I hated about being taken only because I was in an unhealthy relationship. I am ready to be in a healthy, loving, caring, nurturing, fun relationship. I am ready to find a man to hang out with who likes me and appreciates all of the crazy aspects of my personality. You all know, there are plenty of those.

I have been thinking about my personality lately and maybe there is some work to do. I have always believed that who I who I am and if someone doesn't like it, who cares about them. Well, I don't know if that is entirely true anymore. Some of the things in my character, I am not very proud of. I know that I have stuff that I need to work on. I know there are aspects of my character that in no way line up with Proverbs 31. I know that I take a lot of things to the extreme and put myself in immense ..danger.

I need to grow up. Those are the facts! I need to start acting like a 24 year old woman instead of a 21 year old vixen ;) I find myself doing things that I did before I was in a relationship which means that I got into a serious relationship MUCH too young. Now that I have spent almost a year in my adult life being single and watching others around me make mistakes and have fun and all kinds of things...I am thinking more about being grown up in my relationship endeavors.

I am all over the place today on this blog. I think I am just thinking aloud. I am currently going through a really interesting time in my life and I think that is why all this thinking. I find myself in a place where I have never been. More confident about men that I have ever hoped to be, more physically fit than I have ever been in my life, and the most independent I think I have ever been. It's a strange place that I stand today.

Overall, I am happy with my life. I live in a great house, have a great job, make decent money doing something I love, eat 3 square meals a day, drive a great car that I love, have beautiful friends who are so good to me, have a lot of interest in a certain male, talk with people that are interesting every day, have clothes on my back, a great family who supports me daily, and more than anything the love of a perfect and righteous Savior who is always looking out for my best! What more could I want ..right? Well, you would think...

I want a man of God to share my life with. I am out for true love. NO doubt about it. From knowing me might think I am out to play..but I am not! I am out to find that man who can make my heart skip a beat, make me cry with his smile, make me laugh in the depths of despair, make me wish every day would last forever. I just long for the fairy tale. It's too much to ask isn't it? Where has my hope for love gone? Where is it? It is probably shattered on the rocks of way too attractive men who only want to hook up. I can't take this life anymore, it's not what I want and I am putting my foot down!!!!!

Well I should shut up before you all decide never to read this sappy blog again. Here are my learning experiences and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning January 11, 2005:

1. I love the 30 minutes in the morning when I take myself for a drive after dropping Christopher off at school. I listen to good music, think to myself about life, and drive the beautiful coast of Corona Del Mar Beach. MY life is magical.

2. There was never a sweeter sight than the waves crashing onto the sand from my car the morning after 5-6 days of pure rain. The sun was beaming through the clouds and I could see God in nature like never before.

3. A black man can not join the Klan even if he is half white. My friend made me watch Jerry Springer yesterday because a 1/2 black man was trying to join the klan. It was repulsive. My friend that made me watch it, is black and he was pretty embarassed by the whole show. Is Jerry Springer real?

4. Steven is much deeper than what meets the eye. He has a lot of things to say that is good stuff. I totally earned new respect for him and found him to be quite interesting.

5. Jason is officially stronger than I am and fiestier than I could ever imagine being. I love this stuff about him and find him more interesting by the stinkin' second. Is there anything wrong with me liking someone who can tell me whats up? I mean,I love that about someone. Please be able to be strong with cream puffs need apply!

Thankful January 11, 2005:

I am thankful that Steven feels he can open up to be about family stuff. I am thankful that most of my friends feel safe telling me things. I am thankful that Steven is able to show me a much deeper side of himself and not be so afraid of being vulnerable with me. I am a very caring person and although I make a lot of jokes, I love with all of my heart and am always willing to be a friend and listen. I am so thankful that I have great friends who feel they can share with me. Thanks for the great talk yesterday Steven!


No comments: